Gran Mag
by regertz
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
1. Chapter 1

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wonderous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wonderous Maggie Hamilton…

Being archived, with the usual additional pics and music at my Buffy Rebecca verse, under the "Sheldonverse" heading...A Granny (Gran) Mag video is available there...

Part I…

Apartment of Sheldon Cooper and Leonard Hofstadter, two of America's greatest physicists…There being no doubt as to the superior of the two, but for ease of recognition, I have named them on the basis of eminence…

"Sheldon…" sighing voice of Amy Farrah Fowler, newly engaged bride-to-be of…She of the raven's haired, brown-eyed beauty, currently ravishingly enhanced by her choice of seasonal costume, namely…The Wicked Witch of the West, minus, for the moment, her pointy bonnet…

"Present…" Pardon the interruption of the description of the rapturous Dr. Fowler, gentle reader, but as you may, depending on your intellectual status, have or with multiple cues and extended time, will eventually surmise(d)…I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, your narrator, have been forced to desist momentarily from my…Narration…By my beloved's insistent pleas that I emerge from the sanctuary of my bedroom to join her in the greater world…

"Sheldon, please come on out…" pause… "I've donned my costume for your benefit…And judging by the heightened breathing and crimsoning flush of our male friends here, its sexy slinkiness is beyond question…"

You may ask, gentle reader, how any mortal man could resist such temptation as the sinuous delight of the good doctor (of Neurobiology, but I try to overlook such things…Love does that…) Fowler's body enrapt in the black silkiness of a costume surely designed to lead mere men to destruction…But, if you but knew Sheldon Cooper…You would understand that he is no mere mortal man…But why you may ask, even granted the iron will and steely-eyed resistance to all temptations of the flesh that is so characteristic of me, should I choose to refrain from such joyful delight?…Surely delight which I might feel privileged to…Delight…in, given our upcoming nuptials, shortly to be heralded by that quaint traditional celebration, the engagement party…Not so well established as the more famous "bridal shower", or that twisted perversity so much a staple of film and television, the "bachelor party"…Yet famed in its own turn…Well, I shall make it plain to you… Allowing you, gentle friend, to as it were, delve into that bottomless pool that is my nature…

"Sheldon, is this still about my sister?..." Amy's voice, like the celestial chimes of some grand Gothic catherdral's…Chimes…Twinkling softly about the room…Fading only gradually into little electric sparkles of transitory joy…

Catch them, gentle one…While I tend to the matters which have brought us to this pass…With the hope that you shall not only be amused and entertained but enlightened by the unfolding tale I mean to tell…

"No…" my succinct reply… Though in fact, I must admit to my shame it was indeed with regard to her said sister…Her older sister…Charlotte Magdalena Fowler…Medical doctor, well-known author on subjects I cannot regard as worthy of my attention but certainly you may of yours…

Vixen from Hades…The nemesis of my existence…An enemy even more deadly to me than even the loathsome Brent Spinner…Formerly portrayer of the Mr. Data character on Star Trek:The Next Generation…

Since he opened my "Wil Wheaton" action figure box…Pond scum…

"Sheldon…" the rather nasal whine of my current roommate and occasional scientific "sidekick"…For those lesser science projects where comic relief is both possible and a joy…Leonard Hofstadter… "Will you please come out?...Amy's getting nervous…"

"And is dangerously alluring to all men within sight of her…" Amy added… "So come and defend your claim, intended one…"

Tempting, indeed…But, Sheldon Cooper is proof against all charms, even that of the siren-like sexuality of Amy Farrah Fowler…

"Sheldon, for God's sake…This is to plan your own engagement party…" Leonard, indulging in one of his usual pathetic whinings against the world in general and our group in particular, which somehow always seem come round to his sad inability to appreciate all that I have done for him…

A sad case, I agree…But whereas normally I shoulder my burden with gentle humility and aplomb…The soul of compromise and discretion…Today…This day…I must make a stand…Opposing my inflexible will contrary to my usual gentle bending with the winds of public desire…

For the sake not only of my own self-respect and personal integrity but…My beloved…

Who must not…Must never know…

My secret shame…The burden of which I must carry…As I do so many of Humanity's and my fellow…Humans…On my slight but manly shoulders…

"Can't…" I keep it curt and to the point, as always…

Steve Mc Queen had nothing on me…

"Why not?... " Dr. Hofstadter's admittedly reasonable reply, delivered in his folksy, mildly sarcastic manner…

"Sick…" my clever reply… "Go on without me…"

A brilliant defusing of the confrontation…And containing enough of my usual noble self-sacrificing nature as to seem perfectly natural…

Hofstadter, despite his demonstrated inability to match my level, choosing to play me in a potentially deadly game of mental chess… "No, you're not sick…Sheldon…Stop being a baby…You're hurting Amy's feelings…"

"Which feelings would normally be content to dive under the nearest approaching truck for you, Moon-pie…" Amy called… "But today…With so much going on…I am a bit over-frazzled…And must confess to some degree of hurt…In fact, rather a world so…"

Strength, Cooper…The gentle fortitude that won you so many awards and honors during your brief, yet incredibly distinguished career…

A clever reply necessary, I leapt to the occasion…Like the panther only more so…

"I said I'm sick…Go on without me…"

"Well, that's one way to begin the process of terminating this fiasco…" Leonard reflected…

A pedantic combination of the brutal cruelty which but for the occasional withdrawing of my radiant and generous personality would be swiftly known throughout the physical as well as the truer world of physics with, well…Pedantry…

My lion-souled mate sprang to her full height at the hint of any threat to our relationship…You may question, gentle reader, whether I made use of the fabled "poetic license" at this point to give a verbal picture of the image in Amy currently in my mind…But I deny such…

There's a wireless web cam hidden in a secret recess in our living room…To which I maintain full if confidential access…Providing an all too often essential bit of undeniable evidence as it now did here…

Not to mention a graceful image of such transitory beauty in the aforementioned Dr. Fowler in her costumed voluptuousness to be stored for future generations…Specifically any offspring…

Pardon a momentary mental freeze-up, accompanied by a slight gasp at such a word…

…We may one day have…

"Leonard…" growl of her fierce rage…A lioness in defense of those she, quite rightly, adores…

"Sorry…But he's gotta come out…Sheldon, you gotta come out…"

Note the restating of the phrase…A typical habit with Hofstadter…Usually involving the most obvious of banalities…As in "you gotta get out of the rain…It's raining…"

God, but for my diligent care and nurturing where would the man-child that he is, be…?

And with that come in the other members of our merry band of supergenius and minions…Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, astrophysicist, and Howard, an engineer…The engineer's would be mate, Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski, Ph.D…And Penny, a waitress living across the hallway from us who for some unknown reason continually interferes in our lives…

Possibly due to her sexual hold on the unfortunate and sadly undisciplined Hofstadter…Who continues to pine for a resumption of coitus with her despite the failure of their previous relationship…

But I digress…This merry band of my minions, eager to have the joy of my company, joins Hofstadter and my divine Amy in attempting to persuade me to depart my fortress of solitude…

In vain, of course…Despite a surprisingly clever effort by the aforementioned Penny who combines a complete lack of scientific understanding with a remarkably perceptive emotional nature…Appealing not only directly to my one vulnerability…My ever-deepening adoration for Dr. Fowler…But to my heralded combatively protective nature…

"Sheldon…You can't leave Amy with Charlotte…She needs you to help her deal…Come on, Sheldon…"

But in this case…Sigh…Of the deepest and most profound regret…I cannot allow such a confrontation…

Were my beloved to learn the hideous truth…Our lives and our future…

Pitsville…Even, to make a terrifyingly hellish urban metaphor…

Pittsburgh…

"Speaking of which…" Amy sighed…Pulling cell phone…

I know that cause I have a web cam in the living room…You ought to remember that as well as other details…There will be a quiz later…

"Hello Charlotte…Yes…We are all here…Uh, a moment…Sheldon?...My sister wants to talk to you…"

The horror!...Sooner than I'd imagined it…

"Sick…" I reply… "Can't talk…" Brilliantly portraying the role of a man stricken suddenly with severe pharynx disorder…

"Charlotte, he can't talk right now…What is it?...I see…I'll ask…Sheldon?...Can you take my sister for her bridal fitting tomorrow, she'll want a chaperone…Plus she wants to discuss affairs…"

Oh…My…God…

That word…That awful word…

She wants to discuss…

Affairs…

And therein, gentle reader, you see my dilemma…Yes, I…Humble and lovable Sheldon Cooper, benevolent benefactor of all Mankind by the radiance of his genius…Am…

Sought…Even…I foresee…

Fought for…

By two women of dazzling beauty…Genius level intellect, despite their wasted careers…And based on my experiences with my own sinfully sweet neural gal…Fabulous sexual agility…

By sisters…For yes…And I hope you have arrived at the proper mental destination…

Charlotte has the hots for me…

My future sister-in-law, crazed with lust for me…Back in Texas, where I spawned from…She'd be my cousin…

And should her passion come to the ears of her sister, as she…In her vengeful unrequitedness has threatened…

Hell to pay in the form of a madly jealous wildcat named Amy Farrah Fowler…

Yes, Charlotte has not only put the moves on me in corners hidden from prying eyes…She's made it clear she plans to counter my staunch rejection with bitter betrayal of her sister's trust…

Trust in me, that is…Amy told me right from the start Charlotte goes for any man attached to any woman she knows…And that I could be sure I being her beau would be like catnip to…Well, a cat…

Though, clever French-educated and medically trained lynx, she is…The scheming Charlotte has so far managed to soothe her poor sister's instinctual and justified suspicions…

And while yours truly is proof against all illicit temptation…And proven himself in the early encounters…

Dodging Charlotte's determined grabs in the movie theater…Including an attempt to drag me bodily into the ladies room…For purposes you should not even attempt to imagine…But, knowing her sister's skills, I can…

Avoiding her seductive efforts at dinner in the restaurants we all attended…Including the night of her arrival from that modern Sodom, Paris…When my kind but ill-advised effort to display proper brotherly affection was taken by her lewd and wicked nature to open the doors to far more sinister intent…Followed by her luring me to a private corner, ostensibly to discuss the wedding and the proper gift for her poor, trusting…Though not entirely as Amy fortunately heeded her natural suspicions and followed us…Sister…And then the next night…At the other restaurant…

An unfortunate choice of Penny's…Hofstadter foolishly presuming she as a waitress having some ability as a gourmand…

I naturally concealing my uncomfortableness at the poor cuisine, the miserably inept service, and the utterly unacceptable sanitary conditions…Why the condition of the spoons…

But I again, digress…

Charlotte, feigning gastric distress and that universal condition of those foolish enough to indulge in airline travel, "jet-lag"…Equally foolish term..Jet and lag?...Awaited my own departure for the restroom and pounced on me in the dark hallway…Proving to my unfortunate uvula that it was indeed the French who invented French kissing…Offering me sinful delights to be achieved in her hotel room later once her poor and trusting sister had departed for her own apartment and bed…

On my refusal…Her tone took on a decidedly evil connotation…She threatened to claim that I had instituted all contacts…That I had offered myself and made light of my sacred vows…Issuing a fiendish ultimatum…Either Cooper must put out…or be put down…

Lord, what is my fatal attraction for the beauties of the Fowler family?…

And so, hoping to somehow avoid this fiend…And her fiendish web of lust and deceit…I remain in my lair…Secure…Putting the full resources of my incredible intellect to bear on the problem…

All to protect my beloved…My poor, semi-trusting Amy…Who, eager to believe in her sister's affection after years of having her loving heart squashed by this evil harpy in nearly as hot form as her sister…

Steady, Cooper…But no, gentle reader…Fear not…For Charlotte, despite a inch or two's advantage in height and a false glamour bestowed by her years in the French capital, is as the moon rising at night to the sun of her sister's glorious dawn…

"Ok…" the beloved tinkling voice of my beloved… "Sheldon?...She's coming up to join us in a minute…You really should come out, please?...She's a doctor, you know…"

Oh, dear Lord…I have…In my emotionally unsettled condition, no doubt…Miscalculated…


	2. Chapter 2

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part II…

Trapped and facing imminent doom at the hands of Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, doctor, author, future sis-in-law…Lust-crazed minion of Hell…I search the recesses of my magnificent brain for any avenue of…

Of course…Escape!…How could I overlook that naturally I have amply provided for such matters, living as I do in the urban jungle…Merely a matter of adapting previously laid plans and applying them to this situation…Substituting mortal emotional danger for mortal physical…

Though should my intended Amy Farrah Fowler receive the poisoned venom drippings of her sublimely evil sibling…Physical danger joins the kitty as a distinct possibility…

Fortunately, once again, my genius and foresight has come to the rescue…Bravo, Dr. Sheldon Cooper…Pat, pat…

One more…

Pat…

Modesty forbids..And yet I know you urge me to it…And being, as I've said, a man exquisitely attuned to the society around me…

Pat…

But the risk is great…The scheme in mind, employing the emergency of emergencies contingency…Could easily result in the most severe of bodily injury…

Yet the risk of being examined…In private…By my wicked, wicked would-be sister and, more to the point, would-be partner in foul sin…And the blow the inevitable outcome would deal to my beloved…Particularly when I refuse, as I will…You may be certain…Charlotte's fiendish advances…And thus arouse her wrath, leading through her evil promise to claim my acquiescence to the foul sin mentioned to the same painful conclusion…And without benefit to me…Far outweighs any other consideration…

Though…There is always the slight danger hormonal urges might take control…Charlotte is after all, undoubtedly appealing in her combination of the false façade of a gentle and unassumingly elegant manner and somewhat waifish beauty, merged to her admittedly keen intellect, the ever-desirable basic Fowler chassis design, and that ragingly hot though skillfully repressed sexual drive, like the intellect a Fowler family trait, I've surmised, though twisted to evil purpose in Charlotte …So much so that even man of steel that I am, I must confess a certain...Interest…And that must never happen, even if only the most remote and miniscule of possibilities…

Yes, there is only one solution…Which must be employed before the "good"…I type with sarcastic quote here for a reason…Doctor Fowler , MD., arrives in our apartment and escape becomes impossible…

Damn the risk, full speed ahead, Mr. Cooper…Engage "Building Escape Plan Omega…"

The plan never to be employed but in time of direct attack on the building by foreign brigands or a direct nuclear threat…

Though of course only with sufficient warning in the case of nuclear attack, as it obviously would be impossible to flee to safety on California roads without at least a day's advance notice…

And I suppose there is some applicability here for the given situation, Charlotte being a French citizen and therefore technically capable of falling under the title "foreign brigand"…

She was very rough with that French kissing…My elbow got bruised…

It still hurts..Though for my beloved's sake I manfully concealed the injury…

Love indeed hurts…

I open the file on laptop…Scanning briefly, its contents well known to me but a review is always useful…Disconnecting laptop to bring with me…For I must retain some connection to the world if I am to dodge the wiles of my Evil sister-in-law…I make for the window…Pausing to collect the necessary equipment from underneath my bed…Where I'd hidden it after the last false alarm when Leonard threatened to throw it all in the trash if I ever considered its use again…There being in his limited estimation, far more chance of us being killed by the plan than by any hypothetical threat…

Little did my roommate suspect the power of the Dark Side in the slinky form of my Evil sister-in-law…An innocent and noble Chancellor Palpatine of the medical profession in female form in public…A dark and twisted Sith lady of the evening in private…

Emergency Escape Plan Omega…

(for use only under extreme conditions…Please review the safety inspection notes on all equipment before engaging…Good luck, Sheldon…This plan will self-destruct in ten minutes…)

1)Secure grappling hook on window… Check…

"Is he gonna come out or not?..." I hear Penny's voice…A knocking begins on my room…A steady, incessant hammering… "Sheldon?...Sheldon?...Sheldon?..."

You know that is very annoying…I must speak to her about that when I've defeated the Evil force confronting me and my beloved…

2)Secure waist belt and shoulder harness…Check…

Faint words of greeting audible…The cloyingly sweet French accent of my future…Unless she has her way…And her way with me…Sister-in-law…

Time is short…I must hurry…

3)Open window, climb out…Observe condition of building in case damage precludes use of the escape plan this way…No, all secure…Check…

"Isn't Sheldon here?...I wanted to speak with him…" Charlotte's voice…A silky caricature of her sister's…

"Well…" Leonard's nasal whine… "He is…And he isn't…"

Time's up…Now is the time to be a Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Sheldon…

4)Deploy cable from waist belt holster…Descend to first secure floor…

Whoa…Bit faster than I'd anticipated…

Ow…Ow…Ow…Knee bang…Elbow bruised, again…

Pendulum effect…Should have allowed for that…Mustn't let emotional turmoil cloud my intellect…

Still…No screams of fright or angry, annoyed cries of "Sheldon, you idiot!…" from above…

My escape plan is working…Just must reach the…

"Oh, hello…Martin…Barbara…"

The Bains…An elderly couple living below us…Staring at me as I dangle just outside their now opened living room window…Tall, lean, grey-haired man…Still strikingly beautiful grey-streaked blonde woman…

Sweet people, really…Blessedly quiet, polite though rarely "chatty"…And bear a striking resemblance to the famed acting couple Martin Landau and ex-wife Barbara Bain of TV fame in the original "Mission Impossible…" and "Space 1999…"

Funny how that worked out…It having been long before 1999 when it was filmed…

And they never complain when an experiment of ours makes a bit of noise or causes minor damage to their ceiling…No understanding of Science but a kindly general admiration for our work…As expressed with the simple eloquence of "You scientists…You're great people…" …As so we are…Would the general public assume such a wise, unquestioning attitude…

Plus they brought me soup once when they heard I was sick…And didn't stay beyond three minutes…Yes, sweet people…

"Sheldon?… Martin, it's Sheldon from upstairs…Hello, Sheldon…"

"More of that physics stuff, Sheldon?..." Martin asked… "Little dark and nippy to be out doing it now, isn't it, boy?...Or are you practicing something for Halloween?..."

Martin likes to make these little remarks which he apparently considers amusing…Given he's old and they are sweet people, I tolerate it…

"He should come in out of the cold…Tell him to come in, Martin…" Barbara nudged her husband…

"Now, Barb…If the man's working…"

"Pardon the intrusion, neighbors…Might I trouble you to allow me to use an unorthodox means of entry, namely your window, one more time…"

"Better than you should be dangling out there in the cold on a pulley thing…It's another experiment, right?..." Martin, reaching to help me in through the window… "You scientist types…Always at it…"

I nod offhandedly, not committing myself…Preferring as always not to lie more than I have to….

"I'll make tea…" Barbara noted, after briefly peering out to look at the hanging pulley still dangling on cable…

"Oh, no need…" putting up a hand as Martin assisted in guiding me in and down to the floor…

"Hey…There we go…"

"And one little pull while pressing button…" I reached back…

Hmmn…

"Bit more force required…There…" I nodded contentedly as the grappling hook released

"Nice…You should patent that…Thing like that could save a lot of people jumpin' out of the buildings…" Martin noted… "I mean when they want to be saved…"

"Perhaps I will when tests are complete…Sorry to come through your window and run…" I stuck my head out…Hmmn…Noise level suggests they've penetrated into the fortress of solitude upstairs…Just a question of time before they realize I've gone and how…I pulled my head back…Smiling at the couple regarding him… "…But I must be going…Good-bye…"

I hurried out the front door, making for the stairs down…Barbara and Martin waving…

"I wonder what the rush was…" Barbara shook her head, closing door… "I'll contact Barney…You want to go with the patrol car?…"

"Sure don't want to freeze my keyster off running after the kid…Well, that time again…" Martin sighed, going over to the bookshelves built into the living room's back wall, pressing hidden button…The bookshelves opened to reveal a room with make-up table and various wigs, very lifelike rubber masks and electronic equipment…He walked over and sat down, hurriedly pulling on a mask of a burly middle-aged fellow…Opening a cabinet to remove a police officer's uniform…

"Should we call for back-up?..." Barbara hissed...Closing door… "Sheldon seems up to something…"

"Nah…Barney and I can keep a trace on him…" Martin shrugged, dressing in police uniform… "Though I tell you, Barb…This so-called semi-retirement gig is getting to be too much for me now…All these new people coming in…Penny, Amy, Bernadette, Pria…All hoppin' round…And now this wedding…Who'd believe that would ever happen?…"

"Well, we'll have more help when Sheldon and Amy take the apartment and Leonard moves upstairs with Howard…Don't forget to tell Barney he's got to get the surveillance equipment out before Leonard begins moving next month…"

"Right…" sigh "But…Oy…It's not the easy assignment it used to be when the boys were just staying at home every night playing games and we only had the occasional North Korean operative trying to worm things out of Leonard or Howard…"

"Poor Leonard…" Barbara sighed… "I wish he'd get some sense and get back with that nice Penny…She was the best thing to ever happen to him…And I'm sure if he fought for her a little, she'd try again…"

"Worked for me…" Martin nodded, adjusting facial mask, putting wig on securely… "Though I did have to fight three Russian agents after faking my defection to convince you…"

"That was sweet…" she agreed, beaming… "Let me get you a thermos of tea in case Sheldon's a long time out…" she glanced at her phone in hand… "The tracker in his shoes is indicating he's just hit the sidewalk…"

"I'd best move along…Lets hope it's nothing serious…" he paused at the door…Barbara bringing him the thermos after filling with the water she'd already heated… "You know, I'd bet it has something to do with that sister of Amy's who just came in for the wedding…She looked like trouble…I said so, didn't I…The image of that Russian girl who gave me a hard time…When was it…?"

"June 15, 1975…And don't think I've forgotten…" Barbara frowned…

"Now…Barbie…"

"Just lucky for you I nailed her with a poison dart before it got serious…" she noted… "Another ten minutes and that dart woulda been headed your way…Now…Don't keep Barney waitin' in the car…"

"Right, right…Well…Gotta make tracks…Don't wait up…And don't worry…You know the boy's not the type to defect or trade secrets…" he patted her fondly… "I'm betting it's that girl giving our Amy a bad time…"

"Oh, Sheldon wouldn't…" Barbara sighed…

"No, no…" Martin shook head… "He's true blue, the dependable type, like me…You'll see…"

"Looking good?..." he gave a hearty bluff middle-aged policeman's grin…

"You're an artist, Martin…" she gave a thumb's up…

"And Barb?...No intervention with poison darts…Or 'accidents'…" he eyed her sternly… "The kids can work this out on their own…"

"Yeah, sure…" she frowned…

"Barb…"

Having left my elderly friends to wonder at my catlike agility, I made my way hurriedly out of the building and up to the corner bus stop…Though of course, not the usual one I frequent when Leonard foolishly fails to provide adequate transport by car…The one further down…

No novice to the chase is Dr. Sheldon Cooper…This is one fox never to be caught…

Now a quick trip to some secure haven whilst I regroup and plan…Perhaps the comic book store run by our acquaintance, Stuart…

It not being Comic Book Store Night, no one in our merry band would suspect I'd gone there…

"Hello…" I answered my ringing cell phone…

Lord…Betrayed by my allegiance to social conventions…

Well, clearly the rules of cell phone etiquette must …Like so many other things impinging negatively on my consciousness …Be rewritten to fit the need of today… Naturally, I've already prepared copies…

"Sheldon?..."

Be that the divine image of her features onscreen?…The clear crystalline voice of my intended, calling out for her lost eaglet, fallen from the sheltering nest of her warm …

Please have children leave the room…

Bosom…?

Indeed, it was…

The children may return now…

"Where are you?...I thought you said you were ill…"

"Hello, Sheldon…" that silken voice…So like my Amy's…And yet…As I know all too well…

The voice of Purest Evil…

Truly Evil lead characters do tend to have fine voices, have you noticed that?...Certainly there are always the high-pitched falsettos of the minions and Evil sidekicks but when a lead member of the Evil team rises to speak, you know you'll usually get your money's worth…

Charlotte skillfully sliding herself into a dominant position on my screen…Beaming at me now…

A slight older, perhaps more waifish…Slightly thinner, though Amy says she always crash diets before visiting…Version of the Fowler face…Those flashing brown eyes…That noble chin…

Thank goodness I have my own version of the type…It would be hard to resist such beauty otherwise…

"Are you ill, Sheldon?...You should let me…Examine you…" smile…

Innocence personified, isn't she?...

Followed by sudden flash of tongue…And if you would have children leave again?...Thank you…

Full tongue, not some mere casual flick to moisten lips or remove food particles…Licking screen…

Amy no doubt looking away for a moment, her sister had taken the calculated risk of reminding me of her …Interest…And wicked intent…

Charlotte likes to live on the wild side, as you can see…

Children may return…If they are well-behaved and quiet…

"I'm fine…Much better now…"

"Why did you leave the apartment…And in such an unorthodox manner?..." Amy back on screen, her tone indicating she is clearly torn between her concern for me and her earnest desire to kick me somewhere involving my privates…

"I was sick…I was out of a prescription…"

"I could have gotten it…Leonard could have driven somewhere if necessary…"

"I didn't want to be a bother….You know I hate imposing on people…"

A faint cry or howl in the distance…Sounds rather like Leonard…

Hmmn?...Well, no matter…

"Get back here, pronto…Or tell me where you are and I'll come get you…" Amy, insistent…

"And then…I'll look you over…" Charlotte's gentle voice…

"I see a bus stop…I know where you are…Stay right there, I'm coming…" Amy left the screen…

"Sheldon…If you don't get back here…Immediately…" Charlotte, voice now a rasping whisper…Icy glare…Narrowing eyes…

I know that look only too well…The Fowler glare…

Terrifying when applied to the beauteous Fowler face…Like seeing the face of God turned to angry wrath…

"So what are your symptoms…?" her voice immediately back to its normal gentle tone…Warmly innocent smile…

Oh, she makes Palpatine look like an amateur…

"Is he actually at the bus stop?..." Leonard's sigh… "Sheldon…" Leonard's rather Hobbity face now on screen next to Charlotte's innocently smiling one… "Stop being an idiot and tell me where to pick you up…I'll take you over to the pharmacy, ok?..."

"And I'll come…To write any prescriptions you need…" Charlotte, sweetly…

God, Leonard is such a dupe…It's clear Charlotte has made sufficient overtures to him to lead him to believe she has an interest and in his loneliness and self-pity…Due ostensibly to the departure, followed by break-up with of his so-called "girlfriend", Raj's sister Pria…But in fact to his desperate longing to reunite and rekindle the flames of his former relationship with our neighbor, the aforementioned waitress/would-be actress, Penny…He is putty in Charlotte's hot, little hands…

Though she has no real interest…Amy informed me already…Once she learned Leonard was unattached, she simply put him on her key chain of potentially useful men…For minor errands, that sort of thing…Retained by an innocent beam and a kind word…The occasional cheek peck…Perhaps a gentle touch…Nothing more…Creating the illusion of an innocent, sweet, even ethereal, waif who must be handled gently, with care and patience…

Fools…

Charlotte never goes for the unattached…Far too easy…She likes challenge…Risk…And enjoys inflicting torment on the souls of her victims…And cruel suffering on their mates…

Anyway that's what Amy said…And being her sister…

Besides…As I told you I have the personal experience to back her tales up…And what could crown her vicious career better than the capture and destruction of her own sister's beau…The greatest mind of our generation and most others…Her eager desire now only inflamed by my staunch resistance…

But she knows I can't risk warning my colleague just now…Who'd believe that this sweet, innocent, gently loving to all Mankind, doctor could be a raging torrent of raw passion… A devil in…Yes, literally…A blue dress...And very elegant, yet tasteful, pearls…

What to do, Cooper?...What to do?...I could wait for Amy…But Leonard and Charlotte in car are far more likely to reach me first…And even if Amy gets here first…If I tell her what's happened ?...When even she's been convinced by Charlotte's acting and her own desire for a loving relationship with older sis that things have changed at last and Charlotte is genuinely happy for her…

And when Charlotte tells her deceitful tale…Putting all on me…

Surely past experience will lead Amy to believe me…

And yet…She'd noted Charlotte had fooled her before…That only later had she learned that cousin so-and-so had not instigated the incident with the hotel room and handcuffs…That Charlotte's best friend's husband hadn't in fact jumped her bones at the wedding reception and merely turned the couple over when the bride had entered the lounge, horrified at the sight…And that in dozens, hundreds of similar incidents it had been Charlotte who'd gleefully and with malice aforethought weaved a web of dark seduction…

She'd actually told her so…Rather proudly…After a few confrontations involving videos and hidden microphones had raised questions as to her total innocence in such encounters…She'd delighted in confiding the tales of shattered lives and ruined men…Sneering at Amy's horrified disapproval…

To put such gifts as Nature had bestowed upon the Fowler women to such evil purpose…The gifts that specifically their Grandmother, Grandma Maggie, Gran Mag…Had bestowed upon them of eyes and chin and all around smoldering hotness…But, like Amy, Charlotte had had her awkward period…But unlike my noble Amy, whose experience in the crucible of adolescence had broadened her understanding of human nature, widened her sensibilities, and warmed her heart…Charlotte's had closed her to all human kindness…Despite a surface of tender, loving sympathy…Nothing warm beat in that foul blackness where a heart should be…

Yet as noted…Despite her full knowledge of her sister's evil nature…Amy, in her noble sweetness and loving heart fine tuned by sorrow and suffering…Of which I am the grateful beneficiary…Had eagerly seized upon Charlotte's sly and calculated efforts to mask her nature…She'd changed…And whatever bitterness she might still feel toward the male of the species…And vengeance she'd sworn on her fellow females…She loved…Yeah, right…Her little sister…And would never do anything to hurt her…

Again I say…Yeah, right…

And that, assisted by Charlotte's facile outlay of the events…Spelt doom for me should I try to oppose my enemy openly…

At the very least Amy would always wonder…Poisoning our life together…

And making family gatherings…To which I have been prenuptially forced to accede…Awkward…

No…Now is not the time to face my beloved with the horrible truth…Not until I have complete and utter proof of my innocence…

For now…I am a fugitive…And must run, hiding in the underbelly of this urban Hell…Only my superior intellect between me and the darkness…

But I must find an ally…Someone capable of acting for me in the world of our treasured acquaintances and friends…Someone who can assist in proving my innocence…They need not be intellectually capable…Indeed, better I supply all of that without interference…But they must have the experience of the real world to believe me and my sordid tale of horror and deceit…The ability to confront the fiend from Paris without succumbing to her foul charms and innocent manner…

Who is such a person…And where can I find them?...

Hmmn…

Yes, I'd best getting moving…I can call Penny later…


	3. Chapter 3

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part III…

Darkness…Light rain falling on the mean streets…Mean streets testifying to a serious degree of poor city maintenance…Look at that bag of garbage just lying there in the alley…Oh…

Pardon me, ma'am…Didn't mean to interrupt your alcohol-induced coma…

In the belly of the beast that is Pasadena, CA…A lone man running for his life…Hunted by a dark and sister…I mean sinister, it's difficult to see to type here on the mean streets under lamplights…force…Who is in fact his would-be sister, in-law…

Along with unsinister but clueless friends and treasured acquaintances…Not that it should surprise me they'd be taken in…

And not including my dearly beloved intended, Amy Farrah Fowler…Whose reason for allowing herself to put trust in her older sister is perfectly understandable…Though potentially deadly to me…

Well, at least to our relationship…Which would be death to me…

Yes, that's not scientific…But my experience with Amy Farrah Fowler and the various ups-and-downs of our passionate roller coaster of a relationship…An apt metaphor given roller coasters make me ill…

As I said Love indeed hurts…

…And yet I keep wanting to get back on…And Meemaw always said if I ever did want to get back on a roller coaster with a girl…She'd be the one…Has taught me there are times when science must...Be flexible in providing answers...And look for them in corners perhaps not as yet...But one day after my award-winning research...Will be judged as justifiably scientific as any...In short, string theory for the vagaries of the human heart...

…As I was saying…A lone man running for his life…With no support but his world-shaking intellect and this laptop, he must clear his name and defeat the unspeakable evil that is Charlotte Magdelena Fowler…

But first…He must get out of this rain…Before he catches cold and his one link to the greater world and one hope of securing data to use against his foe gets totally fried…

Hmmn…There seems no alternative…

To Starbuck or not to Starbuck…That is the question…Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the smell of concentrated caffeine and the jostling of elbow-rubbing patrons whose empty lives lead them to herd in such dens of iniquity or to face the alternative…

McDonalds…

I don't do McDonalds…Case closed…

My phone vibrates…I'd wisely shut off the ringer in case my clueless band of treasured acquaintances and friends attempt once more to reach me and my instinctive deference to social convention caused me to again answer…Putting me in the clutches of my fiend-like enemy who even now is worming her foul way into their hearts…Determined to turn their devoted love and loyalty to me to suspicion and enmity…

Again, my Amy exempted…She's just trying to be a good sister…

I peer out the condensation-fogged windows of my caffeine den…Charlotte has my roommate and occasional comic-relief science sidekick, Leonard Hofstadter driving her about in search of me…No doubt already her devoted slave…

Wouldn't surprise me at all, given the way he kept running after our neighbor, waitress/"actress" Penny…

Nope, no sign as yet…

The quotes are meant to express sarcasm as to her acting career…As you can count on one hand the number of acting roles she's had since I've known her…

Unless one counts the number of real-life scenes in which she's persuaded my colleagues to allow her to borrow money or eat for free with us…

Just kidding, Penny…Big fan… (Note, to delete commentary on Penny…She's a pretty big girl and it wouldn't pay to get her too angry at me…)

(Note-Do not forget to delete note above, Note, to delete…Note, to delete…)

And speaking of our waitress/"actress"…I need to make contact with her…She being the person in our group least susceptible to Charlotte's surface sweet manner and kiss of death charms…

Apart from me, of course…

"Here's your no-fat, extra-hot, then cooled to tongue-acceptable temperature, hot chocolate…" a bored-looking waitress set my cup down…

Probably a steaming paper mug of death given the crowd here…But at least…Ow…

"What's the trouble?…Your tongue burns at near room temperature?..." the waitress eyes me…

And I thought there was only one Penny in this benighted existence…Such are the crosses I must bear…If I may be permitted a religious metaphor…

"No…My elbow got hurt…" I note… "Plus I've been doing a lot of typing…"

"Poor baby…You wanna bandaid…?" she eyes me…

Hmmn…Am I mistaken or is there a genuine sympathy in those vacuous eyes?...Normally I sensibly would refuse to take the risk but as I cannot call for aid from my friends and treasured acquaintances at this time, it seems the only alternative…

"Yes, please…Large, no-stick…I trust yours has antibiotics added…"

"Hang on, cutie…" she smiled at me and turning, headed off…

Hmmn…Brunette…A reasonably appealing body shape…Brown eyes…

There seems to be a pattern developing here…Clearly I have a fatal attraction for comely brown-eyed brunette females…Sally Jane Maxwell, my cousin…The first girl to kiss me and declare that she would marry me when we grew up, at age seven…Was likewise a brown-eyed brunette…

Hmmn…Now, don't think me the type of roguish ladies man to exploit such an eccentricity of Nature…That would be my treasured acquaintance, our engineer, Howard…Yet…

Scan of street outside window…Nothing yet except a parked patrol car, two policemen inside…

…I may need quick assistance should things take an even greater turn for the worse…

When on the lam, a man must sometimes exploit whatever assistance he can obtain…

The waitress returning, bandage box in hand…I bite the necessary bullet and smile my warmest smile…Guaranteed to ensnare any human being with a soul…

Naturally she smiles back… "Here ya go…I think it's the kind you described…"

"That's very kind of you…Miss?..."

"Cyndy…With a Y, not an I…" she smiles again…

"Dr. Shel…John Smith…" I skillfully correct…Realizing I must conceal my true identity, to enable me to move through this urban Hell in which I have sought refuge like the invisible breeze of the Flash…

"Right…" she eyes me, slight frown… "Sheljohn…There's an interesting name…"

"Yes…" thinking quickly I repress my instinctive tendency to correct her… "My parents thought John was boring…They were right of course…Wise people…" I pull down my sleeve and opening the bandage pack…Mercifully the woman got it right…Apply…

Ah, relief…And antibiotic shielding…At last…

"Thank you…You're very kind…" I throw a bone…

"And you are cute…" she grins…

Hmmn…I fear my natural attractiveness, coupled to my adoption of the pose of ladies' man-about-town has exceeded my intention of winning her possible support should I need a quick exit…

"Thank you, Cyndy…" minimal tone of gratitude, no smile…

Must tone it down a bit…Last thing I need is support for Charlotte's deceitful campaign of character assassination by having Amy Farrah Fowler walk in on a love-besotted waitress jumping my bones…

Not that Amy Farrah Fowler normally frequents such places as Starbucks…But she is a woman in love, hunting for her missing, possibly deranged by illness, mate…She'll be checking even the lowest dives for me…

"If you want anything else, I'm at the counter…" she smiled, patting my head…

I am, as my beloved likes to note…Such a stud…

But to the matter at hand…The net is closing round me as I type and I must act quickly or lose the game…Lets see…Amy is out on foot, probably moving from bus stop to bus stop, based on the information I gave her…Possibly accompanied by Bernadette Rostenkowski, Ph.D (only Microbiology, though)…Howard's ex-fiancee…Though one never knows, it seems to be on-again, off-again…I'm fairly certain she's awaiting the death of his mother…And the aforementioned Penny…

Given our group dynamics, Howard is no doubt at our apartment with Rajesh Koothrappali, trying to act as if they were running a search command center while actually playing video games…And Leonard is with my nemesis…Prowling the streets in his car…

Hmmn…I must find the correct moment to try and contact Penny…But she must be alone or she'll no doubt immediately hand the phone over to Amy…And by now Amy has no doubt set up a method of triangulating my position during communication, in consort with the "command center" boys, who would at least enjoy that sort of challenge…

Hmmn…Perhaps my new conquest, Cyndy, could be of some use to me…

"Leonard…Thank you so much for driving me like this…" Charlotte, gentlest of beams to the Hobbitish fly caught in her foul web… (Note to reader…I was informed as to details following in the scenes I did not participate in by various…Participants…However I do make some minor use of poetic license…)

"Oh…" slight gurgle…(typical of Hofstadter in the presence of beautiful women, so I feel justified in including it)…No problem, Charlotte…I just hope we find the little nutbag soon…" (Note that for the sake of total objectively and honesty I make no attempt to censor insults to my person…Though in time certain people will pay…)

"Is he often like this, Leonard?...I mean…" Warmest of beams, gentlest of smiles…Lightest of touches to arm… "I do worry about my little sister so…"

"Oh…He's…Ok…"

(Thank you so much for that hearty endorsement, Leonard…As I said, in time certain people will pay…)

"I have noticed…Well, it is hard not to…He does have some rather strange behaviors…?" most earnest of glances…Just that right amount of hesitation…

(Shit-eating bitch…As my mother would say….)

"Oh…" another gurgle (I'm sure of it)… "He's not so bad, once you get to know him…I can say he's totally honest…He never lies…"

"Oh…" slightest uncertaincy of tone… "That's good…And I know Amy loves him…But…"

(Here it comes…)

"Really, they'll be ok…If we ever find him…" Leonard, managing to briefly overcome his desperate infatuation and focus on the task assigned to him, scanning the sidewalks for me…

"I hope so…Leonard…I didn't want to say this…For Amy's sake…" tentative sigh...

(Knife raised…)

"What?..."

"I don't think Sheldon may be as innocent as you think…" pause…

"The other night…At the restaurant?..."

"What?..."

(Hofstadter, as I earlier noted, has a tendency to repeat himself or the obvious…)

"He…" gentlest of sighs…Lightest of sad touches on arm… "He…Made an advance to me…"

"What?..."

(Yes, I agree…But what can I do…It was Hofstadter, not one of the others…And I must remain faithful to literary honesty…)

"When I was at the restroom, he came over…Kissed me…" paused…

"What?..."

"…I had to fight him off…Just a little…But he was very insistent…" winsome flash of sad, but lovely brown eyes...

(Can't entirely blame Hofstadter here...Amy's got the same eyes...They're pools of delight and wonder...)

"Sheldon?...Attacked you?..."

"I'm afraid so…" sigh… "He threatened to try again…Leonard, I haven't said a word to Amy yet…But given his unstable behavior…And his sociopathic manner…Surely you can see where this sort of thing is inevitable…"

Sad, innocent gaze…Oh, dear Leonard…

(Lust crazed dolt)

"I've never heard anything like this about Sheldon…" cautious tone…

(Support duly noted…)

"Leonard…" sigh… "As a doctor, I can tell you…Very often a childlike neurotic like Sheldon can conceal violent and aggressive impulses from friends and family for years…Only his victims aware…And…"

Nervous twist of hands…Beautifully done…

"…I suspect Amy isn't telling me all about their relationship…" winsome sigh… "She's so desperate to find love and happiness…I think she's denying anything negative or abusive in the relationship…"

"Abusive?...Sheldon?..."

"I'm afraid for my sister, Leonard…I haven't confided in anyone else but you as yet…" warm smile… "But you are the one who has known Sheldon the longest…Perhaps I'm making too much of a couple of episodes…Does his behavior change when he drinks?..."

"Well…Yeah…" Leonard… "I have seen that…He can be pretty wild when he drinks…But he didn't drink the other night till he came back to the table and we made him sip the champagne…"

"I'm afraid you may be mistaken…I'm sure he had alcohol on his breath when he grabbed at me…Both times…"

"Both?..."

"He'd grabbed me and been a bit violent at our first dinner when we were walking, though then he simply claimed he was being affectionate…After he'd insisted on stopping at the bar and ordering a drink…It's not unusual behavior, Leonard…"

"I can't believe Sheldon would do anything like that…I don't mean to say I don't believe you, Charlotte, but…"

"I understand…You love your friend…" gentle pat… "But I sensed you do have misgivings about this marriage…"

"Well…A few…" shrug… "But mainly just because Sheldon is such a loon sometimes…Though he and Amy do get along well…"

"Amy's always craved affection…At any price…She had a terrible, lonely adolescence…As did I, though I emerged less scared…" smile… "I hope…And I sense you had a rough adolescence too, Leonard…Beyond what Amy's told me of your rather harsh parenting…"

"She told you that?..."

(As I said…Putty in her hot, delicate hands…)

"Oh, yes…I was so interested in her talk of you…But to come back to Sheldon, for a moment…Leonard, if he is a closet alcoholic…And becomes violently aggressive sexually after drinking…In addition to his already neurotic behavior patterns…Surely you can see I'd be concerned for my sister…That's why I was so anxious to speak to him…To see if it was the alcohol…"

"This is just unbelievable…No offense, Charlotte…"

"None taken at all, Leonard…I only ask that you observe him…And think of my poor sister…" sad, concerned smile… "I know it's a terrible imposition…But you know my Amy, she'd never complain…And I fear she might end up in a terrible situation…"

"No…No, it's not an imposition…But…"

(Such faithful support…)

"I trust you to do the right thing…If I have misinterpreted his advances…Though they seemed very…Aggressive…I'm sorry…I'd overlook anything but that it affects my sister's happiness…"

(I can hear the evil cackling…)

"He actually hurt you?..."

"I have the bruises…Which I could show you…" quick sigh to his glance… "But perhaps it was some momentary aberration…Or as I say, the effects of alcohol addiction…"

"Sheldon, a closet drinker?...A violent closet drinker?..."

"Sexually pathological…But I could be wrong, Leonard…All I ask is that you observe him…While I try to talk to him and my sister…" downcast sigh…

(Oh…She is good…In the most Evil way…)

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part IV…

Meanwhile…As the Wicked Witch of the East…From an American pov…Labored...With no doubt labored breathing on the face of one Hofstadter…To bring her schemes for the destruction of the happiness of her sister Amy Farrah Fowler to fruition…The beauteous and brilliant Glinda of the West sought her own true…With considerable annoyance and even some understandable anger, but increasingly frantic anxiety…

I have that effect on women…

What can I do, as Marlene Dietrich would say…

I…Can't help it…

Though she would say it with a Germanic accent and in a rather slinky gown with back-up music…

"All right…We've checked the hospitals by phone and no one answering to Sheldon's description has checked into their ERs…Right, Penny?..." Amy eyed her…

(I refer the reader to my previous notes on incidences involving others without my presence…Please carefully note my willingness to bear under impossible insults and aggravations for the sake of literary truth in the forthcoming lines…)

"Nope…No strangely weedy-annoyingly-arrogant-while-crying-like-a-baby-for-mommie-that-he's-sicky-wicky, man of Sheldon's age has shown up at any of the local ER's…" Penny nodded…Smiling…

"Good…" Amy nodded… "Then we know illness can probably be ruled out as a factor in his disappearance…Unless he collapsed enroute and feral dogs are eating his entrails as we speak…Which would be my luck…" she sighed…

"Oh…" Bernadette shook her head… "I'm sure no dogs would eat Sheldon…He hasn't enough meat on his bones to appeal to them…"

"True enough…Then we come to the other two possibilities…That he has managed to flee the city without use of a car, bus, or train since he can't drive, no bus has picked him up, and there are no trains until tomorrow…"

"He could've hitch-hiked…?" Bernadette suggested…

The other two looked at her…

(I would look at her…Woman?...Me?...)

"Right…Go on, Amy…"

"…And since he could not have walked that far in this time…Unless he was given a ride by alien beings in their spaceship or teleported…And the boys at the command center have detected no electromagnetic traces…He can't have left the city…Meaning that he is deliberately hiding from us…"

Penny frowning..."I still can't believe you had Raj and Howard wasting time doing that electromagwhatever…You know Sheldon transmitted an official No, thank you…via Raj's radio telescope…To any aliens hanging around…And he's said teleportation still won't be feasible for another 4-6 years once he completes the theoretical groundwork…"

(True...I'll have Howard whip something up as soon as I complete my work...But the destroyed/recreated thing makes me fairly confident teleportation's not a mode of transit I'll employ...However it was wise of my Amy to cover all bases...Penny lacks imagination...Not surprising at her intellectual level...)

Amy eyeing her…

"I know but they were just going to play video games otherwise…" head bow… "Meaning he's in deliberate hiding…On the eve of the ritual solemnizing our betrothal…With my sister here to begin final preparations…"

"Oh…Amy…" Penny sighed… "That doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you…"

(Support can come from the strangest places...Thank you, Penny...)

Hmmn…Bernadette rolled eyes…

"What other possible explanation could there be?..." Amy, weeping now…

(Oh…Multiplied by every number of my 187 IQ points for every tear you shed, my beloved…That fiend shall pay…)

"Oh, honey…" Penny embraced her… "No…Sheldon loves you…Unbelievable as those words may seem…I know he does…And he asked you to marry him…"

"More or less…" Amy sighed…

"What..?" Penny pulled back… "But you guys said…?"

"It more or less worked out to that…" Amy, hastily…

(Strange…When we reviewed the events of that evening, a blessed one, I maintain…I was sure I had instigated the action…More or less…)

"What?..." Penny stared…

(You can see she is the perfect potential mate for Leonard Hofstadter…Two minds never functioned so compatibly in low gear…)

"He didn't ask you…?" Bernadette startled…

On the one hand, that's sad…On the other thank God…'Cause I sure hate her choice of bridesmaids' colors…

"He did…Sort of…" Amy paused… "I brought the matter up as I've told you…Indicating my mild annoyance at the slow pace of our relationship after our sexual union…"

"I still wonder how that ever happened…" Penny noted…

"All I will say right now is it made me consider the possibility of miracles…" Amy…Fond beam…

(I would, reader…But I had pledged after the act to leave that tale to the nimble fingers of Amy Farrah Fowler…A tale I believe she meant to relate to our first daughter as a means of making her adolescence bearable…)

"So…How did he end up on his knees?...You did tell us before he was on his knees when he proposed…" Bernadette noted…

(I'm a traditionalist at heart…)

"As I said…I'd brought the matter up…He made his usual evasions…And proposed sex as a compromise…"

(Naturally I'd moved up the notch of physical activity for negotiating purposes after we'd found coitus acceptable…As I quoted my intended Amy earlier… I'm a stud…)

"Sounds…Actually…" Penny reflected… "Very unlike Sheldon…Sex as a 'compromise'?..."

"He'd raised the bar on physical activity…" Amy noted…

"So?..." Bernadette, closing in…

"Wait…" Amy glanced up, then down the street…

Hmmn?...Penny stared…

"In film this is when the character being sought usually passes right by the ones searching for him…Just wanted to rule it out…" Amy, solemnly…

"Anyway…I lost my temper and got physical…Not in the sexual way…Though there was a powerful psychosexual tinge to it…"

"You whaled into him?..." Penny grinned…

(Hardly the right choice of word…Whaling refers to the killing of giant sea mammals for food and various other items, varying with the era…For example in the nineteenth century, oil from whales was collected and used in lamps…)

"I knocked him right off that couch…" Amy noted, proud tone…

(I should note here that in many societies to have a female mate capable of defending oneself or the lair/nesting area is a positive…)

"That explains the knees…" Bernadette nodded… "We'd all wondered about that…"

"Then I burst into tears…The worst emotional jag I'd ever had…And asked for release from our relationship agreement…Threatening to burn the damned thing regardless…"

(Yes…The suspense is killing me as well…)

"And he wouldn't let you…?" Penny smiled…

"What?...Penny, I'd just knocked him on his keyster…" Amy frowned… "He was ready to comply with any request that would spare him a bruisin'…But then he pulled out…The marital agreement…"

(And you thought you knew the outcome, didn't you…? I say, hah…)

She beamed… "He'd had it all along…All ready, the little minx…And he read every word to me on his knees…"

(I am a minx…Yes…)

"He did…?" Penny, Bernadette…Staring…

"And he had the ring…"

"He did…?" choking sound from Penny, Bernadette…

"Yes…The ring…A washer from the first computer he'd ever built…" she sighed…

"And here it is and will stay until it drops off my fleshless finger bone in my casket…" Amy held up ring finger…

"I want to die…" Penny sighed…Bernadette patting her absently…I'm afraid my Howard is going to have a very rough job on the next proposal…

(Ladies…Focus on my fiancée…Your minor problems can wait…)

"But Amy…" Penny shrugged off the depressive sorrow contrasting her unfortunate, sad romantic life with our highly successful one… "A guy who'd do all that isn't just gonna cut and run…There must be something else at work here…"

"Hang on…" she put up a hand… "Phone!..." she pulled out her phone…

"Sheldon!...If that's you, after I take you in my arms, I mean to knock you off your keyster again, be warned!..." Amy hollered…

"No…" Penny shook her head… "It's my friend Cyndy…Hey, Cyn…Just a minute, let me get alone here…"

(Yes…I am smiling a bit smugly…)

Naturally it stood to reason that a sarcastic yet empathic Starbucks waitress (Excuse me, barrista…To use a meaninglessly ridiculous appelage…) of reasonable attractiveness would know Penny…I believe they cluster in herds every night in town at various watering holes…I therefore had put the question to Cyndy and as I expected, she responded in the affirmative…

"Penny?...From Cheesecake Factory?...Sure, I know her…"

(Sure…I smile again, smugly…)

I made a carefully worded request that she contact my friend on her cell phone…If she'd care to be a lamb…Alerting her to the fact that Amy Farrah Fowler must not be allowed to know I was the mysterious stranger initiating contact…

"So you know Penny?..." the frustrating response to my carefully chosen syntax…

I refreshed the explanation of my request…

"So you're engaged to this other girl…Amy?...And you wanna speak to Penny alone?...Without her knowing…?"

Sigh…Lovely direction this is taking…

"Ok…" she nodded… "Penny's your bud and you're trying to let her know something that could hurt your girl Amy, so you gotta get her alone…?...No problem…"

"Yes…Exactly…Thank you…"

"Well I know Penny's not your girlfriend…Otherwise I'd toss you outta here…" she smiled…

I begin to think I should listen next time Leonard suggests we try self-defense classes…There seem to be a lot of aggressive, good-sized waitress about these days…


	4. Chapter 4

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part V…

"Sheldon?...Let me get this straight…" Penny, in isolated corner, annoyed tone…

Smile and brief wave to Amy and Bernadette waiting…Amy looking anxiously up and down the street again…

"Straight" with Penny rarely meaning the geometric term, I await a long and pointless flight off the map…

"You say your future sister-in-law…And that future's looking dimmer by the second…That nice kids' brain doc…"

"Neurologist…Pediatric neurologist…"

"Right…That beautiful and classy lady…Who saves little kids by the dozen every year…Is a 'heartless spawn of Satan who delights in destroying men and the women who love them'…"

"I should note that was me quoting my beloved Amy Farrah Fowler, her own sister…How is my beloved by the way?..."

"Ready to kick your keyster into Hell and then shoot herself…Sheldon, you have really screwed it with her this time…My advice is you run, even take a cab…Yes, Sheldon, a filthy, grimy cab…From wherever you are and get over here this second…I don't care if the mean but pretty French lady will hurt you, Sheldon…"

Difficult girl to talk sense to, really…As I noted to Cyndy who had to admit Penny could be a little…At times…

And at other times, a bit…Well, Cyndy doesn't like to gossip, nor do I…

"She was even dating this funny-looking little guy for a while…Smart, like you I guess…Desperation city…" Cyndy noted, shaking head…

"There is no one…'Smart like me'…" I explained…

But Penny to attend to…And before she loses what little self-control she has and gives the phone to Amy…

"Penny…Amy doesn't like to tell about Charlotte's past…But she's done terrible things…For example…One of those children you mentioned she saved…Is in a mental institution because her life-saver drove her father to insanity and her mother to suicide…"

"What?...Sheldon…" Penny, exasperation in her voice…

I know that sound all too well…I produce it myself all the time…For very good reasons, often involving Penny…

"Amy believes Charlotte loves her and has changed…But it's a lie…Penny, you know I don't lie…My Meemaw would cry in Heaven if I did…"

"Sheldon…You are asking me to believe that a beautiful, talented, poised doctor…From Paris, no less…Who could take her pick of men…Would choose you…?"

"And?..." I ask…

I'm puzzled…What's the difficulty…

"…To destroy her own sister?...Though the 'destroy' part is not unbelievable, given what I know of sisters…" Penny reflected… "…She'd do 'it' with you?..."

Again…The difficulty here?...

"Penny…You know of Amy's adolescence…One that makes…I admit it…Even my purgatory in East Texas look like a tea party…Now imagine that the case for Charlotte…Squared…"

"It is hard to imagine that, Sheldon…"

"Ask Amy to show the photo in her wallet of Charlotte at twelve…When she was sent to boarding school in France?...By the way, do you know why she was sent to boarding school in France?..."

"Great opportunity, maybe?...I sure woulda liked to go…"

"Her father…Still then not having abandoned his family and fled to drink himself to death…Said…And I quote… 'I won't have two ugly dogs in my kennel at once…' end quote…"

"He said…That?..." Penny, gasping noise…

"Penny…Charlotte in her rage over her treatment in adolescence and the contrast after her shedding the carapace of that time has sold her soul to Evil…She is pledged…And told Amy many times…To revenge herself on all men and in destroying them, destroy the women she hates even more for their cruelty to her back then…That gentle, smiling, ethereal nature so seemingly like mine…Is but a façade for black, pitiless, cruelty…"

"Wow…No, Sheldon…This is crazy…Amy didn't turn out like that…"

"That's because Amy has a soul that made the angels weep when she left Heaven, as my mother would say…And I say, minus the religious symbolism…So that she lives to not to punish or hate but to spread love and tenderness…"

"Amy?...Sheldon, that's so sweet…She is very nice…"

"But Charlotte is her dark side…And hates Amy for not joining her in a compact of Evil…Amy's rejection of vengeance and hatred galls Charlotte to the quick…She hates Amy more than any other living soul for that betrayal…And has waited for the day Amy would be on the brink of divine happiness…"

"'Divine happiness'?...Marrying you?..."

Hard to make that girl understand the basics sometimes…

"Sheldon…Look…I won't rat you out to Amy yet…Just come on and let her see you're not dead, being eaten by ferrets or something and we'll talk…"

"NO!...If Charlotte's learns I'm been found, she'll strike…She'll tell Amy…"

"Tell Amy…What?..." stern tone… "Sheldon?..."

"I thought you didn't believe Charlotte could be interested in me?..." my clever riposte…

"Sheldon Cooper!...Did you diddle around with your sister-in-law?..."

Why am I feeling compelled to say…No, mommie…?

"Penny…No…I told you…She diddled…So far to second base and I think a little beyond, though I'm not really sure on the terminology…With me…And I was not a willing participant…"

"Uhnn…Sheldon…"

"Penny…In all the time we've known each other…And since I've known Leonard have I ever lied except to help Leonard those times concealing things from you?..."

"Sheldon…"

"Penny…My life depends on you trusting me…"

"Your life?...Sheldon…"

"Amy Farrah Fowler is my life…Penny, please…"

"Oh…God…"

"What does that mean?...Is that a request for divine assistance?...An indication of uncertainty…Penny, I need to know here…"

"Actually…Sheldon…It's a wish that you're telling the truth…And that someone would love me as much as you'd have to love Amy if all this is true…But…"

"Do one thing for me…Give me fifteen minutes to flee this den of caffeine addicts and…Well, fine…Two things…When you call Charlotte and Leonard over…And she comes…Tell her you're hoping to reunite with Leonard…"

"What?..."

"I'm going to prove to you what I say is true…Leonard no doubt seemed to be finding Charlotte appealing, didn't he?...And she, him, given she asked him to take her searching for me…?"

Pause…

"Well…Yeah…But what does that prove?...She's sweet to everybody and Leonard…God knows…Will fall all over any pretty woman who shows the slightest interest in him…" annoyed tone…Slight sigh…

"Tell her you think you and he might have a chance to get back together…That you're anxious and quite hopeful, in fact…"

Hmmn…

"Penny?...Are you there?..."

"Yeah…Sheldon…I don't wanna do that…"

"Penny…Charlotte isn't interested in Leonard except as an errand boy now…But tell her he's attached or desired by you or another woman…"

"What other woman?..."

"I'm speaking hypothetically….Just tell her you see a future for you…And watch what she does…Odds are you not only hear they're in the sack within the hour, but she makes sure you get a front row seat…"

"Sheldon!..."

"What?...It's what she does…"

"That's crazy…Leonard would never…I mean she would never…"

"Do this for Amy if you won't for me…And for Leonard, before he becomes the Queen Bee's junior drone boy…"

Sigh…

"Penny…?...Penny?..."

"Not tonight, Sheldon!..." her voice took on a harsh tone…But, finally…A sigh…

"All right…Fifteen minutes…No more…"

"And my test?..."

"Yeah, whatever…" sigh…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part VI…

"Alright!..." the frantic voice of Amy Farrah Fowler echoing through the caffeine saturated den that is the Starbucks on Lowry St…Startling the drug-numbed patrons out of their hallucinatory buzzes…

All staring at the youngish personification of the famed Margaret Hamilton in costumed glory…Though still minus the crowning bonnet…And lacking broomstick…

"…Where is he?..." she, stalking through the store, hurriedly but careful eyeing each patron…Several of whom seemed to have dark childhood memories associated with Ms. Hamilton's famed performance in "Wizard of Oz…"

"What's with…?" Cyndy shrugged to Penny who'd followed the racing Amy for three blocks after telling her that her friend had seen Sheldon enter the store…

"You!..."Amy had whirled round and fixing on Penny and Cyndy, headed over… "Where is Sheldon?...Mens' room?...Oh, I must get him out of this Hades of caffeine…"

"She doesn't drink coffee regularly…The beans odor in the air must be getting to her…" Penny noted… "And she's really upset about her boyfriend…"

"Fiancee…" Amy corrected… "Meaning unavailable…Where is he?..." she focused on Cyndy, staring fiercely… "You tell me where he is or where he went, now!...Or I call the police to raid this den!..."

"Amy, it's a coffee shop…It's perfectly legal…" Penny tried, soothing…

"Then I'll go into local politics and have it declared illegal!…Sheldon can't be in a place like this for long, he's got a very delicate electrolyte balance…"

(That's love, gentle reader…And I find I rather like it…All things considered…)

"He left a few minutes ago…Thataway…" Cyndy pointed…In the wrong direction…

(We will name our first born daughter…Well, middle name…If we survive…After her…Amy Cyndy Cooper…I can live with that…)

"Was he ill?...Injured?...Speak up you drug-dealing trollop!..." Amy, hollering…

Amy…Penny hissed… "Cyndy's just tryin' to help here…"

"Yes…" calming tone… "I'm sorry…But was he alright?...He must have still been ambulatory…Unless he'd obtained a mobile wheelchair…"

"Nope…No wheelchair…He did have a boo-boo on his elbow…I got him a…"

"My God!...Oh, Sheldon, how could I have doubted you?...You are ill…Did it break skin?...Was he staggering, delirious with fever?...Answers, girl!..." Amy cried…Cyndy…And even Penny…Recoiling a little from the rather insistent pointed finger and frantic face framed in witch's costume before them…

God, that was a great Halloween choice…Penny thought…

(Agreed…If one notes the luminosity of the beauty contained within as the key factor…I always thought Ms. Hamilton to far outshine her chubby teenage-costar, even if her role was that of Evil personified…)

"…Bandaid…He was fine…I told you he just left…"

"Come, Penny…The game's afoot!...There's no time to lose!…Addicts!..." Amy took in the room… "You have my pity and sympathy…Come, Penny!...Now is not the time to dawdle…"

"I really think the beans are getting to her…" Penny noted…Sighing to Cyndy… "Thanks a lot…"

Just outside…Next to the patrol car that had been parked outside the Starbucks, Charlotte and Leonard had arrived, in response to Penny's summons…Leonard hailing the two women as they emerged…

(I, of course, already safely ensconced in a secure observation post across the street…The second floor of Cyndy's building in fact, she having given me the door code…

She's a lamb…)

My God, that was a good Halloween costume for Amy…Leonard, staring…

And she's not bad in it, at that…

(Hands off, Hofstadter…Or once again face the ju-jitsu skills of one Cooper…I whooped you once, I can do it again…)

"Our quarry has flown…But is wounded…" Amy, tersely…

"He's actually hurt?…" Leonard stared… "So there may be some legitimate reason, relatively speaking for all this nonsense chasing him…"

"Poor Sheldon…" Charlotte breathed, shaking head concernedly… "How was he injured?..."

Penny, her natural instinct for deceit in women honed by my warnings, watching…Wondering a bit now…

Though rather too concerned with Hofstadter's obvious panting after the latest female to hold him in pitiful thrall…

(In the Dracula films, Leonard would be the rather innocent and naïve, yet oversexed by years of repression, female of low intellect who always ends up bitten, killed by the Count, and too stupid to avoid being staked first by the fearless vampire hunters…

Hmmn…Food for thought, there…)

"I've no details…Only a description of his wound…A possible skin break…" Amy shook her head…

"I don't remember Sheldon being hurt tonight…" Leonard shrugged… "Did he fall climbing out of the room?..."

"What?..." Amy stared…

"Leonard?...Not helping…" Penny glared…

(Indeed…It's been my experience his presence usually does not…)

"Well, we must find him…He can't be far on foot and hurt…" Charlotte noted…Looking round hastily…

(Anticipating the kill already, no doubt…Her prey vulnerable, she seeks the spoor…)

"Say, Leonard…" Penny suggested with an effort at casual… "How about Amy goes with you in the car?...If Sheldon's hurt, she'll want to rush him to the nearest ER…Amy?...Charlotte, Bernadette, and I can stay on foot…?"

"What?...Sorry, just reviewing my mouth-to-mouth resuscitation skills…Sheldon and I practice religiously…" faintest of smiles…

(You likewise minx, you…I return smile…Postdated…)

"An effective way of killing two birds with one physical intimacy…" she noted…

"I don't think…" Charlotte, cautiously…Leonard no doubt eager to add his support for keeping the… (rolling eyes) teams together…

"Sheldon's likely to be near and he may be afraid to face Amy…" Penny whispered to her as Amy scanned the sidewalk for any possible clues while pondering the suggestion…

Hmmn…The evil wheels in my sister-in-law's fiendish mind whirring…A chance to catch Sheldon alone, but for whoever this "Penny" and that "Bernadette" are in the local scheme of things…

"Perhaps you're right, Penny…" both Fowler girls in perfect echo…

"Lets consider this…" Leonard, a bit lamely…

(And with that groveling whine so characteristic of him when he senses a faint chance of coitus fading away on the elegantly lilac-scented breeze from Charlotte…)

"I think it is the wisest plan, the three of us on foot, and you and Amy in car…" Charlotte, gentle smile…Please, for my dearest sister, oh sweet Leonard… "Amy, don't worry, dearest…I'll find him…"

Hmmn…Penny, catching just the faintest, brilliantly concealed gleam…

(Find me…And leave nothing but the crunched remains of my bones…)

"Uh…Well…If you think so…" (Or, no doubt some such nonsense to that effect) Leonard sighed…

"Right…Come, Leonard…" Amy was getting into the car… "We need to be quick, here, people!...Get moving!…Remember his favorite superhero is the Flash…Floor it, Mr. Hofstadter!..."

"Yeah…Yeah…" sigh…Glance after Charlotte, who gave a gentle wave… "Good luck, Leonard…Amy…" silkenly soft call…

Penny frowning at the sighing Hofstadter…

Goddamn you little…

"Round the block, as fast as lightning!..." Amy's cry from the car window…Wave of black silk enrobed arms…

Right…Flying monkey…Penny nodded grimly…Watching the car pull out…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part VII…

Having agreed to keep close, two of the third seekers on foot of yours truly, Dr. Sheldon Cooper…The Maltese falcon of their quest…Had regrouped after separately searching several building grounds on the main street where I had briefly holed up in a sordid and dangerous, but convenient caffeine den…

(The things I do for the love of Amy Farrah Fowler…)

Namely my nemesis and would be…Well, wouldn't be, if she has her way…sister-in-law, Dr. Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, M.D., one of the world's premier pediatric neurologists…And Penny, a waitress we know…

Waiting for the third member of their band, Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski, Ph.D, (Microbiology, though) to return from her search, Penny has decided to implement my suggested means of verifying the accuracy of my report regarding the Evil that is Charlotte…A field test…

(Well about time…)

"So…You had a chance to talk to Leonard a little…In private…" smile…

"Oh, yes…He's a very sweet fellow…" Charlotte, nodding, attention focused on the hunt but always one eye open, ear available for any chance to treacherously cleave an open heart…

"I understand from Amy…And he, himself…That you and he have been…Close…" friendly smile…Glance far down street, then careful analysis of the sidewalk for potential clues…

"Yeah…We were pretty hot for a while…Then I got a little unsure…" Penny, nodding…

"Well…He seems very fond of you…As are all Amy's friends…" Charlotte, warm beam… "I think it's so sweet that you've been right there with Sheldon and Leonard all this time to look after them…I know Amy appreciates it…She regards you as a very dear friend…I'm so glad of that…She and I had so few friends growing up and then I went to France, and though we stayed in touch all those years…It was very hard to look out for my little sis…"

"So I've heard from Amy…" Penny, peering down the street for Bernadette… "But you two both turned out very well, I'd say…You're such a success and Amy…Well, she's great…"

"A bit unusual…But perhaps that's what's driven her in her career…That single-minded devotion I so lack…Though I am glad she's found someone to care for at last…"

"Yeah…Sheldon, with all his faults, is a good guy…And he loves Amy, I know that…"

"That's so clear…" Charlotte, angelic beam…Sigh… "Though his behavior does worry me at times…Especially this sudden departure…"

"It's Sheldon…" Penny shrugged… "What can ya do?...Either just love him or run like hell from him…"

"I see…" Charlotte, carefully… "And you are one of those who loves him, I'm sure..."

(Patiently probing…Like a spider spinning a web, watching for the fly…)

"It was tough…" roll of eyes… "Very tough…But, yeah…In the end, he grows on you…" grin…

"I see…It's just so delightful you spend so much time with him…And the others..."

(As I said…She is good…In the most Evil way…Lovely…Charlotte clearly setting up a canvas for her sister on which the vixen Penny leads us in Roman orgies each night…A nice extra touch to add to the blackened character of Sheldon Cooper…

Does make some sense, I suppose…I can't really imagine any other reason for association with her sounding plausible…)

"Well…I spend time with Amy and Bernadette too…We've become quite a gal team…Amy even goes out with us…And I can tell you, we've seen her get pprretty wild…" grin…

"How lovely my poor sister has such friends…" warm smile…Slight toss of exquisitely wind-blown hair… "Tell me, though…Has she ever seen other men?..."

"Other?..."

"I can't help feeling…Please don't misunderstand, Penny…I'm happy about Sheldon and her, if it's what she wants…Truly…It's just, what with her shyness and her problems mixing in society…She may not have had much chance to compare Sheldon to other men…"

"Oh, she's gone out with other guys…Some…A few…"

"Not like our drug addict cousin, I hope…?"

"She told us the prom story, yeah…But no…Some nice guys…Heck, she even went out with Leonard one time…Which was pretty threatening to our Sheldon…Finally got his motor running on track, though…"

"Oh?...Say…It seems as if Bernadette is delayed?...Shall we go over and see that she's alright?..."

"Yeah…" They moved down the street toward Bernadette's departure point…

(Apply the gasoline, missy…Time is short…)

"Really?...So Amy dating your Leonard got Sheldon jealous?..."

"Well, it was just a wedding…But, yeah…He got a little possessive and green-eyed, Amy tells me…And that got him moving…"

"So Sheldon is the jealous type?... I rather thought him so reserved, in public at least…"

"Well, he actually did whack Leonard a bit…I understand…" Penny grinned… "But it was all very innocent and there wasn't anything really between Leonard and Amy…"

"That's a relief…I suppose…" smile… "Though…Physically violent?..."

"Oh?...Oh, no…Not really violent…Just a karate chop or two, so Leonard said…"

"Really…As to relief…I mean that Amy had no feelings for Leonard…He is a very attractive young man…"

"Leonard?...Sure…In a Hobbity, rabbity sorta way…" casual wave…"I love him still…" sudden cut to chase…Slight trembling…

(Two can play at this game, sister-in-law…Though, really Penny…You can't hope to play a genius like Charlotte for long without being stripped of all your pawns, rooks, knights, bishops, queen…Checkmate on the forelorn, humiliated king…)

"Really?..." Charlotte, regarding her…Hmmn…

"Well…" warm smile… "He is a delightful and brilliant man…But are you actually…?"

"We've talked…Some…It was a little me…A little him when we broke up…We'd like to see if we can put things back together…And I hope it works out… 'Cause I really love him…"

'Ah…" smile… "That's just wonderful…Real love is so beautiful…I only wish the real thing would come for me…" sigh…

"Charlotte, I can't believe you'd have any trouble finding a great guy…"

"They're very few, Penny…" sigh… " 'Guys' in plenty…Great ones…Very few…And I tend to be wrapped up in my work, like my sister…And I am a bit shy with men…Which is why it has been so nice to meet Leonard…You feel you can trust him so easily…He is so open…And charming…" fondly innocent look…

"Is he?...Really?...Is he?...How open?…I mean…How is he, open?...I get the charming…"

"Well…" Diplomatic beginning…Ethereally sweet tone…

"Guys?...No luck…" Bernadette called, hurrying up to them… "I thought I had a lead 'cause someone saw a weird hooded figure running up to a building down the street but he buzzed in without using equipment or a laser…So that rules Sheldon out…"

(A nice and well-intentioned, if occasionally annoying girl, for the likes of an engineer…But no match for the intellect of Sheldon Cooper…

Now, as I watch from my secure lair…Where I can view the three searchers in perfect…Security…I need only wait for Time to do its work in completing my little test study…And meanwhile…I must make further plans…

And find a restroom…That hot chocolate has gone right on through…)


	5. Chapter 5

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part VIII…

In my existence in this timeframe and corner of the infinite multiverse, I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, have known many crises of epic proportions…My move to college at 11…My valedictorian address…The death of my beloved Meemaw…My epic battles with my mortal (former, unless the bastard subordinated Brent Spinner to open that action figure) enemy, Wil Wheaton…The search for a new roommate ending in Leonard Hofstadter…My struggles in educating Penny to a semblance of coherent thought…My relationship with the divine Amy Farrah Fowler…But never…Never until now have the stakes been so high or the odds so great…

The love of Amy Farrah Fowler and our future together on the line…My most fiendish enemy, the Moriarty of sexual crime and my existence, her sister, Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, on my trail and seeming to hold all cards…Me, a desperate man on the run…Hunted even by those I love…Or treasure as acquaintances…

And my only ally…

Penny…

Yes, I could confess to a moment's despair…Understandable, I'd say…

But I have the most worthy of goals shining before me…My own incredible intellect to aid me…And…

Penny…Who no doubt will do her waitressy best…

Lord…Sadly, I cannot choose the tools I must work with…

Though she has at least begun the process of confirming my statements to her as to the evil nature of Charlotte and her intentions…

And arguably, if I can convince Penny…I can convince anyone…

But in the meantime…Having found a common men's room and done my business, I must attend to preparations for the next stage in my efforts to expose and defeat my nemesis…

The obtaining of evidence to clear my name…And since I must be able to remove any future doubt of me from the keen mind and able memory of Amy Farrah Fowler without resort to neurosurgery…It must conclusively refute the statements her sister has vowed to make if I fail to comply with her demands…

Difficult…As I have not yet invented time travel and my failure to temporally materialize during the initial signing of my roommate agreement with Leonard Hofstadter as specified during said signing indicates I am not likely to …I therefore cannot reverse or record the events of the last few evenings when Charlotte made her initial moves on my bones…

Equally important…Any recording of evidence will require equipment which I do not presently have on my person…And should I attempt to return to our apartment, braving the mean streets below…I'll either be spotted by my patrolling friends…Or turned in by Howard and Raj on arrival…

Of course I could attempt risking a night-time bus ride all the way to the University campus…Something in of itself sure to help convince Amy and my friends of my sincerity…But Amy and Leonard will be sure to be watching the few runs at this time of night and then the game will be up…

Plus I need a plan…Charlotte is far too clever and subtle to be taken easily in some compromising situation in which she rants her schemes of Evil in detail like some lesser comic book supervillain…

Dealing with in-laws is hard…

Wait…Comic books…Yes…

I may possibly have another ally on whom I can call…One who might well understand my plight being somewhat well versed in plots involving treacherous female villains…And since he lives at his workplace there should be no problem with my going to see him at this hour…All he's likely to be doing is sleeping…

"Ok…" Leonard sighed, looking out his car window…Amy nervously staring out of hers… "Third circuit around…No Sheldon on the sidewalk, no Sheldon at the near bus stops…No Sheldon in the Starbucks or the 24 hour pharmacy…No way he's at McDonalds here…"

"Stop!..." Amy cried… "I'm determined to leave no stone unturned…Turn in…"

"McDonalds'?...Amy…This is Sheldon we're talking about…"

"He may be suffering amnesia-like effects from his injury…"

"Amy, he had a scrape on his elbow, not a brain concussion…"

"I said, go in, damn you!..." she shouted, waving arms…He stared at her…

Ok…

"Sorry…My emotional state is highly wrought right now…" she sighed… "Please go in…I'll just take a quick look…"

"Sure…" he nodded, turning the car into the McDonalds lot… "Amy, I'm sorry Sheldon is acting like such a dork tonight…I know it's embarrassing to you with your sister here and all…I wish I could've guessed he'd be jumpy and, I don't know…Held him down or something…" he pulled up near a window…

"I don't see him…One minute…" she got out…

What a night… (Or some such commonplace…The aforementioned poetic license here…) Leonard thought…Looking over as Amy tapped on her window's glass, he rolled the window down…

"I forgot to ask if you wished to partake of one of the forms of vile liquid glop, empty carbohydrates, or life-threatening fat-and-sodium chloride laced meat-like products within…?"

"No…Thanks…"

"Excellent choice…" she nodded…Pausing…"Leonard?...You know him better than anyone in our circle of compadres…Do you think he deliberately left because of the engagement party planning?...It does rather firmly substantiate our upcoming nuptials…"

"You mean do I think he has cold feet?..."

"I fail to see what the temperature of his feet has to do with anything…Sheldon's always seemed to have good circulation in his limbs…Have you been attempting to reset the thermostat in violation of the roommate agreement again?..."

"No…" sigh… "Amy, I don't think it's impossible Sheldon might be having some second thoughts…He's not easily adaptable to change you know…And this is a hell of a big change…Even for someone fairly well-adjusted…But it doesn't mean he wants out of the marriage…" he hastily added…Eyeing her stricken face…

"One moment…" she hurried off, into the restaurant…He watched through the restaurant window as she raced through…

Sheldon…You stupid…He shook his head…

(His Hobbity oversized head… While I can tolerate such insults for the sake of artistic honesty and integrity, I don't have to let them go unanswered…)

She came out and got into the car without a word…Staring straight ahead…

"I don't think I can bear this…" quiet sad tone…Shaking head… "I was so happy and now…"

"Amy…God, I'm so sorry…" Leonard patted her…

"Please Leonard, don't put the moves on me now…" she leaned away… "I understand your passion for my body but despite my despair I'm not ready to drown my sorrow in illicit sex with another…"

"I'm not putting moves on you…" he frowned… "I just wanted you to know I sympathize…And I feel responsible as I said…Not watching him more closely and all…"

"Sorry…Misinterpreted…Anyway, you can't be expected to watch him after our marriage…" she waved a hand… "And I don't expect it now…Either Sheldon wants this…Or he doesn't…Lets go…"

"Around the block again?...The train station…"

"Back to where we dropped the others off, then home…" she shook her head… "Either he'll come or he won't…" she sighed, then sat up a bit…

"Maybe just once more around…?" he suggested… "You can call Penny while we go round…"

"Ok…" she nodded…Eyeing him as he pulled the car out and into traffic… "So…How do you like Charlotte?...You spent a little time with her tonight…"

"Oh, she's great…Very nice…"

"Good…"

"You never mentioned much about her before…" he began…

"We've established that you find my sister tolerable, Leonard…There's no need for conversational chit-chat…" she cut him off…

"Fine…" he frowned out the window…Silence…

"Are you going to call?..." he asked, after a few moments…

"Sorry…If that was rude…" she suddenly spoke up… "I'm not my usual sparkling conversationalist tonight…I'm glad you got along with Charlotte…If my own wedding plans fail, perhaps you and she could hook up…You could at least make use of the hotel facilities we rented for the engagement party…"

"Amy…"

"Sorry…I'll call…" she pulled out the phone…Hesitating…

"In some ways I wish you were free of your ties to Penny…" she said suddenly… "It would be nice if you and Charlotte hit it off…She's not happy, I think…She never has been…"

"Oh?..."

"But I wouldn't want to hurt Penny…Charlotte can find someone I'm sure…It's just…" she eyed him…

"You're a very considerate person, Leonard…"

"Thank you…" he smiled at her… "I try to be…"

"A bit self-centered and narcissistic…And perhaps a tad neurotic…But very considerate…" she smiled faintly at him…

"Thanks…"

"I'm engaged to the King of Neurotics…Tad is a complement, believe me…" she smiled…Pressing to dial…

"Hello, Penny…We're coming to pick you…Yes, I guessed that…Meet us at the Starbucks…It's time to go home…" she closed the phone…

"He loves you…He really does…" Leonard eyed her briefly…

"He should…" she nodded… "But he has to make up his mind…Once and for all…I can't bear this much more…And like my sis, I been to Hell and back…I don't deserve more…"

"Charlotte said it was bad…For you both…Growing up…" he said, carefully… "I know what you've told me already would leave most people institutionalized…"

"It was worse for Charlotte…She was the one they sent away…"

"She seemed to do well by it…She obviously loves France…A citizen now and all…"

"Living there gave her some benefits…She got away from my father and mother…The schools gave her poise and elegance…And a fine education…Plus they had some excellent plastic surgeons…But…I doubt she loves any place…And maybe anyone…Except…"

"She loves you…" he stared at her… "She talked about you all the time tonight and to everyone at dinner both nights…How proud of you she was and all…You're her lil' sis…She came here to be with you…"

"I'd like to think she loves me…" Amy sighed… "I've tried to love her…Leonard?..."

"Yeah?..."

"Be careful around Charlotte…" she eyed him… "She's not quite what she may seem…Though I believe she has found some stability…She's got a past…And it's not all victim…"

"Hmmn?...What do you mean?..."

"She can be a bit cruel…Or she was capable of it, once…Quite capable…I don't want you or Penny hurt…"

"I'm ok with her…" he shrugged… "And Penny doesn't care about me anymore, except as a friend…"

"Now you're being cruel, Leonard…" she frowned… "And you know it…"

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XI…

Our apartment where Howard and Raj had "maintained the command post" (i.e. played unauthorized Halo on a night not designated for such…)

"No luck…?" Howard to Leonard…Hopeful glance to a frowning Bernadette…

Not for you, buddy…Her return glance…

Raj for his part, spellbound and helpless in the presence of multiple beautiful ladies…Charlotte warmly smiling upon him for a moment…Reducing him to an utter puddle of curry…

"No…" Leonard frowned… "Wherever he's holed up, he's done it well…We thought we had a lead at Starbucks…"

"Starbucks?..." Howard, blinking… "Sheldon?...At Starbucks…?"

"It was pretty clever, actually…" Leonard noted… "I know I'd never have thought to look for him there…"

"All this to get out of…" Howard, reflecting…

(What can I say…The man is an engineer…)

"Uh…" he eyed Amy's shattered face…Charlotte with arm on her shoulder…

And Bernadette's grim one…Penny's equally so…

"…An evening with us…But hey, maybe he had some work at the University…He's like that, taking off to suddenly do work in the middle of the evening…" lame finish…

"He's not working…But thank you Howard…" Amy sighed…

(Au contraire, mon amour…And all for you…)

"Has he ever done this before?..." Charlotte asked…

(The inner cackling no doubt reaching epic proportions…Sensing victory to be hers…)

"He's locked himself in his room…" Leonard reflected… "And me out of the apartment…And once he did run home to his mother in east Texas…"

"I see…" Charlotte nodded… "My poor Amy…" she patted her…

"I'm fine…" Amy shrugged… "Sheldon will show up, with some explanation, when he wishes…For now, it's best I go home and drown my sorrows in carrot juice…"

Penny, eyeing her…

"It would be ice cream, cake, or booze…" Amy shrugged again… "But hey, he might show in time for the party and I don't wanna gain ten pounds before hand…"

"I'll stay with you…" Charlotte, insistent… "Leonard?...Could you drive us to Amy's…?"

"Sure…"

"Thanks, Charlotte…Would you mind if Penny…My bestie?...And my friend Bernadette?...Come too…Penny?...Bernadette...If you don't mind…Would you?..."

"If you guys really want me...Sure…" Penny eyed them… "Yeah..." Bernadette nodded... "We'll burn that little Sheldon's ears off with our witty gal tales of his flaws and inadequacies..."

Amy staring...Hard frown...

"Or maybe we'll just drink carrot juice and watch a weepy video?..."

"I wouldn't have it any other way…" Charlotte, smiling warmly… "A girls' slumber party…You know I've only been to one in my life, besides with the ones Amy and I had with each other when we were young…"

"Remember, Amy?...The other girls called me the 'elephant woman' and wanted me to play a human piñata?…It was so much fun…" she beamed… The group blinking at each other…

Naturally defeating both the series of multiple locks and the rather simple alarm system at our friend Stuart's comic book store…Our special place…Was no challenge to me, once I'd stealthily made my way to the locale…

The only real threat being the temptation to feast upon the new issues gleaming in their racks before me once I'd made my way inside…But when Love drives a man, even comic book mania must bow…

However I was rather startled to find on moving toward the living quarters in back that a light was on…

And to find Stuart, a rather elfin little fellow, of no more than minor sexual appeal to females, awake in bathrobe, reading from a stack of comics by his favorite chair…Eyeing me as I approached, with no surprise whatsoever…

"Hello, Sheldon…" he glanced at me… "I've been waiting for you…"


	6. Chapter 6

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part X…

Slightly nonplussed to find our comic book fixer, Stuart, ready and waiting for me, I extended my catlike senses…Ready to take flight at the slightest sign of the approach of a Fowler, female gender…And calmly addressed my confronter after taking the seat he'd offered…

Dusting, of course…

"How did you know I was coming?..."

"Amy telephoned that your guys were all out looking for you and to let her know if you by any chance surfaced here…As a former beau, despite the fact of our rather rough parting…I promised to keep a lookout…I'd a feeling you'd show here…Milk?..." raise of glass…

"Yes, please…Have you called her?...You mustn't let her or anyone know I'm here…" I scan all exits for the best and most secure exgress in emergency situations, including a posse closing in as Stuart rises to fetch the promised milk...

"I haven't…Yet…" He sighs, handing me a glass of Nature's perfect food…Eyeing me as I seek any possible weapon… "What are you doing?..."

"Looking for a weapon….I promise to use minimal violence, but I can't permit you to let Amy know of my whereabouts…"

"Sheldon, I haven't called Amy…Though I promised to…"

Narrowing of my eyes to express disapproval…

No one lies to my finance…Even to help me protect her…

But, there is the possibility Charlotte has already infected and assimilated this node of our universe…I must be shrewd…

"And why wouldn't you call her…Having promised to…?"

Stuart…Sigh… "I thought I might help her better by talking to you…"

Hmmn?... "Do go on…"

"I care about her, Sheldon…And I'm your friend…"

"Possibly…Yes…And…?"

"And…I could guess that you might be having a few…Jitters…Prewedding…"

Why does everyone keep assuming that?...

"It's understandable, if you do…I thought you might come here looking for a safe haven…It is a corner of our universe Amy rarely visits…" smile…

"I see…Oh, and please accept this annoyed frown as a delayed expression of barely restrained jealous rage at your mention of having feelings for my fiancée…" annoyed frown… "And you really though I might come here, with the clichéd 'cold feet' of a nervous nelly of a fiancée?..."

"Aren't you here?...And don't you have the clichéd cold feet?..." firm stare, cocked head…

One must admit…Though he is wrong on particulars…Daily exposure to comic books does confer a certain wisdom about life and Humanity…

"I don't have even lukewarm feet, Stuart…" I proudly note… "My feet are seething hot with love for the divine Amy Farrah Fowler…But I did need to flee to sanctuary tonight…And I do need your help…As does Amy, though she doesn't and must not know it…"

A message on Amy's phone reminding her that the hotel we'd chosen for our engagement party wished her to confirm her satisfaction with the ballroom chosen…And the hotel being the one Charlotte had booked her room in, unsure, she'd told Amy, if there'd be room for her at Amy's with all the bustle of an upcoming nuptial going on…And said hotel hosting a fine and well-stocked bar, open all night…The ladies had decided to repair to the hotel and its well-stocked alcohol supply instead of Amy's apartment…

Should Sheldon…(That would be me…)…Appear at Amy's empty place, wishing to make groveling amends for his lack of common courtesy…Tough nuggies…As Bernadette put it…

(Yes…When Evil with a capital E has been dealt with…Certain people will pay…)

Leonard, the sole male of the group, permitted to accompany them as chauffeur…

Penny watching carefully for any subtle signs of moves by Charlotte in his direction…If, as I had indicated in my analysis, Charlotte was the spider queen of sexuality I'd described based on Amy's tales and my own observations, knowing Penny seemed hopeful for a reunion with Leonard, she would delight in killing any such notions in the bud…An appetizer, as it were, to the entrée…Roast Sheldon…

So far, nothing serious…Though Charlotte had been rather fortunate in her positioning so as to reach the passenger door of the car first…Yet not so as to seem to have been deliberately aimed to gain access to said seat…Just one of those little coincidences that always seem to have consequences…

And if she did seem to be monopolizing the conservation with Leonard on the way to the hotel, it wasn't that she hadn't encouraged Penny in join from the back seat she shared with the rather downcast Amy and uncertain-how-to-comfort, Bernadette…It just seemed the conversation focused on just those topics Penny could find little to comment on…

(She's good…Oh, she's good…Though to be fair, there is little conversational material Penny can comment on…)

And if she was quick to suggest, after a glum Amy had dully surveyed the ballroom in question and pronounced it fine for either role of party reception hall or wake room, and a round of margaritas in the bar, that a walk about the hotel might be nice before Leonard left …She'd eagerly encouraged Penny to join her and Leonard after Amy had begged off, wishing to simply go to Charlotte's room with a pitcher of margaritas…The carrot juice having been substituted for by the more potent liquid…

Bernadette offering to join (guard) her, the remaining three toured the grounds, returning to the large bar and lounge area by another door…Practically empty but for a bored barkeep who took their drink order and urged them to "sit anywhere…"

(Rather Bohemian place…Amy's choice…)

"Hey, a piano…" Leonard looked over…Moving to the instrument…

Running fingers over keys…Charlotte looking over, moving nearer…

"Oh, you play?...You must play for me…For us…"

Smile to Penny…

Yeah…

Us…

Right…

"Oh, not well…Just…I did have a few years of piano…" he shrugged…

"Now, Leonard…You must…Penny?..." winning smile…To her rather pasted one… "Tell him he must play for me…And you…"

Play?...Penny stared…

For you?...

You never once played for me…She stared…

"Come on, Leonard…" Charlotte enticed… "If you play…I'll sing…Badly as I do…"

"You sing?..." Penny…

"I love music…I used to sing at school through college…" Charlotte beamed… "But you'll have to bear with me…I'm sure I'm not as good as Leonard plays…"

She moved just by the piano where Leonard reluctantly tinkled the keys…

"Please…?"

"Yeah…Please…" Penny, taking seat…Grumbly…

"Well…If you want to…What's the song?..."

"Do you know, 'C'est Magnifique'?..."

"Yeah…E-flat, right?..."

"Please…"

Charlotte…Ethereally soft…To start…Slinking pace round room…Eyes closing and opening in rapture to the music…

"When love…" long stroke of dress down to waist… "Comes in…And takes you for a spin…" hands out at sides, swaying…

Leonard, jaw dropping…

"…Ooh, la, la, la, c'est magnifique…" purr, slink...Sidelong winsome glance at the increasingly hapless Leonard…Penny staring…

"When every night…" hands up dress… "Your…Loved one…Holds you tight…" Near miss pass by Leonard's head…Bend…Near brush of lips…

"Ooh, la, la, la, c'est magnifique…" fall to whisper…

Penny, rolling eyes…

"But when one day…" winsome sigh, hands along dress again… "Your loved one…Drifts away…Ooh, la, la, la, it is so tragique…" sad nod, pass, lightest stroke of Leonard's hair…

Yeah…Leonard nods, playing…

Tragique…

"But when once more…" pause by the rapt Leonard, she hovering… "She whispers…" whispering… " 'Je t'adore'…" to his staring face…

Oh, God…Penny frowning…

"Ooh…la…la..la…C'est magnifique…"

Yeah…Leonard, mouth open…

"Magnifique…"

Yeah…Penny, icy stare…Magnifiwhatever…

(Just a suggest...Amazon has a great recording by Christie Wynn in MP3...Exactly the tone I mean here...)

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XI…

Stuart had heard my tale of seduction, deceit, betrayal, suspense, bold heroics, and even, horror, with a mixture of puzzlement, fascination, and a certain level of disbelief…

Amy's sister?...A seductive fiend bent on destroying her sister and incidentally, all Mankind?...And Womenkind…I believe I've noted she hates women as much as men…Though she doesn't go that way, so far as Amy knows, so she seems to prefer to destroy them secondarily…

She does like children though…Which is no doubt why she's such a leading pediatric neurologist…

Still, he had to admit, while pondering the case I'd spread before him with incisive brilliance…The Fowler intellect, that glorious basic body plan, coupled to French arts of dress, elegance, and sophistication, twisted to the Dark Side…A truly frightening potential….Given that smoldering sexuality so characteristic of Fowler women…

"Ow!...Sheldon!...What the hell?..."

I intensify annoyed glare… "Let that be a warning, Stuart!…Amy is not for you!..."

"Ok, ok…Right…" Sigh… "Sorry…"

"Apology provisionally accepted…" I relent…My trademark ju-jitsu moves once again having established the territorial bounds… "It's understandable you'd continue to sigh after Amy Farrah Fowler…"

"She is one hell of a woman…You're a lucky man, Sheldon Cooper…And nice to see you finally grew enough of a real brain and heart to appreciate her, tin man…" wry smile…

"Luck has nothing to do with it…My superior intellect and my general genetic fitness for producing superior offspring were apparent to Amy Farrah Fowler from the moment Koothrappali and Wolowitz set us up that dating service…Logic and the forces of Evolution dictated we should eventually mate…"

"Uh-huh…"

"Plus I'm a stud…And so cute a moon-pie as to set her sexual furnace to danger, whoa…"

Stuart, staring…Finally head shake…

(Just because I know I'm wise to have grown a part of a brain and heart capable of appreciating Amy Farrah Fowler is no reason I must admit it to anyone…Except her…)

"But therein lies the problem…Charlotte now sees me as the prize of prizes…The clear path to finally destroying her sister's potential for happiness forever…"

"You…?" Stuart eyes me… "She wants…You?..." he shook his head… "Well, I suppose if she really…Really hates Amy…And given I can't for the life of me figure out how Amy can tolerate you…"

I rise, resuming annoyed glare, preparing a second ju-jitsu strike…

Stuart put up a hand… "Ok…Sorry…Lets consider the matter…"

I sit…Placated…For the moment my wrath appeased by the need to focus on the greater good…The happiness of Amy Farrah Fowler…

"If I grant that Charlotte is the monster you describe…And that's taking life pretty far into comic book territory…Which generally hasn't happened since the Cold War…"

"Au contraire…I must point out that the new movie Iron Man, Tony Stark, fights in Afghanistan…"

"True enough…" Stuart wisely accepting my point… " But I think we need to consult another point of reference here, Sheldon…One, despite my passion for things comic and graphic, I'm fully versed in…As is Amy…"

Narrowing of eyes…I see he cannot refrain from his attempts to link himself and my Amy at some level…

But, for the moment, I need any allies I can get, and he has a useful working knowledge of our group dynamic, so I need him…Plus, given my knowledge of Amy…And my stated superior intellect…I've anticipated the reference…

"You mean…Classic film…" I note, a tad smugly…

"Yeah…I didn't think you indulged in anything but sci-fi and fantasy…" Stuart, impressed…

"My film closet was, I confess, a little small…Amy Farrah Fowler felt it bonding to introduce me to her passion for old classics…I have, as a result, gradually expanded my interest in the media niche of classic filn like a budding rose under the lamp of her warm enthusiasm and delight in my growing appreciation…"

"Great…Then you see where I'm going with this…It's in classic film…Film noir, I'd say…Where we can find a reference and guidance…Your story fits well into the genre of scheming femme fatales…"

"Agreed…" I nod… "But please note Charlotte Magdelena Fowler's rage at Humanity exceeds the usual noir quest for money and some hunkish, studly fellow…Though it does play a role here…Me being a stud…"

"Right…" sigh…

"In any case, my time is short…Charlotte is rapidly ensconcing herself within our group, I know…Poor Amy wants to believe in her sister's reformation and her professed love for her and her judgment is, possibly fatally, clouded by that and her detailed knowledge of Charlotte's sufferings …And to be frank with someone not normally worthy of such a confidence…Stuart…I'm a world-shaking genius in the theoretical world, but somewhat at sea in the savage jungle of practical, everyday reality…I don't know if I has the skills to cope with a player like Charlotte who functions so capably with people… Deceit and seduction just aren't my forte…Surprising as it may seem to you…I lack people skills…"

Hmmn…Stuart staring…

"I know you deny it…" I went on…

"Oh, no…You do lack people skills, Sheldon…In fact I don't know sometimes how you survive in the real world at all…"

Frown…(me, naturally…)

"But the point to be taken here is that to beat Charlotte, you have to play from your strengths, as she does…"

"But she's strong at almost all levels…Not my equal in theoretical physics of course but in practical action and integration with people…Not to mention she's a whiz at deceit and male seduction and I'm proficient at neither…"

Hmmn…Stuart, blinking a bit at the last…Well…He put up a hand…

"But you do have one advantage, Sheldon…Unbelievable as it may seem to me…You have friends…" Stuart notes… "And I doubt she does…Followers and minions maybe…But, if she's what you say…No friends…No one who'll work for her independently, out of friendship…" shrewd nod…

"Really?..."

Hmmn…Never considered that the said 'friends' might be more than an annoying encumbrance, useful solely for transport and obtaining supplies and occasionally holding places at tables…Still…

"Well 'friends' or not…In a very short time I will caught, like a fly in amber, unable to clamber out…And Amy will be convinced of my doubts about us, my general instability as a long-term mate, and that I made the moves on Charlotte, if only to break us up out of some ridiculous fear of commitment…Stuart, you've got to help me…For Amy's sake, if you ever truly cared…I did say cared, not care…Because it is forever in the past tense…For her…" I raise ju-jitsu arm of death…

"Yeah…Fine…I'll do what I can, Sheldon…For Amy's sake…And as a friend…"

(Note-promote one Stuart to friend from treasured acquaintance…)

"…But you need proof…As Mark Stevens did in 'The Dark Corner' when Clifton Webb had him pinned like a butterfly…And ready to deliver to the cops as the killer…"

I nod…Excellent analogy…

"Well…It's getting late…There's not much we can do now and you'd probably do best to get some sleep…I'll set you up on the couch…"

Hmmn…

"Couch?..."

"Believe me, Sheldon…It's better than my bed…" sigh…

Hmmn…Given that his financial circumstances force him to live in his shop I would have to agree…

"Very well…But equally important…" I note… "I have to get word to Amy that Charlotte is scheming against her and that I am true to her without hesitation…I can't leave her suffering like this…"

"True…" Stuart, sighing… "She sounded pretty bad when she called…"

"There must be a way…If I could just get word to her without alerting Charlotte…But I'm sure Charlotte is watching her every move, like a hawk…And the others are no help…Except for Penny…Who is seeking confirmation of my story…In her limited way…They're all taken in…"

"Penny?..." Stuart, thoughtful… "So we do have an inside man…Woman…"

"You have a proposal?..."

"Something is occurring to me…But I need to flesh it out…How's about we consult the reference material?...One film in particular, I think…"

Hmmn…?

"Ever seen 'The Third Man'?..." Stuart, shrewd look…

Meanwhile at the hotel, true to expected form, Charlotte had found a way to keep Leonard handy as an instrument both of amusement and Penny-torment without showing her hand…

Though for Charlotte, torment is amusement…

Merely a reflection on the fact that it was indeed very late…Very rainy…Leonard seemed very tired…

Poor lamb…

Though Charlotte I believe made use of "tres" several times in place of "very"…

The French are like that…Even the naturalized ones…

And the clever clincher being it would be a shame not to have someone by with a car should any word of my existence pop up overnight…

Naturally my thoughtful Amy was quickly moved by the portrait of poor very tired Leonard, driving through very rainy streets at a tres late hour to suggest he stay in the suite's living room on a roll-away bed that could be summed from the hotel staff…

Naturally I suspect it was the hope she might have reason to wake him at some tres ungodly hour to chase me down on the slightest rumor of my presence on the street that clinched it for her…

She loves me…I like that…

(By the way…I do not do roll-away beds…For future reference…)

"Ok…" Penny glanced at her temporary roomies…Amy, still in her witch costume, looking forelorn and rather like the girl dragon in the original "Shrek" after Donkey had left her at the castle keep… (That was sad…In case you're unfamiliar with the original "Shrek"…), Charlotte, in elegant bedgown, rather enjoying her first slumber party in 21 years…Particularly since no one was trying to use her for a human piñata and her sister was clearly suffering agonies over her missing fiancée , Bernadette in hotel robe and…

(Children out again, please…I'll wait…Thank you…)

…Her unmentionables…A bit downcast over her friend's sorrowing distress and her own relationship, currently again running sourly…

(The children…If as I said, well-behaved and quiet…May return…Though not that one in the black, he was rude…

Bazinga…I can't see them of course….Including any in black…I was just offering light humor to ease the heartgriping tension…)

…As all four sat on Charlotte's bed, margaritas in hands…

Penny, pulling at her sweatshirt under her hotel robe, trying to keep herself from asking about Charlotte's nightgown, obviously a piece from a fine Paris shop…Which a second later, naturally, she asked about…

"That's lovely, Charlotte…Something from one of those little boutique-ly things on the Champs El-I see-ay?...Tray fancy…"

(Penny, attempting to demonstrate she can master French…

Again I cannot choose the tools I must work with…)

"Oh, no…I picked it up at Walmart's coming in…" Charlotte, smiling gently… "Just a little fiddling with ribbon and lace…"

"Charlotte was always good at sewing and dressmaking…" Amy noted…Glance out window…Sigh…

My God, she's Martha Stewart as well?…Well, that fits…Penny, pasting a smile…

"Nice…" she noted, nodding…

"Yes…When we were children spending summers in Maine before she went to France, Charlotte used to make our bathing costumes…" Amy eyed Charlotte…

"Now…Amy…It was of necessity…Father refused to have a dress-maker come…And no store that carried my size would allow enough extra cloth to cover my 'Lumps…'…"

"'Lumps'?..." Penny stared…

"Oh, yes…Amy, do you have the photo from that last summer before I went to France you used to carry around?..."

"Right here…" Amy reached in the folds of her gown and pulled out a wallet…Which she opened…Pulling out a photo…Which she handed to Penny who blanched…Bernadette repressing a terrified gasp...

"Oh my God!...I mean, how sweet…You and Amy…There's your not so little arm around her neck…"

"That's a 'lump'…" Charlotte noted… "I was leaning my head on her shoulder…I couldn't raise it up straight and it got tiring after a bit…Fortunately the 'lumps' were all benign.."

"Right…" Penny nodded…Hastily handing photo back…

"We grew very attached to them...Remember 'Mr. Fuggles', Amy?..."

"How could I forget...?" Amy, faint smile... "We had him to tea every afternoon..."

"You named your...'Lumps'...?" Bernadette asked... "And had them...To tea?..."

"Only the ones large enough to stand alone..." Charlotte noted...

"Right..." Penny, blinking..She and Bernadette struggling not to gag... "Well...Not wanting to interrupt a nice walk down memory lane..."

"So…Shall we tear Sheldon to pieces in effigy and then spend all night denouncing his lack of upper body strength…Spastic inability to walk, run, or swim well?..." Bernadette's eager voice…

"Right after we finish with your dwarfish, horny little pervert!..." reddenning Amy hollered, suddenly…Startling the others…

She sighed, calming…

"Sorry, Bernie…I understand you were indulging in a Sheldoneque bazinga to cheer me…" she apologized to the stricken Bernadette… "I'm not my perky, up-beat self tonight…But I must defend my future, hopefully, spouse, even if he's fled our coop, so to speak…He runs very well…And you know he is the only male in our circle who can dance well…Which belies your claims regarding spastic inability…"

(As I said…She loves me…And I like that…)

"Yes…That was a bit harsh on poor Sheldon, Bernadette…" Charlotte noted, patting Amy's shoulder… "Given we don't know what or who caused his sudden departure…Apart from his strange neuroses…And the understandable fear the reality of the approaching nuptials would cause…"

"Could we perhaps find another subject than Sheldon or our wedding for the moment…?" Amy asked, a bit tersely…

"Oh, certainly…" Charlotte… "Is Maman coming for the party?..."

"She said she'd try…" Amy sighed… "She will be here for the wedding, unfortunately…"

"That's a pity…Though I'm naturally eager to see her…" Charlotte…

"You don't want your mother at the wedding?..." Penny asked, startled…

"Having Mother at my wedding making Cassandra-like prophecies of doom, while criticizing every aspect of my dress, posture, the arrangements, Sheldon, my friends, my life, etc, etc….And explaining to me in private, before the ceremony, how sex is a burden to be borne, in her case not even rewarded with desirable offspring, and her various dodges for avoiding sexual congress…?" Amy eyed her…Charlotte, rolling eyes in agreement… "How could I wish to be denied that?..."

"Maman can be a bit critical…" Charlotte sighed…

"Has it been a long time since you've seen her?..." Penny asked…

"By computer, two days…In the flesh…Twenty-one years…"

"Twenty-one years?..." Penny stared…

"I was in France…And Mother was much too busy to visit during my school, surgery, rehab, and college years…Then, what with med school and my work and various things, I was too busy to visit her in America…Though I did get to see Amy a few Christmases when Mother wanted an empty house for her guests and when I've come for various conferences…"

Amy sighing…"One of the advantages of doing school in France…"


	7. Chapter 7

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…(You might care to peek at the Sheldonverse page of the Buffy Rebecca verse for more, including the Granny Mag video)

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XII…

"Perfect…" Stuart pronounced…Eyeing me carefully…

I frowning…Not only I am reasonably certain my current costume is not within a greater than 95% degree of accuracy to the desired effect, so hardly "perfect", but I am in the rain…

It's wet…I don't like being wet…Except in the shower or the bathtub…And until recently when Amy Farrah Fowler demonstrated to me that there are other uses for the shower or bathtub than solo ablutions, I didn't care much for being wet in them either…And I am getting wetter, despite the homburg hat perched on my head and the overcoat I wear…

"Are you sure this will work, Stuart?..." I express my doubt aloud… "I'll only have one chance to contact Amy…And if this fails, she'll sound the hue and cry and I could be taken…With Charlotte ready to pounce…"

"I'll be here, ready to get you out quick…" Stuart points out… "And even if Amy doesn't get it right away, she'd have to wonder why you tried to reach her like this…It would sink in…But it won't have to, she loves the film, she'll get the message…"

"Well…She has expressed a fondness for Mr. Welles' performance and the film itself…", I note cautiously… "But what if Charlotte catches me?..."

"We'll vamoose before she can call up the hounds and try again later…Though, Sheldon…I gotta ask you…Why can't you just tell Amy?...I know you say you're afraid she might have doubts once Charlotte makes her claims…"

"Charlotte isn't planning to claim I made eyes at her, you know…" I frown… "She's threatened to tell Amy I made advances…And she did acquire DNA samples when she grabbed me…And especially when she French-kissed me…"

My uvula and my elbow still hurt by the way…

Hmmn…Stuart frowning…

"Can we decide to do this or no?…" I ask… "You may be fine in the car but my risk of catching cold is rising exponentially…"

"Sheldon, is there anything else?..." he eyes me…The wisdom supplied by total immersion in comic books and film boring into me… "I've been willing to take what you've said about Charlotte on faith but…Is there some reason Amy might believe Charlotte?..."

"No…" carefully… "Of course not…" He, frowning at me…

Amy Farrah Fowler's beautiful large brown eyes staring into mine, tears accentuating their beauty…Amy's pleading, trusting voice… "You didn't have any response to Charlotte's incredible beauty and sensuality, right…Sheldon?...Not even a physiological increase in blood pressure or pulse?...Not the slightest…?"

"All right!..." I scream…Stuart jumping back in the car seat…

"Sheldon?..."

"I was attracted… She's attractive…Oh, Lord…Amy, forgive me!..." I howl… "But it was only the Fowler in her that made my engine one that could've…And I never responded fully!..Not past second gear…Oh, Amy, I swear…!"

"Sheldon…"

"Oh, Meemaw…Don't let me fail her…I love you, Amy Farrah Fowler!...Forgive me…!"

"Sheldon, if you keep this up, we will be caught…Quiet down!..." Stuart, hissing…Pulling me back into the car, reaching over to and slamming my door behind me…

I sigh…The truth out at last…And the truth shall make you free, so Meemaw said when she knew I'd lied about stealing a cookie and I was sad about it…

It did…And does…

"Sheldon…It's only natural…" Stuart, shrugging…"And I gotta say an amazing proof that you're actually human, by the way…That when a beautiful girl who's as pretty as Amy with a little extra packaging…Equipped with a little 'French razzle-dazzle'…Throws herself at you, you respond a little…"

"But I failed Amy Farrah Fowler, Stuart…How can I face her knowing I've had…Feelings…For another woman…Her mortal enemy, and even if she won't admit that, her sister…?"

"Amy might be hurt…I can't deny that…" Stuart, eyeing me…"But you didn't wind up doing anything besides getting a little excited, right?..."

I nod…Sighing…

"So…That's just normal…And Charlotte counted on that to undermine you, I'm sure…But it doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong…You haven't betrayed Amy, Sheldon…God, she loves Johnny Depp, you know…Gets off on him all the…"

Catching my furious stare…

"Never mentioned that to you, did she?..." Ummn…

"No…" I, tersely… "And where does this 'Johnny Depp' reside, perchance?..."

"Sheldon, he's a film actor…Jack Sparrow, 'Pirates of the Caribbean'…?"

"Oh, that…I never watched those films…Historically inaccurate to put it mildly…"

"You watch sci-fi and fantasy all the time…Not to mention…" he gestured to indicate his shop of delightful wares…

"But those either haven't had a chance to happen yet or could be happening in parts of the multiverse…No confederacy of pirates ever battled the East India Company and an octopus-faced Captain Davy Jones…"

"But they could in some part of the multiverse…" Stuart, shrewdly…

"And I could hunt down and flay this 'Depp' fellow alive in several…Given that, I'll consider it, Stuart…"

The heck I will…Merely a temporary concession to please my ally…

Some historical standards must be maintained…As for this 'Depp' character, let him be on his guard, he has made my enemies list…

"And it's only human…That's all I'm saying…" Stuart, shaking head… "It's nothing to do with your feelings for Amy or your lives together unless you let Charlotte convince you that it is…And to be honest, I believe you about Charlotte…In fact I did a little checking while you were fussing over which hat and overcoat in my collection were closest to Mr. Welles' and least objectionable to you…She really does have a past…"

"Of course…Amy told me so…" Hmmn…Hard evidence… "Stuart, what do you have?…And is it anything I could use?..."

"Nothing recent…But there is a pattern, as you've said…" Stuart, shaking head… "Here…" he offered me a printout…

Hmmn….

"It says…"

"I read French, Stuart…It's a headline and story about a principal of a girls' school…"

"Not just any girls' school…" Stuart, eyeing me…

"Oh…Monsieur Herrot, eh?..." I nod… "Amy mentioned him…"

"Arrested on suspicion of molesting schoolgirls after a sterling career…" Stuart noting… "Yet all the girls but one recanted at the trial…And blamed that one girl, the most popular in school, for instigating things…Though she provided pretty convincing evidence of some sort of sexual union…He was acquitted but never able to hold a position like that again...Ended up a suicide…Then there were the three professors at her college…And two deans at her medical school…And a famous industrialist and some actor twins who shot each other over her…And those were just the most prominent…Yet each time she escaped serious suspicion…"

"Except by Amy…" I correct… "Though it was only after that one fellow, the doctor who'd operated on Charlotte who came to see their mother and threaten a lawsuit using videos his surveillance system had made, that her suspicions were raised enough to confront Charlotte during a Christmas visit to her in France…"

"Videos?...Of…" Stuart, staring..

(Children, leave…)

I stare back…

"Whoa…" Stuart, nodding…

"And she denied it?..."

"Au contraire, mon ami…" I, shaking head…Grabbing at homburg hat slipping… "She was delighted to confess to that one and tell Amy about others…Urging her to provide cheers for the revenge she was taking on all those who'd treated her so badly as a child and now that she'd acquired some outer grace, were falling all over her, doting on her…She wanted Amy to join her in her Evil quest…Even offered the services of several doctors in her thrall to 'improve' on her appearance…As if Amy Farrah Fowler could be improved upon…But when Amy refused…She accused her of betraying her and being 'like all the others'…Blamed her for her being sent away as a child…And vowed vengeance on her… "

Stuart, thoughtful…Impressed… "You've hooked yourself up with an Irrawaddy cobra, Cooper…"

"Hmmn?..."

"From 'Double Indemnity', Edward G. Robinson as 'Keyes' to Fred MacMurray 'Walter Neff'…About Barbara Stanwyck…I'd say Charlotte fits the bill…"

"Ah…"

(Children, you may return…)

"But the question is…Why would Amy trust her now?..."

"It's been a few years since any new scandals leaked out in public, though Amy had heard the occasional rumor of Charlotte's exploits…Charlotte's gotten famous as a wonderful healer and her rather charming if dumbed-down books ooze a feely, touchy warmth about her work as a pediatric neurologist…And she'd claimed it was understandable childish nonsense and has professed her love for Amy for years…Most of all, Amy wants her sister back…The sweet one from before she was bundled off to France by their father and everything changed after the said doctor there did his experimental surgery…"

"Excuse me?..." Stuart…

"Plastic surgery…He'd seen Charlotte at her school and thought it would make his career, if she lived…Amy said…Though he cast himself in public as a sort of Louis Pasteur, rescuing this poor child from her congenital fate…He exploited her shamelessly and Amy thinks Charlotte saw him as a father-figure until she realized he was just using her…Then she destroyed him as her first victim, despite his aforementioned efforts to counter her…Fellow couldn't resist her in the end…She got the video evidence destroyed and he got a one-way ticket to Devil's Island…"

"Yikes…"

"I think it was more 'My God, you can't show these to my wife and the police…Die, bitch, die!'…Bang, bang… Unfortunately, it seems she'd arranged for the gun to backfire…Make that a one-eyed, one-armed one way ticket to Devil's Island…"

"Barbara Stanwyck, no question…" Stuart shook head… "But how was this monster created?...I mean, she had surgery, became beautiful and a great doctor…How did that…?"

"She feels betrayed by Mankind…And Womankind…She never wanted to leave home or Amy…She begged to stay, at least with their grandmother in Maine, the only place the girls felt loved…Their own mother didn't object to (and her father couldn't wait to do so) sending her away to France to a Dickensian girls' school for the least wanted/most disposable or to Charlotte becoming a guinea pig/one-girl Dionne quintet sideshow for 'Dr. Pasteur'…And then everyone treated her differently after the surgeries…They all suddenly found her so lovable, beautiful…The same adults who'd never had a good or kind word before for her…The boys who'd run from her and thrown rocks now all wanted to carry her books and carry on with her, whatever she demanded of them…The girls all wanted to be with their famous classmate…None really cared to know about her or were true friends…Even her mother was now willing to resume contact, though mainly it seems, to use her as decoration at parties…Which Charlotte has successfully dodged all these years…

And as a result, Charlotte's view of this world and the people in it darkened considerably…Though she's become skilled at concealing her true feelings…" I conclude…

Stuart shaking head…

"Thus we return to our more familiar plane of reference, my world…" he nods… "It sounds like the classic creation of a twisted supervillain…"

"And I suppose…" sigh on my part…Guilt must be purged… "I've not helped by letting her sense my interest…"

"Only human, Sheldon, if it didn't go beyond that…"

"Hey!..."

"Just want to be sure…I hafta know everything if I'm gonna help you…And knowing how much Charlotte got to you is part of 'everything'…"

"She didn't 'get' to me…Much…" frown…

"Ok, then…Now, Sheldon…Understand that I have to ask these questions…Do you love Amy?..."

"Of course…"

"Do you want to be with her…For keeps?...Seeing as it's very unlikely either of you will have the chance to mate again in this life…"

I avoid pointing out I now have such an additional chance…But that will never happen, so…

"Yes…"

"Then, trust the feeling…Charlotte can't touch that, however Evilly good she may be…" Stuart, pointing… "Go, make contact, Harry Lime…I'll send my text in exactly one minute…" beaming at me in my outfit…

What, through that mud field?...I stare…

Well, it does put to rest any lingering doubts as to my devotion…As I step out again and trudge…Stuart watching from the car…

My feet are wet…I suspect this scene will end up not one from "The Third Man" but "Camille"…Multi-drug-resistant TB being rampant these days…

Lightning flash….More rain…

Sigh…Still, my treasured acquaintance's on-again, off-again partner Bernadette would note such a form of penitence following my late confession would pretty much do it were I a Catholic…

That which has made them sleepy, hath made her bold…Penny and Bernadette now out cold on the bed with Amy…Charlotte awake, in a large chair eyeing them…

Americans…No head for liquor…If you can call this "margarita" stuff, liquor…

"Girls…?" ethereally gentle whisper…

All the children sleep in their beds…And we…Herself and her temporary, fill-in, prey can talk…Continuing her campaign regarding the unfitness of one Sheldon Cooper as matrimonial material…

Said prey, one Hofstadter, currently in the living room just outside, asleep on roll-away bed…

Only natural she'd seek to see if he might still be awake…To continue discussing her concerns about her odd duck of a potential brother-in-law…

And if through some mischance she should stumble onto said roll-away bed and through undeniable physical attraction they become accidently entwined in the blissful agony of coitus…To be found the next morning…Preferably by Penny, but anyone of the girls would do…

Hey, these things happen…Especially around Charlotte Magdalena Fowler…

In fact she and some of France's first families could testify that these things happen a lot…Sometimes multiple times…And places…In one night…

Guess perhaps it should have been Charlotte Messalina Fowler, if I may indulge in a witticism…

She threaded her way cautiously…And was out in the living room in seconds…Taking a seat on the couch across from Leonard…Turning a small, portable reading lamp on…

No need to be particularly aggressive…Just out here, reading her medical journal, not wishing to disturb anyone…

Snore from the said Hofstadter…

Well, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to speed this along…She dropped her journal against the coffee table, loud smack…

Snore…Louder…

Fine…Frown…

Time to bring out the heavy guns…

She burst into sobs…Just loud enough without threat of waking those in the bedroom…Pitched to just the right frequency to most disturb the male of the species…

These things must be done delicately…Or you hurt the spell…

Leonard, groaning, tossing…Popping one eye after the other open…

"Charlotte?..."

"Oh…Leonard…So sorry to wake you, I was just reading...I couldn't sleep…" slight fumble at robe…

"No, it's ok…" he sat up… "It's fine…Is Amy sleeping?..."

"Finally, yes…Poor thing…" frown… "I can't believe Sheldon would do this to her…"

"Well, Sheldon…Is Sheldon…Amy's gonna have to get used to it, if she wants to marry him…" Leonard sighed… "I've thought about what you told me tonight…Last night, I mean…" he eyed a clock radio on the desk in the room ruefully…

"It's not important…" she waved a hand… "Perhaps given my rather sheltered upbringing, I simply mistook what passes for normal in relations between men and women in the world beyond my own…I can let it pass and forget all about it…Both times…But this I can't let pass…Not this insult to my sister…" Hard stare…

"Yeah, but I'm still a little concerned about what you said…" he began…

"Leonard…My sister means everything to me…" Charlotte, cutting him off… "We must protect her from making a grave mistake…And if all that's happened is typical of Sheldon's behavior…"

"See, that's the point, I…"

"It's clear it all trends in one direction…The man does not wish to marry Amy…He's simply led her on…And now he's willing to do anything to escape his promises…"

"Well…Sheldon might be scared…But he's not a man to break his promises…And getting back to what you said about…"

"How can you say that?...Look at what he's done!…" Charlotte, tears running delicately now… "Oh, Leonard, I'd thought you were a man whom a woman could trust in…I…"

"Of course you can 'trust' me, Charlotte…But…"

"Can I?..." she had risen and moved to him… "I want to…" she sat on his bed…

"I feel so close to you, Leonard…" she noted…

"Well…You kinda…Are, Charlotte…" he gurgled a bit…

"Do I make you nervous, Leonard?..." she leaned back a bit… "I'm sorry if I do…"

"Oh…No…" he wheezed a bit…

Hofstadter gets asthmatic when overwhelmed by a female presence…I don't know if it was an evolutionary development…The doomed beta male gasping for breath catches the sympathy of one of the less sexually fulfilled females and while the alpha male is off at the watering hole relating his latest exploits with the ladies or on hunt, he manages to ensure his genes are passed on…

"I usually feel so nervous myself about men…I'm terrible at dealing with them…Like my sister…We're peas in a pod, really…As I'm sure you've noticed…" Charlotte, winsome smile into Leonard's nervous face…Brushing stray, wind-blown style hair back…

"Oh, yeah…" Leonard, catching breath…

"Anyway, about what you said…"

"Oh, Leonard…" she burst into full-force sobbing, dropping her head onto his shoulder, putting arm around him…Pulling him strongly against her thin, sensuous frame… "What am I to do?...How can I let poor Amy make this terrible, terrible mistake?..Leonard?..."

"Uhh.."

"You have beautiful eyes…"

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XIII…

I trudge through the muddiness darkness of the field around the Marriott Hotel where my beloved, Amy Farrah Fowler sleeps in the web of her sister's making…Stuart awaiting me in his car in the far parking lot, out of sight of the room taken by said sister, Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, on her visit to ostensibly share in the joyous news of her sister's engagement…All four female members of our little posse spending the night under Charlotte's wakeful and fiendishly watchful eye, along with my roommate Leonard, currently ensnared in her lethal sexual cluthes…

Typical…While I perform the heroics, Hofstadter gets it on…But it is clearly my burden in life to carry it for others…

But while I had surmised Charlotte would be putting moves on Leonard, I clearly could not be sure such would be the case…And could not be sure that if even she were alone, my beloved Amy would be awake or awaken to receive Stuart's text message, cleverly formulated to seem innocuous should Charlotte be on guard by her, ready to intercept and distort any attempt at contact by me…

And even if she did receive the message and was able to act, would she understand it?...And be ready to make contact…?

I am not a man of faith by nature…Apart from unquestioning faith and trust in the love of grandmothers…But now I must put my scientific skepticism slightly aside and trust in the love that binds me to Amy Farrah Fowler…

Slightly…After all there is a logic to the idea that a film buff and lover of such a classic film as "The Third Man" would interpret Stuart Bloom's message correctly…And Amy is suspicious of Charlotte's motives in coming, much as she wants to believe in her sister's love for her…

Almost in position…There, that should be the balcony…Oh, Lord!...That lightning bolt could've fried every cat on the roof from here to Christmas!...And I would be the tallest thing in an empty, muddy field…

All right, this is for love, I can do this, just give her a few seconds more…Resume position…There…

(Children, out…)

"There…" Charlotte moaned… "Oh, yeasss, Leonard…!...Yes, yes!..."

Lord, another one!...Even closer…I tell you, this homburg on my head is like a Franklin rod, just pulling those bolts right down on me…

"Wee, ha, ha, hah, ha…" to the accompaniment of an enormous thunder… "Oh, lightning flash and thunder roar!...Ah, ha, ha, ha, hah…"

"Charlotte?...Did you just cackle?..." Leonard, staring…

"What, dearest?...Oh, I always do that…On the few times I've ever had sex…It's a Fowler trait…You were wonderful by the way…" she beamed… "And what a perfect night…"

Flash!...I jump…Oh, my resolve is weakening…Stuart must've sent that text by now and either Amy is unheeding or unable…Or, unwilling…

"Quick !...Before the crash!...One…More…Time!..." Charlotte, grabbing Leonard… "Arggh, Charlotte!..."

"Ahhhh, ha, ha, ha, ha, hah!..."

By the way, I can attest to it's being a Fowler trait…(Get those children out of here!...)…Though Amy's is a melodious fluid twitter of a climatic cackle…

But, even as the Wicked Witch of the East consummates her fiendish act of betrayal…

Amy…I stare at the figure peering out the balcony…

And there, in the harsh, momentary flash of lightning, in overcoat and the homburg hat Stuart insisted I wear…A near perfect match to that Orson Welles wore in "The Third Man"…Stand I, Sheldon Cooper, her beloved…Like some miraculous vision…Faint smile on my lips, finger raised in caution…

She locks eyes with me…Our souls exchanging data in a continuous feed…Her lips parting in wonder…

She has such nice lips, Amy Farrah Fowler…

And as suddenly, connection was severed and I was…OW!...

It was dark…I stepped on something…But I managed to slip away before she could call to me, hobbling into the blackness…

I knew I should have added boots to my emergency supplies at the apartment…That will be rectified…

All I could do now was hope Stuart's insistence that Amy would get the message, keep my secret, and be on guard, was justified…

She is very perceptive…

Stuart was waiting in his car and I reported on the success of my mission…We watched from the darkness of the hotel parking lot to see if any hue and cry were raised…

Nothing…

"She's got it…" Stuart, nodding sagely… "I knew if I texted 'Got new copy of 'The Third Man', it'll be in the window…', she'd get it…"

Speaking of getting it…

"Charlotte?...Leonard?..." Amy had emerged from the bedroom, uncertain whether to rush after me in blissful rapture or heed my urge at caution…In any case, after such excitement…And a pitcher full of margaritas, she needed to pee…

"Ummn…Amy…Hi…" Leonard squeaked…

His natural voice following coitus interruptus…

"Amy…Anything wrong?..." Charlotte, peeking out from the rollaway bed clothes…

"Amy?..." Penny's groan from the open bedroom door…Soft thud of Penny-feet on floor…

Amy frantically rushing to close door, too late…

"Oh, God…" Penny, Leonard, eyeing each other…Charlotte, innocently warm beam…"Hello, Penny…"

Oh, yes…For Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, this be her kind of night…


	8. Chapter 8

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XIV…

While Stuart and I consulted as to the next gambit in my deadly game of chess with my fiendish future sister-in-law, my beloved was having to deal with dual shocks…First my sudden appearance and disappearance on the threshold of the hotel parking lot, dressed (eminently suitably according to my ally Stuart) as Harry Lime, the famed mysterious 'third man' of the classic film of the same title in an attempt to appeal to her love of classic cinema in an effort to discreetly alert her to the danger menacing our happiness …

Next…Finding said sister in the sack with my roommate of many years, one Leonard Hofstadter, Ph.D….

At this point I would imagine, based on my years of observation, our neighbor Penny suggesting the D standing for something else…

Poor Leonard shouldn't really be blamed, though…Charlotte having lured many a wiser, stronger, taller, more successful, and more sexually capable fellow to their destruction…And allowing for the empty desolation of his own sexual/emotional isolation, especially since his break-up with the said Penny, waitress and my current sole other ally…He'd been easy prey…

However Amy, close friend to Penny, allowed concern for her friend and a degree of annoyance to replace shock fairly quickly…

But given her fast action to try and prevent the slowly waking Penny from grasping the dire situation awaiting her in the living room of Charlotte's hotel suite, on the roll-away bed, had failed… And having already alerted Leonard to the dangers Charlotte could, or at least had in her darker past, posed, annoyance was becoming paramount…

"Charlotte…What's going on here?..." Amy asked, quietly…

"And Leonard, please stop trying to hide between the sheets and mattress…Unless you can adjust your molecular structure to flow into one or the other, it's time to face the music, buddy…" she frowned…

"Sister…I can explain…" Charlotte, calmly…

"I'm sure…And very smoothly…" Amy sighed, looking over to the forlorn Penny, standing in the doorway, staring at Charlotte peeking up from the roll-away bed covers, Leonard still instinctively attempting to conceal himself… "Penny…I'm so sorry…Leonard?..."

"Yeah…" whining sigh…

"I'm so sorry you're an idiot…"

"Yeah…" sigh…

"Leonard is innocent, sister…" Charlotte began…Sitting up…

"Probably…And by your pov, sure…" Amy nodded…Arms folded…

"Amy…" hurt tone… "Sweetheart, I was trying to help you…Things perhaps did get a bit out of hand and moved a bit faster in the natural course than perhaps we should have let them between dear Leonard and me, but I only intended to ask him to help me expose this deceit…For his sake as well as yours…"

"What…Deceit, Charlotte?..." Amy frowned…But sighing, waited…

"The little game of deceit Sheldon and Penny have been playing…On all of you…And for some time now, given what you've told me of their relationship…Oh, Penny…" Charlotte, sighing at the stunned Penny, shaking head … "And Amy thought you were her best friend…Her 'bestie', she's always telling me on the phone…When all the time you and Sheldon…Though it should have been obvious and was immediately to an outsider like me…" solemn stare…

She folded arms, tsking slightly…Leonard, Amy staring…

Snore from Bernadette inside the bedroom…

"What?...No…" Penny stared, shaking head in wonder and horror… "Amy, that's not true…"

"My would-be brother-in-law may take his fiancée for a fool but he's now dealing with two Fowler girls…And I more than a match for him…" Charlotte, coolly…

(Yes, you can be sure that was a double meaning, gentle reader…)

"I realized as soon as Penny began trying to ferret out information from me tonight and started telling me that hoohash about reuniting with Leonard to throw me off their trail, that Sheldon had contacted her with orders to help conceal him from us…As part of their little scheme…"

"Just be glad I got here in time, sister…" she patted Amy…"But you should understand I wasn't deceiving anyone…My feelings for Leonard are quite genuine, even if I did allow things to go a bit far too quickly…After all, you did testify to his being such a good man for me to get to know better…"

'Hoohash?'...Leonard, staring at her… She patted him…Dear Leonard…

Amy looking a bit sheepish now…

"What…?" Penny, gulping… "You say what?..."

And Amy?…You told Charlotte to get to know…?

God…Sheldon, I told you I didn't wanna do this 'test' of yours…Oh…

"Thanks…" Leonard, eyeing Charlotte next to him… "But you did mean to say you really were attracted…?"

Amy rolling eyes…(As do I…What is with our little Hobbit Kirk, anyway?...)

"Yes, yes…" Charlotte, impatiently… "I just went head over heels with love and lost all restraint…You're a wonderfully sweet man, just as my sister described you to me….And the sex was perfectly adequate…" she waved an airy hand…

Perfectly adequate?...He sheepishly mouthed to the world in general…

"Great…" he sighed…However, eyeing Penny cautiously as she stared at the floor…

Perfectly…She sadly thought…

Perflectly…Oh…

"This is ridiculous, Charlotte…" Amy frowned… "And please get out of that bed…You are claiming Sheldon and Penny are a couple and deliberately tried to conceal it…And that's why Sheldon fled?..."

"Amy…" Charlotte remaining in bed, narrow side look to Leonard, attempting to slidle away…Stay right where you are, fuck-buddy… "It is so obvious, I can only believe your desperate desire for happiness is once again leading you to disaster…"

"Penny?...And Sheldon?..." Leonard, chortling…Charlotte eyeing him, slight glare…

"I don't say they didn't oppose their feeling for each other for some time..."

"Feeling…?" Penny, blinking… "Me…And Sheldon?..."

"Amy?..." Charlotte turned to her… "Haven't you all been telling me how Sheldon is always turning to Penny for consolation and help when dealing with a world his maladjustments obviously make too difficult for him to deal with easily?…Isn't he always going to her apartment to discuss such matters?…What, does he get Physics assistance from her?..."

(I must admit to a heartly chortle here myself…Bazinga on Charlotte's part, well played, sis-in-law…)

"They're friends, Charlotte…Penny and I are more likely as a couple…" Amy glared…

"Darn tootin'!..." Penny, recovering from shock a bit herself…

Uhh… "I mean…"

"And Penny is my best friend…Alluring as Sheldon might be…She'd never indulge in such a betrayal…"

"Ask Penny if Sheldon didn't contact her….If she doesn't know where Sheldon is, right now…" Charlotte, firmly…Stern glance to Penny…

Snore from the open door to the bedroom from Bernadette…

"Ask her…" Charlotte repeated… "She knows…She's known all evening…"

"Oh, come on…" Leonard, shaking head… "Penny, Sheldon hasn't been speaking to you behind Amy's back, right?..."

Penny…Nervous look…

Uh…

"Why would Penny keep something like that from me, when she knows my distress?...She's my bestie…" Amy frowned… "Stop it, Charlotte…This is your old behavior pattern, just layered over with a little sisterly concern…Like when you insisted Granny's neighbor's daughter was not my friend and accused her of stealing…"

"Ask her…And Dorothy was a lying little thief…She and that little obnoxious dog of hers…" Charlotte frowned…

"Charlotte…You make me very sad…And you liked dogs when we were little, what's happened to you?..." Amy sighed…

Charlotte, coolly…"I grew up and learnt what the world is really like, Sister…Alone…But I care about you, whether you believe me or no…These 'friends' of yours are betraying you…Penny and Sheldon may not have wanted to admit their mutual passion even to themselves until they were trapped by Sheldon's proposal to you…But Penny has lied to you…And Sheldon is simply fleeing a relationship he never really wanted…You told me how long it took to get him to admit to any feeling for you, to any physical intimacy…And how jealous you were of how Penny and Sheldon seemed to bond so easily…"

"Charlotte…" Amy, hand to head…

"Amy?..." Penny stared…Leonard stared…

"You're jealous of me…And Sheldon?..."

"With excellent reason, I'd say…" Charlotte, triumphant…

"It's just…" Amy, slowly, not looking at Penny… "You and he…You always seemed to find a way to reach him…Even when I couldn't…"

"Amy…?"

"And you sang 'Soft Kitty' for him so well…He's always talking about it…But I know you never…Penny, you didn't speak to him tonight, did you?..."

"Amy…I…" Penny, hesitant… "It's just…I think he didn't have anyone else to…"

Amy staring…Tears…

Leonard, staring at her, then Penny…

"No…One…Else?..." Amy whispered…Running from the room…Gasping sobs…

"Penny…I think you should go now…" Charlotte, coldly… "And tell Sheldon I demand to see him…This game of yours has gone on long enough…Amy's been hurt enough…"

"Oh…You…!" Penny, enraged now… "You are so going down, bitch!..."

Whoa…She backed at Charlotte's vicious return stare…

"GET OUT!..." Raging hiss, claws extended… "Before I make you regret staying!..."

Leonard falling out of bed in panic…

"Not you, Leonard…" Charlotte sighed…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XV…

The situation looked grim…My beautiful if deadly nemesis and would-be, though not if she has her fiendish way, sister-in-law, Charlotte Magdelena Fowler, had brilliantly deduced that I would enroll one of my friends to assist me in my battle of wits with her…And by skillful observation, based no doubt on her admittedly excellent medical training, she'd further deduced that person could only be our neighbor Penny…

And armed with Amy's innocent observations of a certain closeness between me and said Penny, she'd concocted a vicious but seamless web of lies and half-truths to turn that innocent relationship into something vile…In fact, its threatened exposure the whole cause, by her claim, of my earlier this evening fleeing the apartment I currently share with Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, the human outside my familial relations I was closest to until my divine Amy made her appearance…

Amy now fled in tears at Penny's forced admission that she had indeed been contacted by me after my mysterious disappearance…Penny herself rather in shock over finding Charlotte had more than passed my own little suggested test of her wicked nature, namely doing the nasty with the said Dr. Hofstadter in the roll-away bed the hotel had provided for his rest in the suite's living room after Penny's hinting, at my suggestion, of her renewed interest in resuming relations with said Hofstadter…And said Penny now in forced retreat from Charlotte's raging reply to her attempt to deny the charges and fling the accusations back in Charlotte's admittedly lovely face…

That is one scary if beautiful bitch when she's in full fury…And acting or no, Charlotte was in her furious glory…An old hand at portraying the infuriated, aggrieved party or infuriated relation of aggrieved party, at a moment's notice…

Leonard, having done his usual bit to complicate matters further, busy picking himself off the floor he'd fell onto in the course of edging away from the developing catfight…

"Hey, guys!..." the finally awakened, groggy voice of my treasured acquaintance Howard's on-again, off-again girlfriend/fiancee Bernadette, stretching in the bedroom doorway…Glancing round to see Charlotte smiling at her…Hello, whoever?…Ah, Bernadette, right… "Hello, Bernadette…" …From the rollaway bed their friend/chauffeur Leonard had supposedly bedded down in…The same Leonard on floor…Penny hastening out the suite's front door…

"Penny?..."

Slam of suite door…

Hmmn…

"Is anything going on?...Have I missed something…?" Bernadette, puzzled…

"Little bit…" Leonard sighed from the floor…

Opening of suite door…Charlotte and others looking at the sheepish Penny…

"Forgot my clothes…" she noted, running into the bedroom, then back out, holding a plastic bag and immediately out the open suite door under Charlotte's baleful…Leonard's anxious…Bernadette's totally clueless, what the frack?...Stare…

Meanwhile as we proceeded back to his comic book haven, just down the street, Stuart was urging me to acquire the additional support of Howard and Raj, presumably still at the apartment Leonard and I shared…Manning the command center in case I attempted to make contact or reports on me surfaced…I.e., playing video games on our system until dawn or their brains were cooked to pastey mush…

I was doubtful…Additional allies meaning additional vulnerabilities…Especially if male, given Charlotte…

And Howard and Raj likely to be liabilities under any circumstances…

However, they did possess two sterling qualifications as a result of educational, mental, and physical factors…They had a good understanding of any physical component, particularly electronic, support I might need…And they were currently out of Charlotte's physical grasp…

"If you're gonna get solid goods on Charlotte, you gonna need equipment and probably back-up…" Stuart noted… "And while I'll do all I can, I don't have the equipment…"

Hmmn…True enough…

"You'll have to make contact, though…" I noted… "I can't risk Charlotte's deducing I'd be headed back there…A logical choice, after all…And having them primed to call her at any word from me…Or even her lying in wait for me there…"

He gave me a skeptical look… "Me?...What do I tell them?..."

"I can supply you with a list of my needs…Now, lets see…We'll need high resolution cameras, with night filming capability…High definition audio…"

"Sheldon, she won't walk into a studio to be recorded…Keep it simple and small, compadre…The smaller the better…In fact…" he considered… "I think a quick survey of my collection of police and espionage flicks might be in order…What we need here is a personal surveillance system…In short, a wire…"

"A wire?...As in someone wearing…?" I eyed his stare… "Oh, no…"

"Sheldon, the woman wants you…You're the prize of prizes, as you put it…So, we give the lady from Paris what she wants and record the byplay…"

Lord…My uvula is hurting again…

A fuming Penny in the hotel parking lot, carrying plastic bag of dirty clothes, was pondering her options…Cab, bus, or call that idiot Sheldon who got me into this?...

Of course what I should do is call that asshole Leonard…

Perfectly, eh?...Right…Since when, buddy…

Oh…She teared up…Leonard, how could you?...Jesus, she's Amy's sister and clearly Evil incarnate…

Hmmn… "Incarnate"?...Not bad…Faint smile to lips…

Shake of head…Frown…

Oh, I do spend too much time with Sheldon…

Her phone buzzed…

"Yeah…Penny…Say, could you speak up a little?..."

"Penny, it's Amy…Farrah Fowler…"

"Amy?..."

"Shhh…Have you escaped the lair of Evil yet?...Hang up and say it was a wrong number if no…"

"Charlotte chased me out, I'm outside…"

"Good…Listen…I can't talk for more than a few seconds…I can't risk Charlotte having a way to monitor my calls…Meet me at the corner of Seventh and Fugler St…A McDonald's…Within twenty minutes…"

"Make it forty…I don't have my car…But, Amy…"

"Forty…Must go…Thanks, bestie…"

Hmmn…McDonald's…Excellent choice, Charlotte sure would never think to look for Amy there…

Still "Bestie", eh?...Smile…

You are going down, bitch sister…

God, who'd've ever thought I'd be grateful to know Amy Farrah Fowler was still my best friend?...She thought in wonder…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XVI…

"When the shark bites, with her teeth dear…Crimson billows, start to spread…Now, MacHeath has…Got a knife, dear…And he keeps it out of sight…"

Leonard, dressed and pacing, listening from living room of Charlotte's suite…Bernadette seated, eyeing him a bit sternly…

"What?..." he stares back…

"Amy's sister?..." Bernadette frowns, voice at whisper… "What is it with you, anyway?..."

"See the shark how…Red her fins are…As she slashes…At her prey…Now Charlotte wears white kid gloves, dear…And there's not a…Speck of red…" gentle hum…

Mutual stare…Leonard, Bernadette…Both glancing to the bathroom door…

"The Threepenny Opera…" Leonard notes, nodding… "She likes music…"

"I know what it is…And Mack the Knife sounds about right…" Bernadette, grimly…

"All ready…" Charlotte's gentle call… "Bernadette, the bathroom's yours…" she emerged, looking fresh as if last night's…Or rather, this very early morning's …Turmoil had never occurred…In light dress…

"Thanks…" Bernadette nodded, a bit curtly…Her look turning to deep frown as Charlotte came to Leonard and kissed him softly on the lips, arm round his neck…Looking up to Bernadette with smile, who'd pasted a noncommittal look…

"I'll try Amy again, but if I can't reach her, soon as you're ready, we'll all go down to breakfast and decide what's to be done…"

"Great…" Bernadette nodded, turning for the bathroom…

"I'm so sorry things turned out so badly…But I'm sure we'll straighten it all out today…" Charlotte cooed…

"Right…" terse return from the bathroom…Door slam…

"She seems a bit upset…But I understand…" Charlotte, to Leonard…

"Yeah…It's been a pretty wild night…" Leonard noted…Stepping back a bit… "Charlotte?...We should talk…"

"Yes, darling…" she smiled eagerly at him… "I know things were moving very quickly last night…And if I lost my temper at Penny, I'm terribly sorry…I was upset for my sister…"

"You accused her of stealing Sheldon and lying to Amy…" he noted frowning…

"Amy seemed to agree there were grounds for suspicion…" she noted, a bit coolly…

"Amy ran off…We don't know what she's thinking…"

"Leonard…I've apologized…But remember, my primary duty is to my sister, not to your friends…If I've jumped the gun so to speak on things out of concern for Amy, I'll fully apologize….But you must agree Sheldon and Penny were deceiving us for a reason…"

"Maybe…I don't know…" he sighed…

"We'll sort it out as soon as we find Amy and her wayward fiancée…Now, as to us…" she eyed him… "If I let things move a bit quickly, if you feel pressured…"

"Well, maybe a little…I mean things were moving fast…" he noted… "No offense…"

She sat down in an armchair, suddenly downcast… "I always do this…" sigh… "I fall in love too easily when I think I've found a good man and I end up rushing…It's only because you're so wonderful, Leonard…Just as Amy's told me…"

"And it was such a perfect night for romance…" she concluded…Winsome sigh…

It was?...He thought…

"Amy said I'm wonderful?..." he stared… "I kinda thought she didn't have much use for me…Except at the wedding I took her to she did seem to have a nice time with me…And last night she said I was considerate…"

"She did say you were a bit unfocused and overeager to please any woman willing to 'link up'…" Charlotte noted, with gentle smile… "But otherwise, wonderful…"

"Really?...She said that?..."

"Lets go…" Bernadette, standing in the living doorway, grim…

If I gotta listen to one more minute of this…

"That was admirably fast…" Charlotte smiled…

"I'm quick when friends are missing and I'm hungry…" Bernadette, grimly…Heading for door..

"'By the Thames'… Turbid waters…Men abruptly…Tumble down…Is it plague?... or…Is it cholera?...Or a sign, MacHeath's in town?'…Hmmn..Hmmn…Hmmmmn…Hmmn…Hmmn…Mmn…I do so love Kurt Weill, don't you?..." Charlotte beamed at Leonard…Smile to Bernadette…

More like "Magdalena's in town"…Bernadette thought, grimly…

McDonald's…

Penny sipping at hot chocolate…Or whatever that abominable concoction in styrofoam was…

"And I 'm glad you're not really jealous of me and Sheldon…" she smiled at Amy sitting across from her, milk in hand… "'Cause, you know there's…"

"I am jealous…" Amy, calmly, cutting in… "That's why I had to leave…My tears were quite real…Charlotte had, as always, found my sore spot…I'm not a saint, Penny…I've been bitterly jealous of you at times…" she eyed Penny…

"Amy…?" Slightly dumbstruck…

"But Sheldon's my boyfriend and asked me to marry him…So, however strong and whatever the extent of his feeling for you…I win…" quick smile…Pat of Penny's hand…

"I'm sorry…I never thought…" Penny began… "I guess I should've…"

"No, it's my fault…I should have aired this long ago…And I am glad you are friends with Sheldon…Lord knows he needs all he can get…And you did bring him out of his shell a little, to my eventual benefit…So, I should simply be grateful…But, I'm only human, Penny…And I'm a little jealous of Leonard Hofstadter as well…I'd've liked to have been the first person outside his mother and Meemaw he was close to…The first besides them to sing 'Soft Kitty' for him when he was sick…First female, I mean…Given I don't really mind that Leonard's sung it to him many times…And under duress…"

"I understand…" Penny smiled…

"And do you mind?...Just this once, never again…Before we move along…If I ask?..."

"Sure…"

"Have you ever had feelings for Sheldon?...You know what I mean…" intense stare… "Sorry…But I have to know…"

"Amy, you're my best friend…" Penny, pausing… "Incredible to both of us as that's gotta sound, admit it…" grin… "And this once, never again…Because I want to be honest with my bestie…"

Pause…

"Yes, I've thought about Sheldon…When he took care of me after I hurt my shoulder… When I took care of him when he was sick…If he'd made a move or been the type….And maybe, at other times, when he acted the way you and I love to see him act…You know what I mean… When he's the Sheldon his Meemaw loved…" smile… "I could have had feelings for him, you bet…But, he wasn't interested and there was someone else, for me, and now, for him…And it's clear to me he's been waiting for you all his life…So, yeah…" sigh…

"You wn…"

"Thank you…"Amy nodded… "I accept the palm of victory…"

Smile…

"Now as to our real problem…"

"I'm sure Sheldon…" Penny began…

"Sheldon's not the problem…" Amy frowned… "Though I could kick his keyster into next week for worrying me…I know things are all right there, for now…Though I need to find out exactly what's up from you, at least to the extent you know…It's Leonard we have to worry about…"

"Leonard…?"

"My sister the Snow Queen has her hooks in him…" Amy shook her head… "And we have to save him…For your sake if not for his…"

(Yes, gentle reader, I am properly appreciative…)

"Charlotte…Oh… Leonard's a big boy, Amy…" slight downcast look… "Maybe a little of an idiot to let Charlotte…"

"And it's partly my fault…" Amy noted… "Sorry…My sister no doubt was attracted by my occasional mention of him as the second dearest, and most considerate human being on the planet…"

"Amy?..."

"I've already told you…He don't do it for me, bestie…But he is good basic material…Though if I may speak feelly?..."

"Sure…"

"You're a bigger idiot than he iis… And you're right, he's a perfect right to be interested in Charlotte…And God knows he would be the best thing to ever happen to my poor twisted sister if she could appreciate him…" she eyed Penny carefully…

"Amy?..."

"Penny, you have to make up your mind…You can't keep treating Leonard like this…Either he's worth fighting for to you or let him go and be as happy as he can…If I say he's an idiot, it's partly for letting you treat him the way you do…"

"Me?...Treat Leonard?..."

"Like his role in life is to be your comfort pillow and doormat when life gets rough for you…And he's a fool to keep hoping that will change if you don't wish it to change…Do you?..."

"I don't…I haven't…"

"Penny…To be frank, my sister is kinder than you for all her cruelty…At least she's quick and clean when she's done with her prey…They may be insane, imprisoned, ruined, or dead, but at least it's over…You keep Leonard hanging on, if I may borrow an analogy from Diana Ross and the Supremes…" careful stare…

Penny, blinking…

"Excuse me?..."

Amy frowned…

"'I can't say I love you, so lets break up'?...'Leonard is a great guy, I shouldn't've dumped him…'…'What about Priya?...Is he seriously thinking of leaving …us…?'….Girl, make up your mind and fight for the horny little Hobbit if you want him…"

"Bestie, this is approaching the line…"

"Bestie…Screw "the line"…And give the man you love a reason for abandoning my sister's incredible circus of delights…I say that to you as your bestie…"

Penny, frowning, then…

Sobs…

"Penny…" Amy , sighing… "I'll do anything I can to wrench him loose from Charlotte if you want him…And I have my ways, with my sister…But I won't lift a finger except to warn him to be careful and to try and get Charlotte to see what happiness she still could have with him unless you tell me you are ready to try and make a commitment here…The man, with all his faults, loves you and has since he met you…He doesn't deserve to be kicked around any more…"

"I…Don't know…Amy, we've had a lot of ups and downs…He's great but…"

"So…Problems…Which are made to be solved…What are they, in order of importance?..." Amy, pulling out pad and pen…

"Amy…You can't resolve things like this on a checklist…" pause, careful eyeing…

"Can you?..."

"It works very well for Sheldon and me…We routinely compile a list of our grievances and concerns and go through them minutely…I recommend at least a monthly review…Anyway, most serious problem?..."

"I don't know…He's smarter than me and he knows it, I guess…"

"Intellectual arrogance…Surprising from Leonard Hofstadter, as my Sheldon would say…" Amy nodded, writing…

"What's that supposed to mean?..." Penny, glaring a bit… "You know, I'm a little tired of Sheldon's constant belittling of Leonard and his work…Leonard's a brilliant guy who actually does things to prove his theories…And he's always modest about it…"

"So…Scratch arrogance…" Amy smiled… "Too bad, I sure know how to deal with that…"

"Well…Maybe it's more me thinking I'm not as smart as he is…" Penny sighed… "But he's always got to have the last word…"

"Considering his mother , siblings, and Sheldon…Rather understandable…" Amy noted…Eyeing her…

"Yeah, I guess there's a good explanation…But it's not fair for him to turn around and do it to me…"

"It's insecurity…All he has is his intellect, he thinks…If he lets you trump that, what's he got to impress you with…?"

"What?...He doesn't have to impress me…"

"After the endless jock parade through your apartment?..." Amy, leaning back…Shrewd cock of head…

"Hey!..."

"Why do you think he let you hang around after Prya showed?…I mean to the extent he did, which lets face it, was way beyond the call of friendship duty…He was countering your jock boys…And rather well, considering Prya's combination of beauty and brains…"

"He did kinda wave her in my face…But it was serious, you know…"

"How could it not be?…Except for the fact he didn't love her like he does you, she was perfect in almost every way…You were very lucky Prya's a bigger fool and a coward than either of you…So, we've almost eliminated this one…You just have to tell Leonard he doesn't need to impress you, you're already impressed for life…What next?..."

"Well…"

"As Charlotte would say in her naturalized tongue…Vite, vite…I still have a panicky fiancée to hook with and a wicked sister to defeat…We'll need to get over to Sheldon's place asap once we're done…"

Apartment shared by myself and Leonard Hofstadter…Where as expected Howard and Raj lay sprawled on sofa…Wisely avoiding my spot…After a long night of video game debauchery…

My ally awakes them with the doorbell buzzer… Howard groggily stumbling over to the door...

"Stuart?..."

"Hey, Howard…Just wanted to see how things were going for the engagement party tonight…I've got the costumes in…"

As per our careful rehearsal in the wee hours, he is calm, a bit guarded… Scans for any unwanted extra guests, namely my nemesis Charlotte…Or perhaps the happy chance of my Amy having made Charlotte the slip and headed there…

No one…

"It's not looking like a nuptial…" Raj, rubbing eyes, sighs…

"What?..." Stuart, a careful balance of feigned startle and wary caution…

I should note here what an excellent choice of ally I made in Stuart Bloom, given his detailed knowledge of both comic book fantasy and classic film noir…

Plus a good friend…Recently raised to the position and eminently worthy, given his willingness to risk being cast as the staunch friend of the desperate hero…That would be me…Who usually winds up getting murdered by the villain or henchthugs in a tragic scene…

Hopefully Charlotte does not have "henchthugs"…However I wouldn't put it past her…She probably has earned enough from her best-selling books and TV appearances, not to mention legal settlements with a long list of disgraced, semi-or fully blackmailed lovers…To hire a platoon of the beefiest…


	9. Chapter 9

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XVII…

Music of classic Trek series…The classic Enterprise advancing boldly into deep space…But moving inside to the bridge, we see the deck in Next Generation style…And on the bridge, Captain Penny, hair bunned up, in Next Generation red and black command uniform pacing the bridge…Raj and Leonard in gold uniform shirts seated at navigation and control front consoles, Mr. Cooper, science officer par excellence, with Spock ears, in light blue science officer uniform at his own rear console…Counselor Amy in deep blue dress style, a bit taller and slenderer than our Amy, heightening her resemblance to Charlotte…

"Captain…" Leonard, at console as Penny passes him…

"Mr. Hofstadter?..."

"About last night?..."

Dude…Raj, sighing as the Captain glares…

Not while on duty…Time and place except when we're drugged by water affected by gravity of a collapsing planet or star…Or alien mind-controlling spores…Or the ones digging into our spines and using severe pain…

"Everything ok?...You wanna go talk about it?..." Leonard suggests…

"Now's not the time, Mr. Hofstadter…You keep your place…" she eyes him sternly…

"Fine…Lord knows I've learned how to do that…" he sighs, turning back to his console…Raj raising hand…

"What is it, Raj?...Speak up…" Penny, turning to him… "Use your translator…"

Computer voice from said translator… "Captain, there's something out there…"

"Subspace distortion…" Leonard, checking his console…

"Mr. Wolowitz…" Penny to communicator console… "I may need more power quick…"

Cut to Howard, in Engineering… In gold shirt… "Captain, no problem…I've got all the power you want right here…" Smile to camera…Smooth…

"I doubt that…God…" Penny mutters…

"It's materializing, Captain…" Mr. Cooper, eyeing screen…

"It's…The Borg…" Raj, on computer voice…

All eye huge cube on screen…

"Wait for confirmation…" Mr. Cooper, insistent…

"Sheldon…" Leonard, frowning… "We know it's the Borg…"

"Nhhht…" Mr. Cooper, hand held up, examining console… "Mr. Cooper to you, sir…Very well…Magnetic signature confirms…It is the Borg, Captain…"

Right…Leonard, fuming…

"Captain…" Amy, frightened… "I sense great malevolence, more than the usual Borg 'we're here to enslave you or use you for raw materials'…malevolence…And I believe I recognize a presence…" she steps forward…

"Greetings…Enterprise…" Screen shows interior of Borg vessel, Charlotte in costume as Borg Queen …"Hello, sister…" smile to Amy…

"Your…Sister?..." Leonard, Penny to Amy…

"She disappeared en route to the planet Paris years ago…They must've taken her…" Amy, shaking head…

"Yes…And like anyone cared…" Charlotte… "Somehow I doubt this is a rescue expedition…"

"Charlotte…If I could've…" Amy…

"No matter, sweetheart…The Borg have taught me the power that lay within me…" Charlotte, coolly… "But, not to worry…Now, under my direction, we Borg offer… Peace…"

"Really?..." Penny, frowning…Glancing to Amy who shakes head…

We're talking Chancellor Palpatine's version of peace, Roman style…As in make a desolation and call it…

"Welll…That is, peace after a bit of business…We've one tinsey-weensey little demand…We'd like your science officer…"

"What?..." Penny…

"Me?..." Sheldon…

"Can you believe this?..." Leonard to Raj… "Sheldon gets the alien babe, again?...Didn't that girl princess on the cloud city world just cosy up to him?…"

"I still wonder what happened to her…It was strange her falling off the city edge through the force field while giving Counselor Amy that tour of the city…I mean she'd lived there all her life…" Raj notes…

"My Sheldon?..." Amy to on screen Charlotte…

"You've found a boyfriend, sister…How nice…I'd no idea…But we Borg wish to exchange scientific information…It'll all be strictly platonic, sister…" smile… "Unless of course Sheldon should decide…Otherwise…" wider smile…

"The Hell you didn't know…" Amy, frowning…

"And in exchange, we offer you…Your lives…" Charlotte, cooing…Ignoring Amy…

"Emergency transport!..." Amy cried, racing to Mr. Cooper… "Approved!..." Captain Penny cries… Both Amy and the startled Mr. Cooper beaming out…

"What!...Bring him back, Amy!..." Charlotte, howling… "He belongs with me!..."

"Too late, Borg bitch…" Penny, smiling…

"So…" Charlotte's outfit morphs into witch costume…Wicked Witch, complete with green makeup…

"…Helping the little lady and her beau along, are we?..." grim leer… "Now, that could be dangerous…For you…" rubbing hands…

"Fire!...All the weapons thingys…Right at…The middle, there!..." Penny points…

All weapons fire…Reflected back to crash against the Enterprise's shields…

"More power to the shields, Mr. Wolowitz!..." Captain Penny cries…

"Lady…I'm doin' all I can…You can't rush these things…" Howard's voice…

"So…Care to play with fire, eh my pretties?..." Charlotte on screen, hissing softly…

All control consoles catch fire…

Whoa…Raj, Leonard backing away from consoles…

"You've earned my wrath…" Charlotte, coldly… "Turn him and my sister over to me, Penny, or lose everything and -one you care about!…" she glances round, fixing on Leonard…

"Howard, damn you!...More shield power, now!…And I'll go on a date with you!" Penny cries…

All ship instrument panels not on fire light brightly…

My God, will I never be loved like that?...Raj sighs…

But, too late as Leonard vanishes…

"No!..." Penny screams…

"Ah, ha, ha, ha, hah!…" Charlotte, cackling…

"All right, Charlotte…Anything you want…Just let him go!..."

"Ahhhhhh!,,, "

"Penny?..." Amy stares…Other patrons of the bus they ride, stare…

"Where is he?...Amy, you have to let me…" Penny, frantic, staring round…

"Who?...Sheldon?...Let you do what?..." Amy, eyeing her… "Penny, are you ok?..."

Penny blinking…

Oh, God…I'm a terrible friend…I was ready to hand Sheldon over…

But…Oh…I am in love…Smile…

"Penny?..." Amy, worried…

"It' s ok…" Penny, nodding… "Just nodded off and had a nightmare…Nothing serious…"

I hope…When the chips really are down…

Also, God…When did I subconsciously become a Trekkie?...

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XVIII…

"So…Let me get this straight?..." my treasured acquaintance Howard Wolowitz eyes Stuart as they stand in the apartment shared by myself and my long-term roommate, Leonard Hofstadter…And Rajesh Koothrappali, astrophysicist and friend of many years looks on, puzzled…

"You want me to help you help a…'Friend known to us who must remain incognito'…"

(My clever designation for myself…)

"I.e, Sheldon…" Raj notes…

"Guys…" Stuart sighs… "Not my idea as to 'Mr. Mystery's title'…But can you play along?..."

"Fine…Helo 'Mr. Mystery'…By whipping him up a 'wire'?..." Howard stares…

"There is a reason…It is valid…And I mean, even to me…" Stuart…

"Why would Shel…Mr. Incognito…" Raj, nodding at Stuart's stare… "Want a wire?...Is he planning to get Amy to take back her 'yes' and record it?..." he sighs to Stuart's frown… "I mean to get 'Ms. Incognito' to take it back and record it?..."

"More like…Ms. Incognito's sister…" Stuart, hard stare…

"Charlotte?..." Howard, glance to Raj… "What's he got against her?...Apart from her having a body that will haunt my nights for years to come…Actually I could see where that might be a problem…"

"Is Amy jealous?...Is that why Shel…Mr. Mysterious…Ran like hell from here?..." Raj…

"Actually he deployed out the bedroom window, down a rope line…A idea I intend to keep in my files…" Howard notes… "But Amy seemed fine…Nervous about Charlotte, sure…Though, given that incredible…"

"Howard…" Raj, fuming a bit… "As a brother with a sister defiled by one of us, I feel it my duty to stand in as substitute brother for Amy and Charlotte…Back off with the sexual innuendos on my surrogate sister or face the wrath of Raj…"

"Fine…" hand up… "But what does Mr. Mysterious Neurotic hope to gain from wearing a wire?...A recording of Charlotte laughing hysterically at the notion of her and him?..."

"Not so hysterical…" Stuart, sternly…

'What?..." Howard, blinking…

"Holy whatever god whose month I've forgotten this is…" Raj…

"Are you saying?...Charlotte?..." Howard, staring…"Sheldon?...Ummn… 'incognito friend we know'…She…Him?...In pursuitus, delectus?..."

"I've no idea what that means, Howard, but she's after him…" Stuart…

"You're putting me on…" Howard, narrow, sidelong glance…

"She did strike me as a bit of a man-eating bitch who also delights in humiliating and tormenting her Womankind sisters…And I ought to know…" Raj, nodding sagely…

Uh…He eyes the others…

"Of course I mean I ought to know from people other than my sister…Or perhaps, 'I…Ought to know…' As in, I should be reading up on such things…Look, I'm a foreigner, I have trouble with the damned language sometimes…" Raj, agitated…

"She seemed so goldarned sweet…" Howard, shaking head…

"It just seems the right word to use with an ethereal French-American WASP…" he notes to the others' stares… "Or a nice Catholic goy-girl like my Bernadette…Oh, you can't convince me she's putting moves on Captain Neuroses…I'd sooner believe Bernadette was cheating on me during this latest little bump in our relationship…"

Choking sound from Raj…

"Beef jerky from last night…Subconscious guilt from my native culture…" he gasps, grabbing at soda bottle on table… "And what do you mean?...Who would Bernadette cheat on you with?...It's an insult to her…And whomever you suspect…Whomever being?..."

"What?..." Howard, shaking head… "No one…I don't suspect Bernadette…That's what I mean…"

"Amy's told you Charlotte isn't quite what she seems, hasn't she?..." Stuart asks…

"She said Charlotte had once been a bit wild…And told me she'd have my testicles on a platter, bronzed, if I made a move in her direction…" Howard, shrugging… "But I get that from all of you about your sisters…"

"I said I'd encase them in lead and toss them into the Pacific…" Raj, puzzled… "I never mentioned bronzing them…Hell, you might pull a Warehouse 13 and debronze them…"

"…And there would be ladies showing great appreciation for said debronzing, I'm sure…Were I not spoken for…" Howard, beaming…

"Guys…" Stuart, waving hand… "Lets focus here…Accept it from me that your mysterious patron is right to be afraid…Very afraid…Of Charlotte…Can you guys help him out?...And keep it secret?..."

"A 'wire', you say?...Small, yet highly acute…Simple, yet elegant…Direct transmission, I assume…Do we want X-ray capability?..." leer….

"Dude…I'm resuming surrogate brother status…" Raj, frowning…

"Go on direct transmit…Pass on X-ray…" Stuart, shaking head… "Just keep it simple…And as well- hidden as possible, with no noise or anything else that might give it away…"

"Simple…Yet elegant…There's no advantage to cutting corners my friend…" Howard notes… "As a master of the craft, I can assure you…"

"How 'a master'?...Did you work for the CIA?...Or you mean you adapt this kinda thing for your space work?..."

"Oh, don't…" Raj, sighing as Howard, eager to explain, beams…. "This is always so gross…"

"There's nothing like keep a record of one's seductive conquests…" Howard…Finger to side of nose…Shrewd nod…

"…Or just getting the entire cheerleading squad forever on camera whilst they are in shower…" he beams… "…'Oops, thought this was the mens room…Sorry about that, ladies…'…"

"I tole you not to…" Raj sighs…

Knock at door…

Thirty minutes before…

'And Sheldon thought I wouldn't believe him?..." Amy, tense…Stopping to face Penny on interior stairs of the apartment building in which I reside…And she mostly does, these days…

What can I say?…Or, rather, as I've said…Repeating my beloved Amy Farrah Fowler…

I'm a stud…

"No…No…" Penny, insistent… "But…He was afraid Charlotte would make claims that might…Well, that would lead even the most committed and trusting of partners…To kinda wonder a little?...And he doesn't ever want you wondering…Even a little…Especially over Charlotte… "

"Admirable, in a stupid way…" Amy, nodding… "But obviously there's more…" she eyed Penny carefully…Squinting as Penny blanched a little…

There is a lot of potential Charlotte in her, no question…Penny thought, nervously as Amy continued her squinting stare…

"See?..." Penny…Brilliantly finding the psychological solution…Turning tables…

"This is what he's afraid of…" she nodded, triumphant…

"Nice try…" Amy, cocking head shrewdly… "So, what did he do?...Was…Sex…Oh, God…" she burst into sobs…

"Amy?...No!...NO!...Sheldon would never…See, he's right…This is why he's got to get Charlotte to confess…"

"She always…Takes anyone I love away…Except…" Amy rubbed at her cheeks…

"Other boyfriends…?" Penny, staring…

"Lets get real, Penny…Of course not, outside a couple of friends who were boys, or paid playmates…You know Sheldon's my only real boyfriend…But for poor Leonard and his ravaged heart…I did try to be gentle, though…You do forgive me?..."

"Right…Sure…" Penny nods…Eyeing her…

God…On the other hand…She does look like Charlotte, just a bit heftier…And if she lost those glasses and put on a decent outfit…

No…She's my bestie…And not like her sister…

Though when I have the chance, I might ask Leonard a few casual questions about that wedding reception…I never did, that was rude of me…High-minded nod…Narrow-eyed stare at Amy…

"I mean my friends…" Amy continued… "I did have a few who weren't paid by my mother…My pets…My favorite plaster cast of the human brain…Charlotte got all of them away from me, even though we only saw each other at Christmas a few times…And now, she…"

"Amy…Sheldon is doing this to prove himself to you…" Penny, nodding… "Have faith…If there's one thing ;you can trust in, it's Sheldon's ego…He'd never let himself be brought down by Charlotte…"

"He thought he'd never be 'brought down' by me…" Amy notes sadly…But with faint smile… "But he'd never encountered a Fowler girl…"

"And this Fowler girl is not gonna give up the best thing that ever happened to her…" Penny eyes her…

"No…But I always lose the seduction game with Charlotte…" sigh… "I know Sheldon is fighting her…But…"

"Well, he's not some pet, you know…Or a paid playmate…This time it's for real…" Penny notes…

"Though it might seem more so if you ditched that witch's costume…" she added, eyeing the increasingly bedraggled outfit…

Several other bus patrons/building tenants passing by doing likewise…As they had throughout the ride…

Though in some ways, a little bedraggling didn't hurt…she thought …Kinda enhances the…

Hmmn…

"Amy?...Charlotte always wins the game, eh?..." she eyes her…

"To date, yeah…" sigh…

"Well, perhaps it would help if we let her think this one's won as well…" smile…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XIX…

In the interest of lowering your no doubt elevated stress lievel, gentle reader, let me note here that it is indeed Charlotte's little party and Charlotte herself who will be knocking at the door of the apartment I share more or less…And currently, somewhat less on his part as my portion is frequently supplemented these days by the presence of my friend/girlfriend/fiancée, Amy Farrah Fowler…With Leonard Hofstadter, a member of Charlotte's less than merry band…

But as to the more important question…What was your hero…Namely me…Up to?...

I was in fact performing that most Herculean of heroic tasks…

Waiting…

With rather bated breath I might add, at my ally Stuart Bloom's comic book emporium…

All hinged on Howard and Raj being willing to listen and heed my story…And Stuart's proper recitation…

Ten minutes earlier…

"Helllo, jeune fille douce. Oui, c'est le Dr Fowler, comment allez-vous ? En quoi votre ourson ? Oh, c'est très triste. Oui, alors j'opérera dès que je rentrer chez eux et que nous allons lui faire bien. Oui, je suis avec mon Amy sœur. Comment sont ton père et ta mère ? Vous êtes au repos et à prendre vos médicaments ? Brave fille. Très bien, je dois aller maintenant. Dormez bien, petit. Que Dieu bénisse."

Bernadette and Leonard watching as Charlotte spoke on phone…All three standing in the foyer of Leonard's and my apartment building…

You could almost think her nice…Bernadette had to admit to herself as Charlotte laughed gently to the phone, a kiss at the end…

I can see why she does so well with those books and TV appearances…

"She has the touch with her patients, doesn't she?..." Leonard noted…

"With the guys too…" Bernadette, grimly…He frowning back…Jesus…The Friends of Penny brigade in force…

"You know I'm not required to forever stand around waiting for Penny to make up her mind…" he whispered… "If you want to with Howard, fine…That's your business…She knows how I feel and all she ever has to do…" he stared at Bernadette's pale face…

"What?..."

"Nothing…You're right, sorry…It's just…" she eyed Charlotte, currently finishing her conversation… "Anyone but her, Leonard…"

He frowned again but was silent as Charlotte came to them…

Charlotte, closing phone and stowing it in her purse, beamed at them… "My little patient Mathilde wants me to fix her teddy bear like I fixed her…" smile…

"She called from France?..." Leonard, impressed…

"She had a serious brain tumor…Benign but in a bad location…We had to operate and she was very lucky to survive…A very brave girl, I encourage her to call me whenever she wants, sometimes someone to talk to who understands is the best medicine…Fortunately I've a friendly phone service and they give me a break for such calls…" beam…

"That's great…" Leonard nodded…Bernadette, as well, but tensely…

I am not going to start liking the woman who accused one of my best friends of betraying my other best friend…Hell, anyone can be nice to kids…Besides me…

"I love children…That's why I enjoy working with them…They're still innocent and not to blame for what the world is like…" pensive look… Winsome smile…

"Ah…Sorry, I get downcast over the woes of life sometimes…I know my grandmother would insist that I make lemonade from the lemons…But it is hard sometimes…When one knows one has almost no one one can trust…Or care for…" Hands clenching slightly… Briefest darkening…Then a return to light manner…

"But of course I have my dearest sister and so many good friends…Who love me so…" she smiled…

"Not all adults are bad people, Charlotte…" Leonard eyed her… "And Amy is a dear person…"

"Of course…" she nodded, hard stare at him… "And you, Leonard…I'm so glad I've met you…And you, Bernadette…It's just this thing with Sheldon depressing me a bit. I suppose…For Amy's sake…I'd so hoped she'd found happiness at last…"

"She has…" Bernadette, insistent…

"I really do hope so…" Charlotte smiled… "But I know how fragile such hope can be…And sometimes, it may be the wiser course to learn not to hope at all…"

"Amy's right…You make me sad, Charlotte…" Leonard, quietly…

"We can't change what the world is, Leonard…So let us change the subject…Shall we go up and see your friends?…Perhaps Sheldon has finally returned…?"

He nodded and Charlotte moved for the stairs, a wry grin at the elevator then the others…She started up, the others following…

"What are you up to here, Leonard?..." Bernadette hissed…

"Nothing….Except I do feel sorry for her…" he said…Continuing…Pausing just a moment…

"And I never in my life ever thought I'd be the one feeling sorry for someone like her…" quiet smile to Bernadette…

"Enchante, mademoiselle…" Howard, responding to her knock, greeted Charlotte, who duly nodded…

"Merci…Hello, Raj…" she waved…

Raj nervously giving quick, restrained wave back…

But for once his permanent disability coming in handy…Unable to spill any beans as to Stuart's startling disclosures…And my plans…

"Sheldon's not back?..." she asked, eager note…

"Not a peep from our lost pigeon…" Howard shrugged… "But he'll turn up…Sooner or later…" casual tone…Slightest aversion of eyes…Careful avoidance of direct stare…

All duly noted, you may be sure…Though given he was also avoiding Bernadette's stare there was some little room for doubt as to his intent…

"Lets hope so…" Charlotte noted…Calmly but with careful stare at Howard, then Raj…

"For my poor sister's sake…"

"So…Where is your sister?...Not to mention Penny…" Howard…

"We had a little incident last night…" Leonard, carefully…

Raj looking over….Mouthing to Howard, who sighed… "Yes, incident…"

"I'm to blame…Utterly…" Charlotte cut in… "I lost my temper about Sheldon's disappearance after I came to believe Penny knew where he was…Right or not, I shouldn't have done it…I'm truly sorry…" sheepish expression…

"Penny?...She took off?...She hasn't come home yet…" Howard, eyeing Leonard who shrugged…

Don't ask me…I'm longer a resident of Pennyverse…

"And Amy?..." he continued…

"Amy flew the coop as well…Though we're pretty sure in a separate direction…" Leonard sighed…

"So now we have three missing persons?..." Howard asked… "Sounds like a serial killer at work…"

"Doesn't it?..." Bernadette, nodding…Glance at Charlotte…

From the spot in the hallway where he'd managed to conceal himself, my worthy ally Stuart eyed the door to our apartment…

Please note that by our I mean myself and my beloved Amy Farrah Fowler…My current roommate Leonard Hofstadter being soon to vacate for parts upstairs…

He'd wisely chosen to conceal himself rather than risk explaining his presence, fearing it might lead to conclusions being drawn as to my whereabouts…

Any way his end for the moment, excepting any chance to recon for any intelligence to allow us to learn Charlotte's plan, was up…All now hinged on my treasured acquaintance…My fate in the hands of an engineer, no less…

Though remarkably in this case perhaps the man for the job…

To his surprise he saw Amy Farrah Fowler, somewhat less than resplendent in her witch's costume, now rather crinkly from two days continuous wear…And Penny, no costume but her usual attempt at a cross between Californian casual and Midwestern party girl…Or whatever passes for a party girl in the Midwest….Heading not as he might expect for Penny's door but mine…Knocking…

Startled cries of recognition and greeting from inside as the door was opened…And the two disappeared in side…

Sensing it was time to warp out, as it were, Stuart hurried for the stairs and was quickly out the building. intent on bringing me this interesting turn of events…

But I would merely have noted, as I did on his arrival, that it was like my Amy to brave the lioness in…Well, in my den but you get the point…


	10. Chapter 10

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XX…

"It seems you were right, Charlotte…" Amy noted quietly as she and Penny stood facing the group in my apartment…A puzzled Raj and Howard, a troubled Bernadette, a bemused Leonard, and, as Penny had hoped, a rather content…That her sister was seeing the light, of my inadequacy, of course…Charlotte…

"Penny was contacted by Sheldon last night…Though not in any collusion…He simply wanted her to let him know how I was…It seems we both owe Penny an apology…Though you seem to have been right about Sheldon…He is trying to find a way out of this commitment…"

(I trust my actions to date have bellied the accuracy of this statement, a ruse of course…Thank you…)

"I'm so sorry, Amy…" Charlotte, moving in for the…er, to comfort… "And I apologize, Penny…I lost my temper and it was uncalled for…I only hope you understand it reflected how much Amy means to me…"

"Sure…No…Problem…" Penny, smiling…Of the shit-eating midwestern variety…Her own take on Charlotte's rather more elegantly French style…But quite effective in its own way…Both in deceiving the clueless and sending a message to one's opponent…

Girl is rather good at this at that…Bit worrisome, really…

"Yes…" Amy sighed… "I suppose I asked too much of him and he couldn't bear it…"

"What did he say to Penny?...Did you talk to him yet?..." Leonard…

Charlotte watching carefully…Uncertain but naturally suspicious…And now rather suspecting her tool/victim Penny might be a bit more formidable than she'd realized…

"Just that he couldn't speak to Amy…He couldn't tell her about what he needed to tell her…Something like that…You know Sheldon…" Penny shrugged…

"Apparently I didn't…As well as I thought…" Amy sighed again…

"There, there…" Charlotte patted her… "You always get your hopes raised too high my dearest…I keep telling you you'll inevitably face disappointment and disillusion…"

"So true…I guess…" Penny shook her head…

"Wait…Does this mean the wedding's off?..." Howard, eyeing Amy, Penny…

"I can't marry without a groom …Or another someone, at least…" Amy noted…Weeping…Penny extending a hand for a gentle pat…

"Lets not be too hasty…" Charlotte, carefully… "We may yet be able to get Sheldon to see he's making a foolish mistake in abandoning you…" smile to Amy's now teary face…Amy rubbing cheeks with paper towel Penny fetched from the kitchen…

"You think so, Charlotte?..." Amy, hopeful tone…

"Well, if I could just speak to him…" Charlotte pondered… "Penny, do you know where he is now?..."

"Not really, Charlotte…I can only guess and he still won't answer his cell…But I don't think he's managed to leave Pasadena…"

"Maybe if I called him…" Leonard suggested… "I can get through to him sometimes…"

Howard, glance to Bernadette…Who indicated cluelessness…Then Penny….Who gave a careful stare for the briefest moment…

Given there's no t a realistic chance in Hell that Penny would check me out…Howard thought…

I'd say…Something's afoot…

"Yes, Leonard…You try and if you can get him to meet you…I'll come too…" Charlotte, eager…

Amy, nervous flash to Penny…Penny, urgent look… Play it out, girl…

"Yes…That sounds good, Leonard…Sheldon trusts you…Why don't you and Charlotte give it a try?...Tell him I can still forgive and forget if he makes it to the engagement party tonight…" Amy, attempting casual…

"Well…Lets not be too forgiving, too quickly, dearest…" Charlotte noted…

"Have you told Amy yet about Sheldon…?" Leonard, shrugging… "I mean all that about putting the moves on you…In the restaurants and theater…?"

"Did he?..." Amy, shocked squeak in tone…

"Which sure doesn't jibe with Sheldon's sudden change to reasonableness…" Leonard frowned…

"It does however follow a fairly classic pattern in men of his personality type…" Charlotte, assured tone…

"I can't believe Sheldon has a 'personality type'?" Howard to Raj…"I take him for a whole new species…"

"Sheldon put the moves on you, Charlotte?..." Penny, shocked, simply shocked tone… "God, that makes me feel better…" sigh…

"What?..." Charlotte, Leonard in unison… Closely followed by the others, particularly Bernadette…

"Welll…Sheldon has…In the past…" Penny, hesitant…

"No…" Amy, horrified tone…

My wife to be, the actress…And without the claim to professionalism Penny makes…

Correction…Dear Penny makes…

"Sheldon did what?..." Leonard, dumbfounded…

Raj, Howard, Bernadette equally so…Which dumbfoundedness Bernadette now expressed aloud…

"Holy Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.!...Sheldon?...Moves on you?..."

"Well, they were only lil' passes, really…But actually, not bad ones…" Penny reflected…

Penny, well aware, of my 'studly' rep…Building on the rumors…

"'Lil'…?" Leonard, blinking…

"I didn't wanna mention it…I can handle myself…And I thought he'd go way after he met Amy…Which he mostly did…"

"Mostly?...No…No…" Leonard, insistent, waving hands… "This isn't a joke, Penny …C'mon…"

"Sheldon made advances toward you?..." Charlotte, eyeing Penny noncommittally…

"I mean it was nothing really serious…" Penny shook head…

"What?..." Amy, shocked tone… "You were my best friend and you didn't think this was important?..."

Penny, a bit startled by the sincerity…

Lord, she is good…

"I think I must speak to Sheldon…Very soon…And at length…" Charlotte frowned…

"I don't believe this…" Bernadette, grimly… "Penny, all this time you never said a word?..."

"I can't believe it…" Amy, hastily… "Though…You were always talking about how Sheldon acted when you were sick and he was always hanging round your place…Just as Charlotte said…"

"Amy, I'm so sorry…" Penny sighed… "I really thought saying nothing was the best thing…"

Howard eyeing Raj…Raj, Howard…

"This can't be happening…Sheldon Cooper?...Playing around?..." Leonard sat down, shaking head…

"Not in any big way, Leonard…" Penny noted… "Maybe it had to do with being sick or nervous…You know, like how Raj gets with alcohol…And you told me he'd been drinking both times when he made passes at you during our dinners, Charlotte…" careful eyeing…

"Drinking?...Sheldon?..." Leonard…

"Horse crap…" Bernadette, frowning… "What are you people trying to sell here?..." Howard slipping over her way…

"What is it, Howard?..." she fumed at him, turning his way…

"Just wanted a moment, if you would?…" he asked… "We do have some personal business to discuss…"

"Not now…" she frowned… "I wanna settle this…Penny, what are you trying to pull?...Sheldon is no Pasadena playboy…"

"He seems to have fooled us all…" Amy, hastily, sighing…Stare at Bernadette…Will you stop, girl?...

"It does seem there's more to him than meets the eye…" Charlotte, smiling coolly…

Uh-oh….Penny sighing internally…Sounds like she's on to us…Thanks a lot, Bernie…

Bernadette eyeing Amy, then turning to the waiting Howard… "Ok, fine…Lets talk…Excuse us…" she marched for Leonard's bedroom, Howard in tow…

"Poor fellow…" Charlotte, looking after them as Bernadette closed the door…

Hey, that's my…Leonard, waving briefly, giving it up…Great… Right…

Why should my personal space be respected?...

"I wonder if he suspects…" Charlotte concluded, a glance to Raj…

"Suspects?...What?..." Leonard…

Penny and Amy staring as well…

"Oh…Nothing…" Charlotte, thin smile…Glance to a gulping Raj…Gentler smile…

"None of my business, anyway…So, shall we try Sheldon again?...At least you can make him your offer on voice mail, Amy…If he still refuses to pick up…"

"All right…But if he doesn't come…" Amy, sadly…

"Only right, sister…" Charlotte nodded… "You're being more than fair to him…Penny?...You said you might guess at where he is?..."

"Oh, I'm likely way off…He being such a genius and all…" Penny noted…

(Normally of course, quite the case…)

"Sheldon?..." Amy had dialed… "If you're there…We're all here…Pick up…"

I, listening, got her signal to do exactly the opposite…Switching to voice mail…

"…Fine…" she continued after a pause… "I want you to know, I'm willing to overlook this incident if you'll come to the party tonight at 8…If not, I'll have to take that as a full rejection and repudiation…In which case, you'll find your ring on the kitchen table here…I love you, Sheldon…Good-bye…"

"Very well…But why don't we try your best guess, Penny?…" Charlotte suggested… "It would be good to speak with him before hand…To save Amy any further embarrassment…"

"There's only a few places he'd normally go in daytime…" Leonard began…

"His office at Cal Tech is my best guess…" Penny, hurriedly…

"No, I already inquired there during breakfast…" Charlotte, coolly… "It was my first guess as well…"

"Well, there's…" Leonard tried…

"The train station…It would be open now…He's probably buying a ticket for East Texas now…" Penny noted…Cutting the increasingly frustrated Leonard off…

"He loves trains…" Amy chimed in…

"I left a request last night we be informed if anyone answering his description showed up there…" Charlotte, smiling…

"He's pretty good at disguise…" Penny suggested…

"His cell phone wouldn't work at the station…Amy wouldn't have gotten his voice message…I checked with the stationpeople…" Charlotte, wider smile… "Any other ideas?..."

Bernadette and Howard emerged from Leonard's room…Bernadette a bit subdued…

"Everything ok?... " Penny asked…

"How's it hangin' dude?…" Raj to Howard, as nonchalantly as possible…Glance to Bernadette who eyed him with hard stare…

"Fine…" Bernadette noted, primly… "I guess you could be right, Penny…Sheldon could have concealed his nature a bit…And it could mainly be wedding jitters …A combination…" she nodded… Howard nudging her…

"Oh and the drinking thing…Right, yeah I could see that…" she concluded…

"I see…You know…" Charlotte, warm smile… "Sheldon strikes me as the sort of person who favors places where he feels utterly comfortable…He's not the sort to seek to find new places on the fly…And given his and your, Raj, Howard…Dear Leonard…" pat… "…fondness for light reading and comics…Is there a place in town that you frequent for that sort of…?"

"No…" Penny, categorically…

"Can't really think of one…" Howard, casually…

"Uhh…" Raj, protected once again by his disability…

"Come on, what about…Ooof!..." Leonard groaned as Penny dived at him…  
>All staring…Leonard eyeing Penny now in his lap…She paused only a second and began frantically kissing him…<p>

"Oh, Leonard…I can't do this anymore…Please, please take me back!..." she cried…Kissing him on the mouth before he could speak, his arms flailing…

"Leonard?..." Charlotte, staring…

"I'm sorry, Charlotte…But I have to have my lil' Lennie back…" Penny insisted, still frantically kissing and embracing the befuddled Leonard…

Ummphf…He groaned…

"Oh, love is beautiful…" Amy sighed… "Sorry, Charlotte…As you always say, it's just not in the cards for us…"

Charlotte, narrow stare…

Howard eyeing Bernadette…Surreptitious roll of hand…C'mon sweetie…A little support here from the fellow girl gang member...

"Yeah, I always…Figured…She and Leonard…" tears suddenly…Oh…She ran for the bathroom…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXI…

Despite Penny's best efforts, Leonard managed to escape her suffocating…And more importantly, silencing, embrace after the group, excepting Charlotte, was startled by Bernadette's sudden fleeing to the restroom…

Howard most puzzled of all…

Thought I explained it all to her and she got it…

Raj most perturbed…Oh, holy crap…He eyeing Charlotte as she watched Leonard and Penny, rather put out…No woman bests me…

And the bitch from French Hell is on to us…

Though it was only after Howard's most recent of multiple screw-ups…Poor Bernadette's heart broken yet once more over his eternal unwillingness to decide between Mommie and potential Wifey…Despite Mommie actually getting on quite well with potential Daughter-in-Law…

And I'd been drinking to drown my sorrows at having to comfort her yet again over idiot fiancée…

All right, maybe I deliberately got a bit drunk…But something had to be done…It couldn't just go on like this…

Not that it's all so hot now, what with the crushing guilt, the numbing shame, and the now-that-we've-actually-done-it-it's nice-but-not-all-that-big-a-deal…

Still, I have done the ultimate wrong (short of killing him and cutting him up, or handing him over to Nazis) and truly dissed my friend big time…

And the bitch from French Hell…As I said…Well, hopefully we're too small fry to interest her…

But more important things than the foolish indiscretion of Drs. Rostenkowski and Koothrappali, this being my and Amy Farrah Fowler's tale of adventure, romance, and desperate conflict with Evil…Were about…

As I said, Leonard had managed to escape Penny's efforts to restrain him by any means necessary…

"God…Penny?...What the hell are you doing?..." he gasped…Pulling back from her grip…

"Proving how much I love you…" she replied…Grabbing for him again…

At least that much is true…She thought, staring at him…

Oh, please, Leonard…Just shut up and thank God…

Please?...

Hmmn…Wasn't there something more here than him and me?...And the bitch from Hell by way of Paris…?

Nope, can't think of anything else…

"Leonard?..." Charlotte moved in to restake her claim…

"Leonard…Please…" Penny pleaded… "You love me, I know you do…"

And that much is true…So come on, Hofstadter…She eyed him…

"I see…" Charlotte, mournful…Tears to eyes… "Well, of course, Leonard if you're not interested in me, I understand…I'd never want to get in the way…"

Last night wasn't?...Penny thought, glaring back a bit at her…

"Enough…Penny, come on…" Leonard pulled at her… "I don't know what the game is here, but…"

What?...Penny, truly hurt…A bit, anyway… You don't believe me?...

"It's no game, Leonard…" she frowned…. "And I'm sorry, Charlotte…"

" Of course…" Charlotte, cold nod… "But getting back to my sister's broken heart and ruined nuptials…What place were you suggesting, Leonard?"

Oh, right…Amy, Sheldon…Evil threatening their happiness…Yeah…Penny thought…

"Hmmn…" my ally Stuart pondered the question posed to him by an anxious Amy…The gang about her as they stood in the front of his shop…

"Sheldon's got himself missing?...And you thought he mighta come here, eh?..."

"Did he?..." Charlotte asked, coolly…

"Nope…No one in here after 11 last night until 10 this morning…" Stuart shook his head… "And it not being 10 yet, no one..." grin…

"There's a pity…" Charlotte noted… Amy pasting a downcast look…Penny barely repressing a look of triumph…Only her slight depression over Leonard's response to her overtures dampening her spirits…

"We very much need to reach him before tonight…"

Tonight…Tonight…I'll see my love tonight…Amy thought, happily…While keeping her downcast, abandoned fiancée look…

Tonight there will be no morning star…

"Amy?..." Charlotte eyed her…

Ummn… "Yes?..."

"I realize this has been hard on you…Perhaps we should just cancel tonight…It might give Sheldon the time he needs to think matters over…"

"Hmmn?...Oh, no…I mean he needs to decide now…I can't wait forever for him to make up his mind as to whether monogamy is preferable to his current wild lifestyle…"

"Yeah…" Penny agreed… "She deserves a yes or no, in it for the brass ring, yours for keeps answer now…Not in six months…"

"No girl likes that…" she eyed Leonard who frowned…

"Suddenly this is my fault we're not together?..." he fumed…

"Stuart, a word about my last request on order…" Howard came over to Stuart, urging him aside…

Charlotte not missing a trick, watching as Stuart led Howard into the back rooms…

Still, a bird in hand to resecure…

"Well, I won't say I'm not disappointed…But no one could be happier you and Penny are going to be back together, Leonard…" she smiled at him…

"Wait…" he put up a hand… "Now just wait a sec…I'm getting tired of being pushed around like this…Penny…I don't understand why all of a sudden you want me back…"

"Clearly because she senses I want you…Rivalry does that…" Charlotte, wan smile…

Senses?... Penny stared… Bitch, you were all over him just six hours ago….And from what Bernadette's hinted , until three hours ago…Still…May as well grab the opening…

"Yeah, I guess…Seeing you with Charlotte just got me wild, I guess…Yeah…"

"Love does that…"Amy chimed in…

Thanks, bestie…Penny, beam…

As for you , Hofstadter…A little joy there, boy…

"So?...Is our bird here or flown?..." Howard to Stuart as they stood in the storage room…Piles upon piles of unopened, unexamined treasure in comic book form about them…

"I got him over to my sister's after he got Amy's call…We figured you'd likely be here next…Have you got…?"

"The crème dela crème of recording surveillance devices, my friend…" Howard, beaming…Pulling out a long optic fiber cable… "Behold, the Wolowitz wire…"

"A fiber optic cable?..." Stuart frowned…

"Not just a fiber optic cable my boy…" finger raised… "This beauty can receive input from multiple points along the cable…It literally can be wrapped around the plant…Namely Sheldon…And will not only record sound, body temperatures, motion patterns…It will provide video surveillance through the smallest opening…A button hole…The smallest of tears…At multiple points as well…And…It can monitor and record cell phone calls for a distance of up to 50 feet from the plant…"

"Nice…Are you sure Sheldon can wear this easily…?"

"Easier than Charlotte can wear that slinky dress she has on…Not to worry, my friend…Just have him drape it around, it will conform to his body contours automatically by sensing body heat…"

"Wow…"

"Wow, indeed…" Howard nodded… "I really should be classified top secret by the CIA…"

"Now I just need a chance to get it to him…" Stuart sighed… "And to get him fired up enough to risk meeting Charlotte again…"

'Yeah…Just what did go on between them?..." Howard asked…A hair nervous…

"I mean Sheldon and Charlotte, of course…" he noted, hastily…

"Yeah…Sure…" Stuart, puzzled… "Well, I tole you Sheldon says she went for him, threatened to tell Amy he was the instigator…And…"

Hmmn?... "I sense…More?..." 

"Welll…" Stuart sighed… "Lets just say…Sheldon Cooper turns out to be at least partially human…" stare… "But really, nothing serious…"

"My God…" Howard, blinking… "Still…I guess it's actually easier to believe than him and Amy…"

"What?..." frown…

"I just mean…Eh, nothing…But did he…?"

"Nothing happened, Howard…Except Charlotte apparently took it as a sign to keep pressin'…"

"Likewise unbelievable…" Howard sighed… "Stuart, how does that little freak do it?..."

"You're not doing so bad yourself with Bernadette…" Stuart noted, with smile… "Sheldon just seems to do it for Fowler ladies…Maybe there's some genetic connection…They're all turned on by high wattage brains or something…"

"Must be…" Howard, hastily… "And what's the plan?...Do we get Charlotte out so you can slip away?..."

"Sheldon and I agreed you should be ready to follow me…She's bound to wonder about me in any case…Give me a few minutes, then suggest you're wondering about me…Get them on my trail but just give me enough time to get this…" Stuart held up the cable… "…to him…Charlotte ought to do the rest…In her own good time…"

"All right then…" Howard nodded…Hesitating…

"Tell our favorite Vulcan freak he's a hell of a lucky man…And to never forget it…" he said quietly…Moving to the door and out as Stuart stared…

"Are you like…An alien?..." my ally Stuart's nephew, a rather surprisingly heavy-set young creature of about nine, stares at me as I await my fate and the outcome of our little plan at his sister's home…

"Considering I'm a native-born East Texan with an IQ of 187 and no interest whatsoever in hunting or TV evangelicals I would say there's due cause to wonder on that regard…" I note…

"Can you make things fly around?..."

"Given sufficient power to mass ratio, of course…"

"Cool…Can you blow up things with your mind?..."

"I don't know…" I note… "I've tried exploding brains within skulls but the data is inconclusive as yet…"

"Can you make my head explode?..."

"I'd dearly love to give it a try…" I smile…Concentrating…Dark look…

"Mommm!..."

"You have to stay for the experiment to have sufficient time to be considered valid…" I call…

"My brother's an idiot…" his sister, a petite girl of about seven eyes me… "Are you really a genius?..."

"Guilty as charged…" I nod…

"Then why do you need Uncle Stuart's help?…He's not a genius…"

"Au contraire…" I note…Feeling compelled to put in a good word for my ally…

"In his chosen field, his talents certainly border on genius-level if not in there…"

"Comics are stupid…" she pronounces…Folding arms…Grim expression…

"No…People who don't appreciate them are stupid…Comics are portals to other worlds of imagination..The basis of all scientific thought being imagination…It is true, when I was your age and just starting to realize my full potential I thought I had no time for such things…" I regard her… "Like you, I felt them a waste of my incredibly valuable time...But then I realized how much of my best work came when imagining how comic book effects and events might actually occur…In some other universe, if not our own…"

She eyes me, pondering…

"I like fairy tales…Even if they're stupid…Not true…" she notes…

"Not so…All fairy tales, like all tales…Come from the human imagination…And therefore have a basis in the human mind…Meaning some factual, physical reality, even if only an imaginary one…And most have even more roots in physical reality…Take Cinderella for example…Sister living a repressed life under the thumb of idiot siblings and a vengeful stepmother, all far beneath her capacity and well aware of it…Rescued not so much by the Prince, nice enough fellow as he usually is…But by her own desire to be free…And the fairy godmother's manipulation of matter is certainly a way of looking at matter at the subquantum level…Where matter is really all the same, simply rearranging and reforming…So, why shouldn't her fairiness be able to reform mice into horses, pumpkins into coaches…"

She looks at me, finally nodding…

"Simple subatomic particle physics…" I return nod…

"I like 'Snow White'…" she offers…

"Twisted evil queen, fearful of growing old alone…Holds back loving stepdaughter…It's not the beauty outside, but the love Snow White gives to all, even the congenitally malformed little men who rescue her in the woods that differentiates them…Snow White ends up in suspended animation…" I stop, pondering…

"Like in '2001 A Space Odyssey'…Uncle Stuart got that for me… "

"Yes…The evil queen knows it's pointless to try and disfigure Snow White or kill her outright…It's the girl's loving heart she needs to kill…Or replace…She wants to take Snow White's place really…And have the love Snow White…Hmmn…"

"What?..."

"Just proved my own theory…" I note…

Oh, poor Charlotte…Oh, lucky me…

Oh, praise that day Raj and Howard decided to fix me up for a joke…

"Here's Uncle Stuart…" she points… "He's a genius?..."

"Yes…Unequivocally… " I nod…


	11. Chapter 11

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXII…

Stuart Bloom's sister's home…Front porch, where Stuart and I awaited our fates…In the form of Leonard's car pulling up…My friends emerging, along with my nemesis, Charlotte…Looking quietly triumphant…

"Sheldon…" Amy, eyeing me rather coolly as she came up to me…A brief cheek peck… "I won't ask for an explanation…I just want you to say whether you'll come back or not, now…." Steadily grim look…

Slight movement of eyes to side belying her stance…

Pon my soul, Amy Farrah Fowler…You are not only a fine actress, every bit as good as TV's Blossom, the actress Raj and Howard always claim resembles you…But I would swear by that twinkle in the corner of your lovely brown eye, you are starting to enjoy this…

You wicked woman , you…

Meanwhile the truly wicked, if rather pathetic in her way, Charlotte had also reached me, keeping right behind her sister…Equally grim look…

"Dr. Cooper…I can't say I'm very impressed with your behavior these last two days…" she said, quietly… "But if my sister is willing to overlook it, I'll say no more…" narrow stare…But, with Amy in front, Stuart busy speaking to his sister just inside the house, and the others behind, coming up, she felt free to indulge…Putting her tongue out iand about n rather daringly languid fashion…Immediately resuming solemn expression…

"Sheldon…What the hell did you think you were doing?..." Leonard, behind Charlotte, moving up… "Don't you know how worried Amy was?...All of us?..."

"I did what I felt I had to do…" spoke I… "I do want to say that Stuart and Penny were in no way to blame…And Amy, I am sorry if I worried you…"

"I just need to know if you're coming back now…And are willing to attend the party tonight…" Amy replied, solemnly…

"Of course…" I nodded… "I never intended to miss it…"

"Sheldon, we have a few questions…" Leonard began…Amy putting up a hand…

"No, we don't, Leonard…I said I only wanted to know if Sheldon would come back and I meant it…He can explain things to me later when he's ready…Lets go…"

I nodded again…But couldn't resist an urge to scratch where Howard's wire was chaffing the skin on my upper torso…Quickly refraining as Charlotte focused on me again after a glance to Amy…

"Stuart…Thanks for accommodating me last night and today…And thanks to your sister…" I raised a grateful hand to my ally…Who nodded…

"No problem…Amy, I'm sorry I lied but…" he began…

"My fault…" I cut in… "I asked him to keep my presence secret until I was ready…"

"This is not nearly good enough, Sheldon!…" Leonard, annoyed… "You put us all through hell…!"

"Leonard, I asked you to drop it…" Amy, firmly… "I appreciate your help last night but it's done and lets leave it at that…Stuart, we'll see you and your family tonight…Thank you for looking after Sheldon…" she waved over at his sister, solemn-looking genius niece, and nephew…

"Leonard, leave this to Amy and Sheldon…" Penny chimed in…

"Arrggh…I don't believe this…" Leonard frowned…Stalking back to his car…Jerking door open…Plopping furiously into seat…Waiting…

"Nor do I…" Charlotte, taking the opportunity of whispering to my ear as the others watched Leonard…

Yes, swipe of tongue accompanying, as I jumped back…She walking to Amy, tender smile…

As I expected…Charlotte refused to allow Amy and myself a moment alone once back, under the aegis of solemn care of her sister's welfare as we returned to the hotel…Several additional rooms already booked for after the evening's festivities…

Penny for her part staying behind with me as Amy went to finally take a shower and change to a robe while her rather battered costume was freshly laundered and pressed…Refusing in turn to allow Charlotte a moment with me…Though awaiting my signal to leave us alone…Bernadette heading for her room, to be shared with Penny, for a much needed nap, still looking rather troubled…

Not quite the time yet to be alone with my nemesis, I knew…Charlotte suspected something was up and despite her daring, would not likely try anything too dangerous unless and until relatively sure she controlled the situation…

But to my surprise…And Penny's…Once Amy had left, she took a brief leave…Wishing, she claimed, to attend to her affairs by phone and with our leave, take shower and change in her room, her costume being one of those Stuart had brought for us to my apartment…

In fact, as we'd known…The same witch's outfit…The sisters Fowler wishing to form a matching set owing to a bit of family lore concerning a famous relative…Their grandmother's Margaret's cousin, her identical twin in appearance and first name…A rather famed actress, noted for use of the costume in her most famous role, that of the Wicked Witch of the West in "The Wizard of Oz"…Margaret Hamilton…

A family history of which the sisters were understandably proud…Though which Amy had only told me and the others of a few months before...It being a bit of a two-edged sword in terms of pride and slight…Sometimes having led to the occasional sneering remark in childhood…And a legacy their mother strongly preferred to disavow…Not wishing to be reminded anew of her daughters' failure to live up to their parents' expectations…At least until Charlotte had achieved what their mother strangely took for beauty…

Odd…To leave me with the opportunity to speak with Penny alone…Perhaps with Amy as well?...Hmmn…

After a quick sweep of the room for possible surveillance devices, I turned to Penny who'd cooperated in the search as best she could…I indicating the need for low vocal levels…

"Amy is all right?..." I hissed…

"Yeah…Not quite sure of all what's up, but she understands the situation…At least as much as I do…" Penny sighed…

"I have to get the 'goods', as they say, on Charlotte…She'll never leave us in peace unless I do…" I noted…Pulling my shirt down to reveal Howard's wire…

"Will even that stop her?..." Penny hissed…

"She has a reputation to maintain with her patients, her publishers, and above all, her reading and television public…If I can get her on tape admitting to trying to force me to be with her and breaking us up…Amy will have the proof and we can force Charlotte to leave us alone for fear of exposure…Plus there are a lot of lawsuits just waiting for hard evidence on her…She is vulnerable…If we can trap her…What about Leonard?..."

"I don't know…" Penny, downcast suddenly… Tears welling… "I thought sure he'd come round when I asked him to be with me…But…"

I rolled eyes…Time and place, girl… "Penny…Don't take this the wrong way, I'm grateful for all your help but please put your personal problems on hold and focus here…"

"Sheldon…" she hissed, annoyed… "That's not what I call gratitude…I'm hurtin' here…"

"And Charlotte is ready to use that…That's why she went after Leonard, to deprive me of your help…"

"So…" faint smile… "For once you admit you need my help…"

"For Amy's sake, yes…" I noted…

She stared a moment…And burst into tears…

Oh, Lord… "Penny, what is it now?..."

"You're making Charlotte's lies come true you know that?..." she sighed…Wiping eyes…

"What?..."

"Nothing…Forget it…I mean that…" she eyed me a long moment…Then suddenly kissed me…I jumping back…

"Forget that too…I mean it…" she said, eyeing me…

My Lord, it is tough to be a stud…

"Hello, Howard…" Charlotte, not yet changed, bright smile…Standing outside the hotel room my treasured acquaintance was sharing with Raj and Leonard… "Might I have a word?..."

He regarded her carefully…She'd been waiting for him?...

"Please…As one of Sheldon's friends…I need your opinion…Monsieur…" pleasant grin…

Hmmn…

On the one hand…My duty to learn all I can about the enemy's plans…

On the other…My God, what will Bernie say?...Should she ever find out?...

And yet, booty…Er, duty does call…

"Mademoiselle…I am at your service…" he bowed slightly…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXIII…

There is a time in every man or woman's life, gentle reader when she or he will be tested to the very limits and beyond of his/her moral and physical being…Such a time now befell my treasured acquaintance, one Howard Wolowitz…

In the form of a supremely "hot" yet elegantly "cool" female personification of Evil, namely my could-be sister-in-law, Charlotte Magdalena Fowler…Who currently gazed upon him with benign grace and ethereal beauty…Having deliberately lain in wait for him in the hallway after leaving me and Penny…Deducing brilliantly that he was not only the most likely person besides Penny to have secured confidential information from me, but that he was, in his way, the more vulnerable of my two confidantes among our group…

And of course his having been earlier closeted with Stuart, who had been revealed as my benefactor of the previous night, didn't hurt…

Though, given Howard Wolowitz and his desperate attempts at overcompensation, one could forgive Charlotte for any uncertainty as to the reason for said "closeting"…But in any case she was determined to learn if the randy little fellow knew anything useful…And had, with her usual skill, sized him up (pardon if I emit a brief guffaw at my "little" joke…Guffaw…Thank you)…

Not forgetting that her posting in the hallway allowed her to maintain a watch on my beloved Amy, currently attempting to clean up and rest after the harrowing events of the past day…Poor lamby…Though in fact her spirit, buoyed by my return and the secret, if silent proof of my faith to her, was rather soaring at the moment…Indeed, she'd even rather come to find this joust with her sister a bit stimulating…Leading to an eager shower rendition of "Tonight"…

I've been a witness in recent months to such renditions…They're a treat, gentle one…

But as to my treasured acquaintance…Howard maintaining cautious reserve could not help but enjoy the presence of the divine Frenchified goddess beaming upon his slight frame…

He's rather more used to such women eyeing him nervously and backing away or summoning aggressively tall and muscular boyfriends….

"Howard…May I speak frankly with you?...As someone who knows Sheldon and the world well…?" she offered an arm which he took and they began strolling up the hallway, slowly…

One can forgive Wolowitz enjoying the prospect of being seen arm-in-arm with Charlotte, even if only in a short hotel corridor…The poor fellow has not had many opportunities like this in his…Short, Bazinga…life…

"Certainly, Charlotte…" attempt at man-of-the-world nod (I'm sure of it, knowing Howard well)…Suave tone…

"You know I'm only concerned for my poor sister and her future…And Sheldon's behavior must give even his closest friends pause…"

"If he had any…"

"What?..."

"Nothing…Just kidding…I really think it's up to Amy to make her own choice…No offense…"

"None taken…But Howard…You know what the world is like and how vulnerable a girl so sheltered as Amy has been can be…Do you really believe I can trust Sheldon after all that's happened…?"

"All I can do, madame…" smile… "Is promise that I will keep a close eye on our couple and if Sheldon should behave badly, do whatever I can to help Amy…"

"I see…Well that is kind, Howard…But not enough, in my view…I have to be sure Amy will be safe…"

"Well, Charlotte…" Howard paused…Attempting his deepest, most manly man-of-the-world tone… "Life is not safe…"

"No…It's not…And betrayal and hurt are everywhere…And I mean to see my sister does not encounter them, if I can help it…Howard, I need to know what Sheldon is up to, if I may be even franker with you…" stern look…

"I'm not sure what you mean, Charlotte…" they resumed their stroll…She pressing them on a bit…

"No?...That is too bad…But in fact I think you do, Howard…" she paused, eyeing him… "I think he's spoken to you…Or that friend of his, Stuart, has…And told you whatever story he intends to tell my poor Amy…And I would like to know what he's said and what he intends to do…"

"I'm afraid I don't know, Charlotte…Sheldon's not usually the type to confide in people, particularly me…Though I do believe his relationship with Amy is close…"

"Howard…" Edge to voice, closing in… "What did he say or have Stuart say to you?...And what is he up to?..." boring eyes upon his, lightest touch of lavender perfume…Her hand gently but firmly grasping his…

"You and I have a common bond, Howard…We've been hurt by the world, many times…I sense it…And that your friends have often let you down…"

"Charlotte…Please…"

"I won't let anyone hurt my sister…Even if she doesn't care and doesn't care for me…"

"Charlotte?...Amy loves you very much…I don't think you know how much…"

"She's had an interesting way of showing it…Leaving me alone all these years…Only coming to see me when Mother forced her to…" cool tone… "But I forgive her and defend her interests…And my own…As you should yours…Poor Howard…"

"Are you…Threatening me, Charlotte?..." he stared at her…She dropped his hand…Hard stare…

"Certainly not…Though if I felt I had to…" cool smile…Tugging urge to continue their stroll, which was resumed… "I merely point out that you have your own romantic tragedy here…And that I feel for you, having been the outsider and, there, myself…"

"What?...Charlotte…I don't understand you…And Sheldon and some of my friends may not respect me, but he is my friend…I can't help you here…"

"Your friends have betrayed you…And Amy doesn't deserve you sacrificing yourself for her…"

"Sacrificing?..." Howard being Howard, he'd skipped over to the key word of self-interest…

"In a figurative sense, of course…" smile suggesting anything but "figurative"…

"And what 'betrayed'?...Lady, may I be frank?...You're a bit of a psycho, if you ask me…And I would prefer it if you left my friends alone…"

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Howard…" cold tone… "Though it is true…I can be quite 'psycho' in defense of my family or my interests…But why do you deny what's so obvious…?"

"What's 'so obvious'?...Look, Charlotte…Sheldon and Amy are in love and getting married…I'm glad for them, much as I can't believe it…It's a rather bizarre miracle but it is a miracle and I think your sister is, hard as it is to believe, a lucky girl…I can't say more but Sheldon loves her and he is a good man, at least where she's concerned…"

"I agree…" she smiled, halting by her room door…He staring…

"He's passed the tests I set for him, Howard…I know what he's told you all about my approaches and all that…I merely needed to see if he was true Fowler material…And he has, perhaps a bit oddly, but truly, proven himself worthy…And what truly matters to me is he loved Amy even with all her outward deficiencies…Few can see past the exterior…I imagine you've found that to be very true…"

"Thanks…Yeah…" dry tone… "So you're saying all this was a 'test' for Sheldon…To prove he was a fit mate for your sister?..."

"For Amy?..." brittle chuckle… "Hardly…" cold stare… "I mean for me…"

"Charlotte…?"

"Howard?..." smile… "I'm being quite frank with you, I hope you respect that…"

"So…" he eyed her carefully… "You really are gunning for Sheldon?...You want him?..."

"I deserve him…" she said, coldly… "Amy's had everything all these years and I, nothing…I'm entitled to a Sheldon Cooper and I can keep him where she's sure to fail in the end…"

"Lady, you are crazy…" he shook his head…

"What about yourself, mother's boy?..." she cooed…Grasping his head again, tight grip… "You're lying to yourself about Bernadette…I know you know about her and Raj…Trying to make yourself believe someone truly loves you, little man…Little fool…I know you…" she pulled him close…Kissed him…

"Help me and I'll make it worth your while…" she said, grimly… "I rather enjoy the kinky, so it will be interesting, even for me…Come on, Howard…You've suffered this world's abuse as I have…Lets take our revenge on the liars and hypocrites who've played us for fools…"

He pulled back…Dizzy from the testosterone surge, no doubt…But a loyal…Friend (Promotion implied, yes)…

"I don't know what you're talking about…And I don't enjoy hurting my friends, even if they may not always show the same courtesy…Excuse me, Charlotte…"

Ohhh…He groaned as she grabbed his neck, twisting…

"Did you forget I'm a neurologist, little man?..." she sneered… "First lesson, Howard…No one says no to me…Not you…And especially not Dr. Sheldon Cooper…" she dragged him to the door, limp, and opening, threw him in…

I emerge with reasonable caution from my room with Penny in tow…No Charlotte in hall watching for me or Amy…No signs of surveillance equipment…Though I avoid for now getting in range of her room's door…Halting…

Ow…Penny stumbling into me, in typically bovine Midwestern fashion…I manage to repress a yelp…Though once again, my poor elbow is the victim of assault…

"Aren't you going to her room?..." Penny hisses…

"I can't just go knocking…She'd know I was up to something…I have to let her entrap me…"

"Well, are we just gonna wait out here?...Maybe we should go over to Amy's room and speak with her…She wants to know the details in any case…"

I ponder…Hmmn…

The details of the case are the problem here…

"I want to get the evidence first, then I'll reveal all to Amy Farrah Fowler…"

"…Fowler-Cooper…" Penny, slight grin… "She told me you'd agreed that was the way she'd do it…"

"It does have a nice ring to it…" I agree… "You'd better see if you can find Leonard and work out your little problem with him…I think I will have to mount post here and wait for Charlotte…"

"That's no good, she finds you waiting out here?...Why don't we go down stairs and find the bar…She's been there, she's sure to come down…Besides, she's been trying to paint you as some kind of closet sex perv lush…Meeting you there would probably be exactly what she wants…"

"Sex what…?" I stare… Still, not a bad idea, all-in-all…

"Leonard'll probably wander down there too, looking for her…She sang her way into his heart there, last night…" Penny sighed, downcast look… "She was good, too…Really good…"

Interesting…Both Fowler girls musically talented, my Amy being an excellent harpist and piano player, with the voice of an angel…

Within a certain narrow vocal range…

Yes, a bar…Where my nemesis will initially be constrained by social convention, yet open to being plied with alcohol…Until she, in typical supervillain fashion, spills her guts in a ego-driven monologue…

Perfect…

"Howard, ma petite?..." gentle call…

Ohhh…Howard had come to after Charlotte's little Vulcan-style nerve pinch…

Finding himself resting on a cushion just off her hotel bed mattress, arms and legs secured to the corners by leather and foam cushion strappings, plastic ball in mouth held by leather strap preventing speech or cries…

"There you are…" Charlotte, now in her witch's costumed glory, glided over to his head…He staring…

"I hope you're comfortable…Those straps are the best in France…A gift, a bit involuntarily, from a former President…" she beamed, patting him gently… "A true expert in sexuality, though unfortunately for him he had some Vichy skeletons in his closet…Poor fellow, though he was allowed to retire from politics in good reputation…Howard, I do want you to know there's nothing anti-Semitic in what I'm about to do…Amy and I are part-Jewish, via our Gran Maggie's favorite husband, Leonard…Just wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression, dearest…" Pat…

He struggled a bit, looking round, pulling at the straps…

"Sorry I can't let you speak freely right now…But you can communicate by moving your eyes at this keyboard screen…" she snapped a metal collar around his neck from which projected a light metal frame holding a 6X8 wafer-thin screen… "As a engineer, I'm sure you can appreciate the elegance of the design…The frame moves with your head to compensate so that the readouts are as accurate as…"

He eyed the screen and she glanced at the screen of her laptop on the dressing bureau to the left of the bed…

"Hmmn…Yes, we've already established that you believe I'm "…one crazy f-ing psycho…" Howard…" she smiled at him… "The question is, how far are you willing to test that hypothesis?..."

New words on screen…

"Your friends might believe you…Yes…" she nodded to him… "But given your reputation…And I did my research very thoroughly on all of you long before I came, Howard…I think even they will have doubts…And if I claim you forced yourself on me…Raped me…I did take the liberty of securing a sperm sample already, by the way…Who will doubt lovable me over the notorious libertine…From several of whose harassed female victims I've already acquired statements…You have quite a reputation, Mr. Wolowitz…Now, come, Howard…" she sat by him…He eyeing her…

"I've only a few simple questions…And all you have to do is tell me the truth…"

She looked over to the laptop screen as he eyed his…

"You're a devoted friend…" she smiled at him… "But these people don't deserve such self-sacrifice…You know what little regard and respect they have for you…And two of them have betrayed your poor heart…It's not worth it, Howard…And I want to be your friend, a better, I assure you, than any of them…I wasn't lying before…We do have so much in common…I could see us becoming very…Close…" she stroked his forehead…Eyeing the screen…

"Yes…I want Sheldon…But there's no reason we couldn't enjoy some sort of extra-curricular relationship, you and I…" she smiled… "Howard, Bernadette has betrayed you and abandoned you…Humiliated you…And I understand you…How all the nonsense and posing simply conceals your desperate, lonely heart…I understand how killing loneliness and the scorn of others can be for we who must remake ourselves to be allowed to 'fit-in'…Let me be your friend, Howard…"

Sigh at screen…

"Howard…" she pinched at her nose with thumb and forefinger… "I don't want to make this unpleasant…But you have to understand this is very important for me…I must not let Amy take the one man who could love us for ourselves, without all this…" she indicated her lovely self… "…false front…She doesn't deserve him…I'm his equal, not her…It's a fact, I've an IQ of 189…And I need him…He's my last chance, Howard…My last chance to be happy in this life…"

"I disagree…" she eyed the laptop screen…Turning back to smile at Howard…Now engaged in trying to see if the footstraps might have a little 'give'… "I can make Sheldon love me…Believe me, in a few weeks he'll forget Amy ever existed…But to take him, I need your help…Help me, Howard and I can help you…Perhaps, even…If you want her…Help you get Bernadette back…It wouldn't be difficult to eliminate Raj by seducing him or even just having him deported…I could do that for you, with pleasure, Howard…If…You'd just help me, now…" winsome smile, touch of forehead…

"'It does…nt…Mather?...' Oh, you meant 'matter', sorry…" she noted, reading… 'if Bernie doesn't love me…I love her…' Howard, that is so sweet…But I wish you'd consider your own interests here…And how your time, little man…" she pulled an egg-timing hourglass from the folds of her costume…And flipping it, regarding the sand running out from the top… "…is running out…You have till that sand at top is gone, Howard…About ten minutes…And then things start to get…Less pleasant…" she rose and went to her bag on the dresser, next to the laptop…

"I love scented candles during romantic interludes, don't you?..." she cooed, pulling several candles out…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXIV…

"When love comes in…And takes you for a spin…Ooooh…La, la, la…It's…Magnificient…" screeching sound…

Oh, Lord…I put hands to forehead…As several bar patrons stare at Penny's attempt to duplicate Charlotte's rendition of the other night…I reluctantly on piano at her somewhat now inebriated insistence…

"When…Every night…Your…" sob… "…Loved one…" sob…As my and several patrons' heads begin to throb… "Holds ya…Tight…" weeping…

"Penny…I think we're done…" I rise, taking microphone from her hand…Fortunately, unplugged microphone…

"Applause…" I grimly stare out over the half-dozen patrons… "Unless you'd like more, of course?..."

Sudden nervous burst of applause…

"You were wonderful…" I pat her hand… "Now, lets just have a seat and watch for the others…"

"Thank you…" Penny, slight, wobbly bow… "Sheldon, I want to die…" she whispers…Letting me lead her from the piano…

"No, you don't…Penny…I may have limited respect for most of your 'abilities'…But I have always admired your persistence…Whether in continuing to mooch food and services from us after breaking up with Leonard…Or continuing to keep some doorway open with him, even in the time of the dark one…"

Priya, I explain to her stare… "And I mean that strictly in regard to her nature…"

"…Right…" wobbly nod… "Thanks…"

I sit her down and she resumes sobbing…On my shoulder, to my dismay…

"I've lost him to your…Neme…whatever…"

"Nemesis…No, you haven't…Charlotte doesn't want him…"

She raises head to glare at me…

What?...

"What does that matter?...He wants her…He had her…And even after I gave it all I had…" she looks round the bar… "He hasn't come…"

"Penny, if I know Leonard Hofstadter…And he's not very complicated a personality…He's in his room right now, trying to make sense of everything…Especially your sudden assault…"

"Are you sayin' I should go up to him?..." she regards me…

"Not just right now…" I suggest… "Perhaps after…"

"Another drink?...Hey, barkeep!..." she waves… "'nother one here!..."

"Coffee might be better just now…You having already had five of those…" I suggest…

"Whatsit matter..." she sighs… "I've lost him…And Charlotte don't even want him…And Amy's gonna lose you…"

"Say what?..." the divine voice of my beloved…Back in freshly laundered costume and on the arm of one Hofstadter, likewise in costume…As a debonair nineteenth century gentleman, complete with cape and top hat…Surprisingly debonair, in fact…

Yes…I did frown at that on his arm thing…Make that annoying debonair…

"Time's down to about three minutes, Howard…" Charlotte noted, eyeing the egg-timer hourglass… "And as I see no one on their way to rescue you, poor lamb…I would suggest you agree to cooperate…"

"Howard…The 'f-ing psycho…' is becoming a bit redundant…" sigh at screen… "Now…" she tightened each of the leather straps attached to hands and feet in turn… "When I pull the cushion out…Not only is the strain going to be quite painful…But the burning candles I've placed under you will be very hard to avoid…And as I loosen the straps…Ever so slightly at each question you fail to answer…They will become impossible to avoid…Searing that poor pale flesh of yours…Now why do you want to make a fine doctor like me do that to you?..."

"One minute, I'd say…Be reasonable, Howard…I've only a few simple questions…"

Knock…He stared…She stared…

"Damn…" hiss… "Excuse me a moment…" she went into the living room of the suite, closing door…

"Hello, Bernadette…" her voice reached him from the other room as he made a desperate effort to struggle loose…While avoiding the candles burning at four points around him…The cushion still under him keeping him more or less safely above their flames…

"No, haven't seen him…" Charlotte's gentle reply to Bernadette's too faint to make out question… "Did you try Sheldon's room?...Or perhaps the lounge downstairs?..."

Think engineer…We've had to get out of worse situations…Metal handcuffs then …Self-inflicted…Just to see how it would be done if we ever got the chance…Not to mention my robot arm…

How did we do it last time with the cuffs?...Ah, right…The bed can only take so much strain…Apply force at each point…He pulled on each strap…

C'mon…Only a hotel bed…Uhhhnnn…

Nope…Wait…The screen…He started shaking head from side to side…The frame rattling back and forth…

If I can just get it loose…Before Bernie leaves…Get it to crash on the floor…

The frame flopped to the left…But screen remained locked in…Hmmn…

"I'll see you all in a bit…" Charlotte's gentle call…Close of hallway door…

"Howard?...Have we been naughty?..." she eyed him…And the screen, flopped in its frame to the side…

"Gone and dislodged your eye muscle sensors as well, eh?...Well, just let me put them right and we can begin…Time's up, by the way…" gentle smile…

"Are you drunk?..." Leonard stares at Penny…Not neglecting the opportunity to sweep his cape a bit…

"No…" she frowns…Then beams… "Oh, God, you look so pretty, Leonard…" rising…

"Lost you?..." Amy stares at me…Anxiety tensing her face…I put up hands, cautiously…

Not a chance, my wiccan goddess…

"Penny, stop…" Leonard emitting distress call as Penny grabs him…

"Oh, Leonard…I love you so much…"

"So…" Amy sits by me… "Have you anything to report?..."

"Well, not so…" She grabs at me in turn, kissing…

"Careful…" I gasp… "I'm wearing a 'wire'…"

"Is that a sexual reference I'm unfamiliar with?..." she pauses…

"No…Howard…Surveillance thing…" I choke out…

"Oh…" she nods…Hesitating…

"Doesn't mean I want you to stop…" I note…

"Oh, look at them…Lets get married with them, Leonard…" Penny, looking over…

"Huh…?" he blinks…

"After you go and tell that French bitch…" hic…"… she'd better back off, if she knows what's good…" hic… "…fer her…" hic-hic… "Oh, Lenny…" embrace… "I knew you'd come…Lets go upstairs…" she grabs at him…

"I second the motion…" Amy gasps out… "But Charlotte is only a naturalized French bitch…"

"Huh?..." Leonard, true to form, repeats…

"Has the party started?..." Raj, just reaching us, blinking…


	12. Chapter 12

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXV…

Penny having released Leonard and I having moved off with Amy Farrah Fowler to make the most of our possibly brief non-Charlotte time, Hofstadter had managed to find time to be bemused by my conversation of the previous ten minutes…

"What was that about a wire?..." he stared, at Raj, then Penny…Who to her credit despite a rather heavy dose of alcohol avoided spilling her guts and the details of my plan…

"Sex thing…" she noted…Now attempting to carry off perfect sobriety…An acting performance at which she failed…However, failed to such an extent that Leonard's concern for her outweighed his curiosity at my latest "antics"…So, in a sense I must concede that she succeeded, by failing…

"Was it?..." Raj, proceeding to do his best to atone for Penny's success…

"Yeah…" curt reply, she frowning at him…

Moron…And Priya brother…

Not to mention…God, everyone but poor Howard…And maybe Leonard know what's going on, bucko…

Deeper frown, Raj realizing its intent…Slight gulp…

"I see…" croak…

So much for several years' progress in overcoming his shyness with women, or at least with Penny…

"We better get you back to your room…The party's in three hours, you'll need to sleep a little of this off…" Leonard urged… "C'mon, lets go…"

"He's got me…It's fine…" she eyed Raj…

Perhaps no quite so drunk as she now made out…Clever girl on certain levels, really…

"What's that you're humming?..." Leonard, pulling her along as she leaned on him…

"C'est magnifique…" she smiled at him, getting it perfect…

Mutual gasp as we unlocked our lips…

I believe we've set a new record there…Must look it up…

"Is there really a need to face Charlotte?..." Amy, still gasping a bit… "I understand what she's tried to do, Sheldon…It's her old behavior pattern…"

"I have to have the proof…And force her to leave us alone…For good…" I note…

"I see…" pause… "Sheldon, my dearest one?...Is there anything you need to tell me?..." careful look…

"After I speak to Charlotte…" I insist… "Please, Amy…I don't want anything spoiling us…"

"All right…" sigh… "But just know I trust you and I know my sister…Sad, pathetic thing…I'd so hoped she'd changed…But she's never forgiven me for not joining her in France or helping her get away…But, moon-pie?..."

I regard her solemn face…

"Nail the bitch's hide to the wall for me…I don't want anything spoiling us either…" beam…

"And don't underestimate her, Sheldon…" stern look…And in that witch's outfit, rather frightening one…

"Though if you can avoid hurting her too much, I'd appreciate it…"

"So Mr. Wolowitz…Are we really to talk?..." Charlotte asked…Hand on cushion…

"Howard, that's just rude…" she frowned at the readjusted screen…Pulling cushion…Howard gasping…

"I know it hurts, my sweet…" she stroked his head… "But if you'd just agree to answer my questions, honestly…It would all be over…"

Knock…

"Oh…Dieu…We can't seem to get any private time here…" she rose…Closing door…

Hmmn…Howard tried to eye the burning candles as he hung from the straps without the cushion in place…

Perhaps best to make use of the materials at hand, like a true MIT graduate…He began jiggling all four limbs…

Ow…Ow…Ow…Not good…Not good…Oh, my mother is going to have this bitch for brisket…There…One caught on flame…And is about to set my hand on fire…

Come on, little flame…Burn the strap not the hand…OW!...

"Leonard?..." Charlotte eyed him at the door…

"Charlotte, we need to talk…"

"There's no need…" she shrugged… "You're back with Penny and I'm out of the picture…I'll survive, but thank you for your consideration…" she started to shut the door…

"Now wait a minute…" he stopped her… "I don't know about Penny and me, but that's not what I'm here about…What's going on with you and Sheldon?..."

"I'm doing my best to prove to my sister he's not a worthy mate…I thought that was clear…Now I'm very tired, Leonard…No hard feelings…See you at the party…" she moved to close the door…

"Charlotte?...Everything all right?..." Howard's cheery voice…

Lets see…Bow tie secure…

Cufflinks…Check…

Dust off that bit of dander…Yes, tux a perfect fit…

And Wolowitz wire secure…

I eye myself in mirror of my room…

Cooper…Arch eyebrows…

Sheldon Cooper…

Must admit I'd had my doubts when Amy Farrah Fowler insisted Bond was my look…

But Lord…Daniel Craig look out…You have been replaced…

Yes…Time to attend Charlotte Goldfinger's 'presentation'…Pull at sleeves…

"Just stopped by at Charlotte's invite for a little drink…" Howard noted to Leonard, maintaining hearty air…As Charlotte eyed him…

A hair flustered but immediately overcoming it…Clearly something up here…

Leonard as always, utterly befuddled…

"Howard?..." he stared…

"Hey…What can I say?..." grin… "Our guest was feeling a tad depressed after you and Penny seemed to be rehitching…And you know things with Bernadette aren't going along these days…"

"Howard…?" Leonard repeated…

Typical…

"Yes, Howard's been very kind and consoling…" Charlotte, narrow look at him after brief beaming smile for Leonard's benefit…

"But I should be going…" Howard, moving to door, stepping out… "Lots to do yet…See you at the party, Charlotte…" peck on cheek…

"F-you, bitch…" faintest of whispers… "Hey, lets be off…" pat to Leonard's shoulder…

"Howard, wait…!" Charlotte pulled at his arm… Kissing him firmly on lips…Releasing his startled form…

"We'll see each other again soon, little man…" she whispered…Harshly…

Clearly indicating the kiss being one of Death…

"Save a dance for me, Howard…" audible to Leonard, lightly casual tone…

"What?..." Hofstadter, making his usual epic contribution…As the door closed…

"What can I say?..." Howard shrugged… "I guess she viewed me as sympatico…" he regarded Leonard's puzzled, annoyed stare… "Lets go, I have to get my costume on…"

Sound of breaking glass…Stomping feet…

"Is she all right?..." Leonard asked…Staring at the door…

"I have that effect on women…" Howard beamed… "But she'll be fine…Come on…"

"Anything wrong?..." Leonard eyed him as he rubbed his wrist…

"Oh, it's just a burn I picked up from a candle…" he noted…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXVI…

For this scene, it would be well, gentle reader, to imagine Strauss' "Perpetual Motion" playing constantly in the background…

A thoroughly befuddled Hofstadter, in appropriate for my musical selection, nineteenth century Viennese gentleman's outfit, having left my friend (promotion approved)Howard Wolowitz at his room to recover from what he was trying to accept as a possible romantic encounter with my could-be sister-in-law and queen of the damned, Charlotte Magdalena Fowler…Stood in the hotel corridor trying to vainly puzzle out the events of the past two days…

And accept that, once again, he had managed to somehow blow a new relationship within record time…While, on the other hand, his beloved Penny, had, as the saying goes, come back to him after he'd long set her free…Indeed, she'd been rather disappointed a few minutes before, back at her room, at his insistence that immediate coitus was not the best of ideas given her drunken condition…

He looks to see me now emerging from the room I was to share with him…Thoroughly elegant in my Bond tux, I nod in greeting… "Herr Hofstadter…Everything well on the Ringstrasse?..."

"Sheldon?...You look surprisingly good…Are you off to show Amy?..."

"In a bit…First I was wondering if you'd seen Charlotte?..."

"Charlotte?..." Leonard stares…

"French by naturalization, tall, willowy…My sister-in-law, if all goes well…"

"I know who she is, Sheldon…She was in her room when I met Howard there…Are you going to see her?..."

"One never knows…" I, enigmatically… "What was that about Howard?..." I, now a bit puzzled…

"He was at…"

"Someone ask for me?..." Howard emerges from his room…In Zorro costume, complete with mask …And sword…

Which understandably, given his recent portable torture chamber session with Charlotte, he grasps with considerable comfort…

Next time we meet, witch from Hell by Paris, I am armed…

"You were at Charlotte's?..." I ask, cautiously…Not wishing to let any information pass to Hofstadter which might…Inadvertently, during his next romp with my twisted sister-in-law…Be then passed on…

"What can I say…?" Howard, rather determined to milk this one at Charlotte's expense…Payback's a bitch, witch bitch… "The lady was a bit down after Penny reclaimed her prize…" He eyes me carefully…Clearly wishing to impart information…However…

"Howard?..." Bernadette, emerging from her room with Amy… "You were what, with whom…?"

Bernadette, lovely in Glinda costume, by the way…Witches having been chosen as the ladies' theme given the Fowler girls' nostalgic fondness for their greataunt's character…

Though at the moment her wand appeared more as a threatening weapon…

"What were you doing at Charlotte's room…?" she demands…Wand poking at him… "What's going on?..."

"Who's at Charlotte's room?..." Amy emerges from the room…In her witch's outfit, naturally… "Did Sheldon go to see …Oh…" she gasps, catching sight of me…

Oh…Her sexual arousal clearly indicated…Stud, as I told you…

"He does look good…Nice choice, Amy…" Bernadette notes… "Howard, what were you doing with Charlotte…?"

"Not now, Bernie…" Howard, insistent… "Sheldon, a word?..."

"I should be going too…" I note…Moving to Howard…

"The bitch has flipped…" he whispers, hastily… "She tried to make me talk in her room…I'm talking torture session…"

"Howard!...I'm talking to you!…Leonard, what was he doing with Charlotte?..." Bernadette turns on the hapless Hofstadter… "Why did you let him go there?..."

"Me?...I just went over there and found him…There…With Charlotte…"

"Leonard?..." Penny's voice…She turns the corridor, looking a bit bedraggled in her Blue Fairy from Pinocchio costume…Wig, buttons and ribbons askew… "You went to Charlotte's room?...Why did you go to Charlotte's?..." despairing tone…Hic…

"Penny?...You should be resting…" Leonard…

"After I kill the Snow Queen bitch from Paris and get the splinter outta yer hart…" she insists, wobbly turn…

"What?..." he stares…

"Sheldon?..." she calls, waiting, wobbly…

"The Snow Queen…" I note… "A rather Grim fairy tale by Hans Christian Anderson about an evil sorceress/queen who steals away a girl's young playmate after putting a splinter from her ice mirror in his heart to turn him away from the girl…She rather feministically becomes the heroine, hunting them down in a world-wide chase…"

"Ri'…" Penny, staggering… "Now 'cuse me while I kill the bitch and use pliers to get that splinter out…"

"Penny…" Leonard goes to her…

"The splinter would be in Leonard, not her…" I note, calling…

"Won' stop me from using pliers on her…" she calls back…Heading down the corridor, Leonard in pursuit…

"Are you going to Charlotte now?..." Amy, at my side…

"I'll use the pretext that we must have this out, before the party…" I explain… "And we must…"

"Howard?..." Bernadette, glaring…

"Later, Bernie…" he eyes her…Rather sternly… "We have a lot to discuss…Later…Sheldon!...Be careful!..." call to me…I nodding, with Bondian cool…

Bernadette backing down a bit…Guilt creeping up…

"Amy!...A hand here!..." Leonard calls from the corridor corner…

"My love protect you, darling…" Amy, kissing me fervently… "But if I don't hear from you in twenty minutes, I'm coming with Penny and her pliers…" She hurried off to assist Leonard…Penny's voice a bit slurring insisting that she would be "…jest fine…After she killed the bitch…"

I set out…As Raj emerges from his room, in costume, bearing his laptop on which can be seen his frowning mother and father by satellite link…

"So here is everyone in their costumes for the party…Everyone, say hi to mummie and daddy…" he places laptop on floor, angling for the best view…

"Hey…" chorus of voices…

"Raj…" Howard, frowning… "I thought we agreed I'd be Zorro…"

"So you are…The Antonio Banderas version…And I am…" Raj, pulling bandana down over forehead… "The authentic Douglas Fairbanks Sr. version…Have at thee, sconderel…" pulls sword…

Howard, narrow look…

I been pushed just about to the breaking edge this day, buddy…He pulls sword…

Bernadette realizing he's not quite play-acting…

"Rajesh!...Be careful with that thing!..." his mother exclaims on screen…

"Where's the bride to be…?" his father calls… "And when will you be bringing us a nice girl?...Preferably Indian…"

"Enjoy taking my place, do we?..." Howard, sword drawn, closing on Raj who remains blissfully unaware…

But I have more important matters and a true nemesis to confront…Just hope Wolowitz charged the battery on this thing…

"Careful with those swords, boys!...Aren't they rubber?..." Raj's mother calls from the screen…

"Nothing but cold steel for the Zorros…" Raj, rather happily…

"Oh…Yeah…" Howard, grimly…Closing in…

"Uh-boy…" Bernadette, sighing…Eyeing…

"Howard?...How did you get that burn?..."

"Penny?...Will you stop!..." Leonard's voice… "Penny…" Amy's soothing attempts…

"Gonna kill that bitch!...Oh, Leonard…Why did you go back to her room?..." sigh…

"Howard, is anything wrong, dude?..." Raj, a bit nervous at Howard's grim look…And rather good fencing pose…

Corridor elevator opens…A beaming Stuart in my "Harry Lime" outfit…

"Hey, guys…" cheery wave…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXVII…

Refusing Stuart's kind offer of support…Though agreeing that he would remain as close as possible to monitor the situation, I proceeded to bear the lioness in her den of iniquity…

Meanwhile, in the corridor outside Raj and Howard's room…Swordplay had been joined for the fair hand of the fair Bernadette…Raj still taking it as a bit of pre-party fun…Howard, furious with learning of his and Bernadette's coupling…And having just had a rather rough time with my own nemesis and rather able torturer Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, my beloved Amy's sister…Being in deadly earnest…

Bernadette nervously aware something was seriously wrong…Raj's parents on laptop teleconference likewise perturbed…

"Nice…"Raj, barely dodging a sword's swipe… "Careful, there, Antonio Zorro, you nearly…Whoa, dude…?" he fell back as Howard made determined thrust…

"My costume, my girl…What else are you planning to take from me, you son of a…Pardon me…" Howard smiled at the laptop image… "Just getting in the spirit…"

"Howard?..." Bernadette, anxiously…

"Lets see if we have a little more room further down…So we can do this right…" he urged Raj who backed away down the corridor…But looked nervously at his parents' anxious faces on screen…

"Howard, wait…" Bernadette called…

"Just want to get in the character, one mo, Bernie…" he waved her off, glaring at Raj…Closing…

"You think I don't know, you bastard?..." he hissed…

Oh, crap…Raj stared…

"Lets finish our little playlet…Just a little further…" Howard, shoving sword…Raj backing away…

"Fellas, wait!…" Bernadette, pleading…

"What's going on?...You, there…What is her name?..." Dr. Koothrappali, to his wife…

"Some Polish Catholic name, like cousin Sanjay's wife…Bernadette?...Bernadette!..." Mrs. Koothrappali called… "Take us with you?...Boys, you're playing too rough!...Come back here!..."

"I knew this would happen if he went to America…" she sighed…

"What are you talking about, woman?...How could you know he'd get into a rough bit of playfighting with swords in California?...There was more chance of that in New Delhi…" Dr. Koothrappali, frowning… "Rajesh!...Howard!...Come back here!..."

And back at her room with Amy, Penny, rather pleased at Leonard's insistence on tending to her, had sobered a bit on learning from Amy in confidence that I had ventured forth to do battle…Or at least, acquire needed intel…

On sending Leonard to fetch aspirin for a likely if not yet active headache, the ladies discussed the situation…Amy, despite her confidence in me, desperately anxious…Charlotte having defeated many a bold and daring male and mate…Even French ones…And that's no easy task given French sophistication… "They have clubs there where couples have sex in public and get rated, did you know that, Penny…" Amy nervously noted… "And Charlotte can still destroy the most insouciant of couples…"

"Actually, yeah…I was a fan of that Star Trek actress…She and her husband parted ways when he wanted to go to one of them…" Penny nodded…

"Ah, yes…One of Charlotte's victims…" Amy nodded…

"What?..."

"Who do you think took the husband to the club in the first place?..." hard stare… "She enjoyed telling me about that one… 'I nailed Seven of Nine's husband' were her words, I believe…"

"Good grief…Amy, are you sure we should let Sheldon face her?..."

"He has to do this…He'll do it…I believe in him…Though he has seventeen minutes, no more…" she eyed the clock on their dresser…

"I'm going with you…Bestie…If it comes to a showdown…"

"Thanks, bestie…" grin…Then hard look… "But it will come to a showdown…Even if Sheldon gets dirt on my sister, she won't back off…"

"All this to hurt you?...Amy, why does she hate you so…?"

"She feels I betrayed her by not helping her get home…I wanted to, I tried to…But I was only eleven…I couldn't get away…And then Gran Mag said Charlotte was doing well in France and when Mother finally did send me, to get me away from the house for her Christmas parties, Charlotte seemed content…And looked so well…It wasn't till years later that I realized how bitter she was…But that's not the only reason she wants Sheldon, I know…She wants him for herself, Penny…Because he chose me, for myself, without any of the advantages she's gained, surface-wise…Which are, you must agree, some pretty good advantages…"

"Gotta concede that…" Penny sighed…

"Sheldon is what she's sought all her life…As I have…A man who loves one of us for herself…For what's inside…As well as my smoulderingly hot self, of course…"

"'Course…" Penny, rolling eyes… "He's a good man and she wants him…I do get it, Amy…"

"And there is more…" Amy paused… "Penny, I didn't run into Sheldon just by the chance of internet dating…Though I rejoice in it being the key that opened the door into his life for me…And bless Howard and Rajesh eternally for being my good angels in the matter…"

"Huh?..."

"I've loved Sheldon for years, Penny…And so has Charlotte…We've followed his career, I went to CalTech with the hope of one day meeting him…"

"Amy?...You…Were stalking Sheldon?...All the time before…?"

"No…I never dared approach him…Until that glorious night when his profile on matched…" giggle… "Mine…"

"I'm flub…Flab…"

"Flabbergasted…"

"Yeah…But you followed his career?...Why?...Were you girls, like physics groupies?...As in, should I look for Leonard's picture in your stuff too?..."

"No…Strictly Cooperites…Penny, we met Sheldon, years ago… He doesn't remember and I never brought it up…But we met him and his Meemaw, the year he started college at eleven…She took him on a train trip north to Maine…The same train, from New York on, that we took to Gran Mag's place that year…"

"Amy…"

"And there he was, with his Meemaw…She knew how scared he was to be leaving home and going off to meet new people, all alone…And how much he loved trains…So she was giving him a treat…Oh, he was the most beautiful thing we'd ever seen, Penny…That face…" sigh…Goes to dresser…

Pulling open drawer…Taking out purse…

"Here…" she hands Penny an old photo…

Cut to Charlotte in her room…Staring at an old polaroid shot of young Sheldon…With Meemaw…On train…

Back to Amy, striding room in costume as Penny in Blue Fairy costume watches from bed…

"The urge to merge can rob of us of our senses…The need to breed can make a man a drone…"

Charlotte eyeing Sheldon's photo…

"We must be on alert with our defenses…For every skirt can test…Testosterone…"

Amy…Echoed by Charlotte in her room…

"So knowing this we'd abandoned all pretenses…And made no use of satin, silk, and lace…We were firmly headed in the right direction…When suddenly we happened on that face…"

Oh…

"That face…That face…That wonderful face…It must not be denied…Those lips, that nose, those eyes… Help lead to our sibling demise…" each girl kissing their respective photo…

"That face…That face…That fabulous face…We tried not to be unwise…But it was certain that we'd fall in love…Lost without a trace…The moment we saw that face…"

"My God…" Penny, staring…As Amy eyed her…

"We found out who he was, everything we could about him…We knew just from eavesdropping that he was a genius…And, still being friends then, pledged we'd share everything about him…Poor Charlotte even…" Pause…

"She didn't think even Sheldon could ever love her as she was then, so she'd intended to give him up to me…Not that either of us ever really thought…" Amy paused…

"And then, when she was sent off to France that year…"

"Oh, God…" Penny sighed… "She thought you…"

"Only later…When I didn't come or help her get away…But it wasn't true…I wouldn't have abandoned her, even for love of Sheldon…"

Knock…

"Aspirin.." Leonard's voice…


	13. Chapter 13

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXVIII…

Even as I neared my rendezvous with destiny in the form of Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, suitably attired to meet my supervillianess nemesis in Bondian tux…Howard Wolowitz was pursuing his own dark destiny in the form of his (former) close friend and rival, Raj Koothrappali…With sword, no less…

Bernadette in fearful tow, trying to get Howard to desist and Raj to realize that the swordplay was anything but "play"…Though, after Howard's harshly whispered reference to his and Bernadette's recent coital mingling, he was fast losing his illusions in that regard…

Slash…Clang…Whoa…Raj, thrown back by the force of the blow, barely defending himself… "Howard, nice one…But watch…Whoa!..." he fell back…Howard's swordpoint ramming into the wall where he'd been…

"Howard!...Stop it!..." Bernadette cried… "You're gonna run up a huge bill in repairs…"

"I'll pay it, gladly!... Koothrappali, stand and fight like whatever you are!..."

"Hey!..." Raj, pausing to turn round… "That could be construed as racist, you know…"

"If it'll make you fight, you're welcome to do so!..."

"Fellas!..." Bernadette howled…

"Bernie!...Go…OH…" Howard stared as a rushing Bernadette went down…After meeting with his waving sword…

"Bernadette…" he gasped…She on floor…He eyeing a few drops of blood on his sword…

"Hello!...What the devil is going on down there?..." faint call from Dr. Koothrappali, still on screen back at the laptop near Howard and Raj's room door…

"Would either of you like to tell me what's up?..." Leonard eyed Penny, then the nervously pacing, pausing to eye dresser clock, pacing, Amy…

"Amy's worried about my drinking…" Penny, cleverly…

"Really…That's nice…Since when?..."

"Well, this is my engagement party evening…A drunken Penny falling down stairs and into a punch bowl or party platters on table as if in some Three Stooges short or low-brow modern comedy film would be a fairly embarrassing social occurrence…" Amy noted…Rising to the occasion to support Penny's clever cover story…

She is good at this undercover work, my Amy Farrah Fowler…Should Physics and neurology ever fail us, we ought to open a detective or spy agency…I, the wise-cracking, man-of-the-world Bruce Willis, to her Madeline Hayes…

"You seem a bit 'pacy' for someone tending a friend with a drinking problem…" Leonard, calmly…

Penny, now a bit concerned…Don't wanna push the drinking thing too far…Could screw things with my lil' Hobbit…

Though on the other hand…No need to let an opportunity pass me by…

"I was just telling her I'd give it up right away for you…She's worried cause my recovery hinges on you taking me back…"

"Oh?..." frown…

Amy eyeing Penny…Penny, Amy…

Now a bit of genuine concern here on Amy's part…

"You will take her back, Leonard?...If only to save her from a life as a hopeless alcoholic…?"

"Uh-huh…Well, my mother would certainly love that…How's about I just find her a good clinic…"

"Leonard?..." Penny, anxious…

"Leonard, cruelty doesn't suit you…" Amy frowned… "Enough of this…You love Penny and you belong with her…Now I'm sorry if we haven't confided in you…But you apologize to Penny first and then I'll fill you in…"

"Yeah…" the Blue Fairy, frowning, folded arms…

This Hobbity puppet sure ain't looking likely to get his wish to be a real boy…

"Me apologize?..." Leonard, glaring… "You two have left me running around trying to figure out what's up since this all started…And all pertaining to your sister, I assume…?"

"Who you couldn't wait to sleep with!..." Penny, bursting into tears…

"Oh, Lord…" Leonard, rolling eyes…

"Don't you even think about leaving, Hofstadter…" Amy, grimly in witch's robes, blocking exit…

My God, there is a lot of her sister in her…Penny thought, rather contentedly, watching through tears…

Stuart, stalwartly by my side as I stood by Charlotte's room's door…Gathering my courage, focusing my intellect…

"I'll be just round the corner here, Sheldon…Just call out if things get…Dangerous…" he notes…

"Things have been 'dangerous' since the first night my future sister-in-law showed…" I reply…

But…Time to be a Dr. Sheldon Cooper once again…I pat my suit to test the wire…

Bit too loud, turning down…From the control in my trouser side pocket…

Stuart, in his Harry Lime suit… The one I'd worn, altered slightly to fit…Gives me his best enigmatic smile and a hearty thumbs-up…I nod…

And knock…

"Charlotte?...Charlotte?...Charlotte?...Char…"

"Entrez, Sheldon…" cooing call of the vixen…

I open with cautious dread…The vortex of Evil yawns before me…

Music plays…

"I'll sing myself to sleep  
>A song from the darkest hour<br>Secrets I can't keep  
>Inside of the day<p>

Swing from high to deep  
>Extremes of sweet and sour<br>Hope that God exists  
>I hope I pray<p>

Drawn by the undertow  
>My life is out of control<br>I believe this grief will bear my weight  
>So let it flow<p>

Oh sit down Oh sit down  
>Sit down next to me<br>Sit down, down, down, down, down  
>In sympathy…"<p>

I have heard this one before…Where?...

"I love this old James song…Come, sit down next to me…Mr. Bond…" Charlotte's whispering, ethereal voice…Slight teasing tone…

"Bernie…Bernie…" Howard, aghast…Kneeling by Bernadette as Raj came up and knelt as well…

"Dude, what have you done?..." Raj, gasping at the blood on Howard's sword…

"Get a doctor!..." Howard told him… "Go!..."

Bernadette, popping one eye…

Ok…

"Bernie…I'm so sorry…" Howard, looking for the wound…

No doubt a gaping, mortal hole…

"Howard…"she whispered… "Don't leave me…"

"No, sweetie…Hang on…" he continued searching…Finding some blood on his probing fingers…Oh…

"Oh…" Bernadette moaned…Anxious to prevent his probing further to find it only a minor cut…

I mean still, a sword wound…And it could potentially get infected…

"Don't…Move me…" she gasped…

"Sorry…I need to find the wound, Bernie…"

"Just hold me, Howard…Before it's too late…Oh…" she groaned again as he continued to try and search…

"Ok…I'll stop…Oh, Bernie…"

Hmmn…Not exactly a pool of blood welling…

Still, could be mostly internal…

"Oh, Howard…I'm so ashamed…"

"It's all right, Bernie…I understand…I'm not angry…"

"What?..." she opened her eyes… "Why the hell not?...Aren't you jealous of Raj?..."

"Bernie, I love you…As I just told Charlotte during a little impromptu torture session in her room…It doesn't matter if you don't love me…"

"What?..." she sat up…

"No, Bernie…Don't try to sit up…"

Hmmn…Right, near fatal wound…

"Oh…" she moaned again, falling back as delicately as a wounded Glinda should…

"Now as to this crap about it not being important if I don't love you…" she whispered…

[ Lyrics from: .com/j/james/sit+down_ ]  
>"Now I'm relieved to hear<br>That you've been to some far out places  
>It's hard to carry on<br>When you feel all alone…"

"I recognize that piece…" I note…Cautiously taking seat by Charlotte…She beaming at me rather warmly…Even innocently…

"Train…New York to Maine segment…The two girls who were eyeing you and your grandmother Meemaw all the way…One looking rather hideous…Like this…" Charlotte pulled out a copy of the photo Amy had shown Penny and Bernadette… "We loved that song…And played it all the way…"

"You came up to the girls when we pulled into Boston and asked me if I was an angel…Because your Meemaw said I must be…And you told me you knew there were no such things accounted for in physical science but you wanted to know just in case…Because your Meemaw never lies…"

"You…And that was Amy…" I stare…

"Oh, Sheldon…" she reaches for my hand…Kissing it… "Sheldon, I'm not an angel…But I've loved you all my life…

"Now I've swung back down again  
>It's worse than it was before<br>If I hadn't seen such riches  
>I could live with being poor<br>Oh sit down Oh sit down  
>Sit down next to me<br>Sit down, down, down, down, down  
>In sympathy…"<p>

Dear God…Now she is dangerous…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXIX…

"I've done…Questionable things…But I'd been lost, alone…We both thought we'd never have a chance to find you again…Though then, I'd hoped, Amy…Being the pretty one…" Charlotte eyes me…

"You gave me up to Amy?..." I stare…

"I did…Then…Before she betrayed me…Before I realized, even I might have a chance, in this form…" she indicated herself… "In this prison…That I have to keep up, with medication and surgery…And all, until we found you again, for the sake of worthless fools and perhaps, occasionally, a nicer fellow, like your friend…"

"Leonard?..."

"But it's you I've been waiting for…You I kept all that was left of the real Charlotte, buried in here…Sheldon, I need you…I'm not like Amy, I can't survive on my own…" tight grasp of my hand… "I was drowning till Amy revealed she'd found you…She was with you, the little…What, did she expect I'd be pleased for her?..."

"Amy was looking for me, at CalTech?...She never said…"

"She was afraid you'd run from her…We knew how nervous you were with physical intimacy…She knew it would be a disaster if she told you we'd loved you for years…Look here…" she offers me a folder…Newspaper articles, magazine clippings…

"All about me…" I stare…Thumbing… "That's a terrible shot…And I told those people to delete that paragraph…"

"Sheldon…I've dreamed of finding the beautiful boy who was so kind to me again for years…And after Amy told me, in spite of her limited bonding experience and the habitual effects of her efforts to avoid intimacy with other males, you'd found it possible to care for her…I knew you were the one person who could save me…From what God and Fate…And my parents and that foul French Dr. Mengele of a plastic surgeon made me…Oh, save me, Sheldon…Save me…Amy will forgive you, in time…" she, on knees before me… "I'm being totally honest with you, my love…All I've done I've done with the hope of finding you again, one day…"

"Sexually conquering literally hundreds of men?..."

"Thousands, actually…" she corrects… "My dark side's thirst for revenge needed to be slaked…Plus I needed to survive…My treatments don't come cheap and my father spent everything we had he could get from us before he died…"

"Charlotte, I am sorry for you…But I love Amy…"

"I'm the pretty one now…" she, urgently… "Sheldon, I'm your intellectual equal…Heck, my IQ is 189…Amy's is fine but doesn't compare to us…Sheldon, it's true I've done some bad…But it's been a learning experience…And I can promise I can make you very happy…Amy will find someone else, she's very sweet on the surface…"

"Amy is very sweet throughout…" I insist, frowning… "Charlotte, I don't love you…"

"You wanted me…I sensed it…I have a knack for that sort of thing…" she grabs my knees, I backing into my seat… "Sheldon, let me make you happy…I'll live only for you…You've seen the movies, the wicked sister is always the more fun…" smile…"And I can be very good, for you…If you want me to be…I'll be your angel, again…Moon-pie…"

"Only Meemaw and Amy Farrah Fowler call me that…" I rise, she falling back… "No, Charlotte…I want to help you, and I admit, you are very pretty and all…But I love Amy…And I'm going to be with…"

"NO!..." harsh growl from Charlotte…Hideous glare…Rising, arms extending…

Truly beautiful in absolutely vicious hatred, one must concede it…As with most supervillains of the female persuasion… "I'll never give you up to her!...She betrayed me!...She betrayed me to have everything good in our lives…Gran Mag and now, you!...You think I'm Evil!...Let me tell you about your sweet Amy…That dull, plodding…I'll destroy her and you, first!..."

I sigh…But am rather pleased…Evil has made its usual mistake…And blown its chance…

"No one hurts Amy Farrah Fowler…And no one accuses her falsely…She loves you, Charlotte, though I would say you've stop deserving it long ago…" I rise to face her… "We've had our talk…Thank you…"

"You're going nowhere, Sheldon Cooper!..." she glares at me…Wild-eyed… And I see she has something in hand…

Yes, definitely a taser…

Uh-oh…

"Sheldon…Sheldon…Sheldon…Sheldon…" at the door, Amy's urgent voice…

"Merde!..." Charlotte, groaning… "Always interruptions!..."

"Amy!..." I call, moving…

"Sheldon…Sheldon…Oh, crap!..." hard kick at door…As Charlotte closes to taser me…I fall back, with Bondian deftness…

"Sorry…" Amy stares at broken door slammed open…Struggling with foot rammed into the wooden door…

"I think my foot's broken…" Penny, beside her, groaning…Holding foot in turn…

Likewise groan from my roomie and friend Hofstadter, now on the ground…Clearly bouncing off the door had not done him any positive good…

"I couldn't wait past sixteen minutes…"

"Careful, Amy!..." I call… "She's armed and insane…!"

"You!..." Charlotte rages…Waving taser…As I scurry back…

"Enough, Charlotte!..." Amy hollers… "I'm tired of this nonsense!…You're no longer my bridesmaid candidate…Go home!…Come on, Sheldon…" she turns to me on floor, still scurrying from Charlotte and her taser…

"Don't you leave, Sheldon!...Sheldon!..." Charlotte, charging…

Penny, somewhat cluelessly, taking the fall..And the brunt of Charlotte's taser charge…

"Penny!...Charlotte, are you insane?..." Amy, horrified, grabbing the shocked and trembling Penny back…

Though not neglecting her bestie's usefulness now as a human shield to cover her and my retreat…I managing to rise as Amy blocks Charlotte off with poor Penny's trembling form…

Oops…Another hit…

Truly a good friend, our Penny…And it's not like she's got a lot to lose, intellectually…

Indeed, if I may digress, in her case, taser shock therapy could even be beneficial…We should make a careful evaluation when alls done, Amy and I…

We back to the door, keeping Penny between us and Charlotte's raging wrath…Leonard struggling to his feet, nursing shoulder… "Penny?..."

"Charlotte, you go home!...We're done!..." Amy calls…

"Sheldon!..." Charlotte cries… "All right!...Let it be war upon you both!..." she screams at us as we exit…Dragging the hapless Penny behind us…We all pause as a hotel clerk comes up…Leonard pushing to take Penny…Oh…He quickly releases her to Amy again, groaning…

"There's been a slight incident…" Charlotte, warmly gentle tone at the broken door… "My sister and her fiancé found my door smashed open and our friend hurt by the intruder who hurt our friend Dr. Hofstadter as he ran out, leaving…I was just checking for anything stolen…So far, only one thing…" she eyes us narrowly… "Perhaps you could fetch the police for us?..." innocently winsome stare…

Clearly, to avoid likely prosecution, we must play along…Charlotte definitely having experience in such situations…I hissing to a fussing, though still groaning Leonard that the last thing we need is a night in a jail cell…Charlotte with Amy and possibly poor Penny in one said cell…He, to his credit, quickly seeing the light there…

"It's all right, Penny…We'll get you to a doctor right away…" Amy, patting… "We really must get our friend to her room, can we speak to the police when they come?..."

"I'll bring them…" Charlotte, grim smile at us…Warm beam back to startled hotel clerk…Who'd just come to see what the smashing sound a neighbor reported was about… "We have so much to discuss anyway…This incident not being over…"

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXX…

Meanwhile…With her usual brilliance in analyzing societal organization…My Amy Farrah Fowler had, on finding him at post near Charlotte, dispatched my friend and ally the valiant Stuart Bloom to see to the mayhem down the hall involving Raj and Howard, believing him a better choice than Leonard to separate the battling parties…A friend of somewhat less intimate standing naturally triggering those social cues of caution and hesitance so necessary in defusing threatening situations…

Besides, in our little band, Leonard, and our dear Penny, possessed what little passed for "muscle" and would be needed to attend to the door, should I not be at liberty to depart Charlotte's temporary lair…

So that while Amy and her gallant support managed to come to my rescue in the nick of time…Stuart had arrived to find the situation on the other battlefront a bit less climatic…Howard anxiously holding Bernadette in his arms, awaiting Raj's return with doctor, or promise of, in tow…

"Howard?...Bernadette?...Are you guys ok?..."

All jumping a bit at the sound of Team Amy's assault on the door of Fortress Charlotte…Followed quickly by shouts and Penny's double howl at damage to her foot and shock of Charlotte's tasering…

"Holy Jesus, Mary, and Joseph…What's going on back there?..." Bernadette, rising slightly to peer down the hallway…

"They're at Charlotte's room…" Stuart explained… "Should I go for the manager?..."

"No…" Howard frowned… "You can go help the guys with Charlotte…Bernie is fine…" he eyed her embarrassed face…

"Howard?..." she looked up at him…He regarding her coolly…

"It's just a graze, Bernie…You know that…"

"I could have internal injuries…Howard?..."

"You don't have internal injuries…" he sighed… "I'm sorry if I cut you a little…But it's probably the most I could ever do anyway given my incompetence at everything…" he released her gently…Rising…

"Howard…?" she gasped…

"I hope you and Raj will be very happy…He should have the doctor here soon to bandage the cut…C'mon, Stuart…Lets see if I can bumble my way into making Sheldon's little mess worse…"

"Howard…Ow…" she groaned a bit, honestly, at the slight twinge of pain from the minor cut on her side… "You come back here!..."

"Bernie…It's fine…You've nothing to feel guilty about…Lord knows I'd've done worse to girls I didn't really love if I'd ever had the chance…We'll let you know what's up with Sheldon…C'mon, Stuart…"

Our retreat to the safety of Amy and Penny's room accomplished, I noted the partial success of my encounter…I'd got Charlotte on digital recording admitting to doing mayhem…

However…Unfortunately I hadn't gotten much as to specifics…Though I now understood…Slight eyeing of my beloved, intended…Far better the nature of Charlotte's obsession with me…

"You never reminded me about that trip to Maine…" I note…

"I was afraid you'd run from me, if I showed such interest so soon after our meeting…And as far as Charlotte went, I thought it wasn't all that important…" Amy, sighing… "It wasn't till Charlotte came and I saw how seeing you affected her that I fully realized she'd never forgotten you either…It's been years since we talked of you…"

"But all this time…" I press the case… "You were going along with my restrictions on intimacy, early in our relationship telling me you didn't wish us to become a couple…You deceived me, Amy…"

Downcast look from my beloved…Penny rising…Ow!...Avoiding sore foot to defend her bestie…But I intervening first, with smile…

"Thank you…" taking hands… "Lord knows how I might have messed things up if you'd rushed it too fast…You are as skilled a mistress of emotional bonding for good as your sister for evil…Amy…" I embrace her… "You realize you have actually forced me to develop a modicum of respect for the social sciences…"

"Oh, Sheldon…"

"Oh, good God…" Leonard sighs…

"What?..." Penny frowns…Leaning on him, probably with less need than desire…

"The man's first time out in Romance and he scores a home run?...I can't believe this…"

"Believe it, Hofstadter…" Amy, beaming from the cocoon of my tight embrace…

"It only stands to reason…" I note…Quite rightly… "That when a genius like me chooses to turn his hand to Romance…"

"Shut up…" Leonard, irrationally…

I'm still right here, idiot…Penny, glaring…Waitin' for you to make yer move…

"Anyway, we still have Charlotte to deal with…" Amy, returning to Earth… "You say you didn't get any specific confessions from her?..."

"She told me she'd done some terrible things…Hinting at a few…But no specific names…"

"Still, something to offer the long list of people trying to get anything on her…" Amy, pondering…

"And we have Howard as well…Though I don't know how valid his testimony may be…"

"Howard?..." Leonard, staring… "He said Charlotte invited him in for a drink…Did she spill something…?"

"Drink and torture session, from what he told me…To paraphrase what our building's postman once told me about obsessed women, 'the bitch be crazy'…"

"Torture?..." Penny, blinking…

"So he told me, though no…"

Knock…

We eye each other…

"Guys?..."

Howard's voice…Leonard opens door…Howard and Stuart facing us…

"How'd it go…?" Howard, anxious…

"The Wolowitz wire performed successfully…" I pat the concealed wire… "And obviously Amy and her merry minions were successful in rescuing me…"

Amy, rather pleased beam at my praise…

Utterly deserved, my darling…

"But we didn't quite get specifics…"

"So she told us…" Stuart, sighing…

"What?..." Amy, me, Penny…

"We stopped by her…Broken?...Door to see if you guys were ok…She said if you were there to get anything on her, she'd given you nothing…" Howard, pausing…

"And?..." Leonard's tendency to state the obvious coming in handy for once…

"And she says to get ready for a rough ride…It's not over, folks…" Howard, shaking head…

"What was that about her torturing you?..." Penny, anxious…

"What?..." Stuart, looking at Howard…

Might have warned me before we went to the House of Horrors, man…

"Just some craziness on her part…She wanted to know if I knew anything…Nothing serious…"

"And you sang like the proverbial canary?..." I eye him…

His glare back even causing me to draw back a bit…Perhaps I was a bit harsh…

"No, I did not, Sheldon…In fact, for God knows what reason, I actually held out till I got away…Thanks for the faith in me…" he turns for the door…

"I'm sorry Howard…" I call…

Distressing how frequent that word has become in my vocabulary since my relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler took on a whole new dimension…

"He is, Howard…" Amy chimes in…

"Fine…" he sighs… "I've got to go see if Bernadette's ok…You can play the recording back for me later…" he hesitates at door…

"Guys, this woman is not to be taken lightly…No offense, Amy, but she's out of her mind, however gentle she may seem in public or at times in private…Proceed with caution…"

"Howard, wait!..." Amy calls, hurrying over…Kissing his cheek to my and the others' startled surprise…

"I'm so sorry, Howard…I won't let her hurt you again, I swear…" she eyes him carefully…I manfully restraining my urge to make withering glare…

"Thanks…" gentle smile… "But, anything for Romance…" eyes my stare… "Take care of this girl, Sheldon…She's a blessing from God you don't deserve…" grin…

"But if we got only what we deserve…We'd all be crazy as Charlotte…" shrug…

With Stuart's help we were now connecting the Wolowitz wire to the TV monitor in Amy and Penny's room…

"I don't see this as a huge problem…" Leonard now insists… "Charlotte knows now Amy isn't going to believe any of her lies and what can she do?...Plus there are all of us against her…We even got the female muscle…"

Penny, frowning as she nurses her foot in a chair…Say what?...

"I mean all of you guys…" he notes… "Just in case it becomes physical…"

"Yes…" I nod, pensive… "The females of our group being far most athletically able than the men, I would agree…The female 'muscle' is a key point in our favor…"

"I didn't mean it that way…"

"Quite true…As we just demonstrated with only two-thirds of our female force…" Amy nodding in agreement with me…

"I just meant if it got physical…" Leonard tries…

"It did…And thank God that two-thirds of the women of our party were on hand…" Amy notes… "Given your bouncing off the door had little productive effect…"

"Anyway…She'll go home…" Leonard, sighing…And thanks for noting my contribution…

"Are you ok, Leonard?..." Penny, the sincerely anxious tone doing much to mollify Hofstadter…

I must admit Penny knows her mate…

"You're not angry about my kissing Howard?..." Amy came over to me…

Yes, I must also admit Amy Farrah Fowler knows her mate…

"It was only that he'd been through a bad time with my sister…"

"There we go…" Stuart notes, turning on screen…

Whoa…Leonard, expressing the sentiments of all as Charlotte's appeal on her knees concluded…

"You and she…Sheldon?...All these years?..." he eyes Amy…

I must say I fail to see the difficulty…Encountered me as a child, never forgot me, devoted their lives to learning about me…Seems quite logical…

"I go with Leonard…Whoa…" Penny notes… "You musta been quite a cutie, lil' Shelly…" she grins at me…

"Indeed he was…I masturbated for the first time that evening…" Amy notes… "I believe Charlotte did too, though it was hard to tell given her need to constantly reposition her lumps…"

"Right…Little more information than we needed to know…" Penny, blinking…

"I was her first…" I note quietly to Leonard…Rather proudly…As befitting the lucky first and permanent beloved of the divine Amy…

"Whoa…" Stuart, stepping back from the screen… "Guys…"

"Hello, my pretties…" Charlotte's smiling face…Still in witch's costume, back in her room…

"I enjoyed the film…Tell Howard I must give him credit for that amazing surveillance device…And I hope he wasn't hurt badly in his escape…He was very brave, you should tell him so…"

"Charlotte?..." Amy, staring…

Cut to Charlotte in her room at a very good facsimile of the Wicked Witch of the West's crystal ball…

"Yes, sister dear?...Are you wondering how I got my own surveillance device into your room?...I must confess, I had to be less imaginative than dear Howard…I slipped a maid a hundred dollars last night to put it in…It's over that rather bland copy of 'The Girl with the Pearl Earring'…" she points…We all look…

"Though tapping into your monitor is my own little adaptation of a Testa broadcasting device…" grin…

"Lady…" Penny had stood up, hobbling a bit on foot… "You're so over…Don't make the three of us come over and beat the crap outta you…"

"Hotel wouldn't find that very civilized…And it would lend credence to any counter charge I might make about that break-in…I have my own surveillance tape of that, by the way…Pity Howard didn't have a version of his own device on his person, it would have given you something real to bargain with…"

"Fine…Charlotte, it makes no difference…" Amy cut in… "Sheldon and I are engaged and getting married and there's not a damned thing you can do about it…So, come to the party and wish me well if you like or curse me but it makes no difference…"

"Oh, I'll be at the party…Maman is coming, she just called from the airport…And I wouldn't want to miss seeing her…See you shortly my pretties…Sheldon…Kiss, kiss…" she cackles, the screen fading out…

"The bitch do be crazy…" Penny notes…I nodding…


	14. Chapter 14

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXI…

Howard frowning as he found Bernadette being tended by the only locally available doctor…Raj looking ridiculously apologetic in his Zorro costume…No one else on hand, dude… "Hello, monsieur…" Charlotte beamed at him, rising from where she bandaged Bernadette's minor cut…

"I understand we had a little swordplay accident…" she smiled…

"Get away from her and don't touch her again…" he said quietly…

"Howard, she was just…" Raj…

"I don't care what she was doing…Charlotte, I've asked politely…If you want to see if your evidence holds up against mine and my friends, fine…"

"Dear Howard…" grin… "He's very loyal and surprisingly brave, Bernadette…I'd truly reconsider whether dumping him for Rajesh, sweet as he is, is the right idea…"

"Thank you, get out of here…" Bernadette, grimly…

"You will save me a dance, Howard?..." Charlotte, ethereal smile… "If things don't work out with Sheldon and you remain available, perhaps we could…'Hook up' as you say?…Leonard not being available after all…"

Howard, hand on sword… "If you'd like to dance again, lady..." grim look…

"I'll be waiting…Breathlessly…See you at the party…I must go and pick up our mother at the airport…" she sauntered off…Her witch's robes flowing gently round her…

"That is one crazy bitch…" Raj sighed… "But she is a fine doctor…Sorry, the desk clerk rang her up before I could stop her…And she was the nearest medical assistance…" he eyed the others…

"Ok…Bernadette, can you stand?..." Howard, offering arm…

"Sure…It wasn't too bad…Is everything ok, with Sheldon and Amy, I mean?..." she rose carefully, Raj trying to assist but backing off at Howard's stare…

"So far…But I'd say the wicked witch isn't done with them yet…Looks like there was quite a story behind all this…"

"Great…" she beamed… "I'd love to hear…Ummn…" she eyed his solemn face… "I mean, I'd like to be filled in…"

"Me too…" Raj chimed in…

"We need to talk…Not you, Raj…" Howard frowned as Raj started to join them in proceeding to Bernadette's room…

"Yeah…Please…" she urged… "Raj, this is between Howard and me…"

"Fine…" he sighed… "Just…No more swordwaving, ok?..."

"Right…" Howard, coolly… "I'll speak with you later…" He led Bernadette down the corridor…

Ummn… "Yeah, good…" Raj squeaked a bit…

Jesus, dude…You're the Fairbanks Zorro…Would he squeak?...He sighed to himself…

Unworthy of the mask, am I…He pulled off his Zorro mask, looking after the couple…

"Rajesh?..." he turned to see the laptop still on, down the hall…

Uh-boy…Eye roll…

I got some 'plainin' to do as Desi Arnaz would stereotypically say…

"Well, that was a bit unnerving…" Amy notes…As I ponder our next move…

Being the leader of our merry band in this crisis is a grave responsibility, so I am required to ponder…

"She's been monitoring us all the time…Well, at least some of the time…" Leonard eyes the tiny camera/microphone he'd pulled from the top of the framed copy of "Girl with The Pearl Earring"…

"I was fairly certain she would be…" Amy nods… "Which is why we were so careful…I'm sorry we couldn't share more with you earlier, Leonard, but you see now how clever my sister can be…"

"Crazy is the word…" Penny sighs…

"Anyway…It's over…" Leonard waves a hand… "Charlotte can rant and rave all she wants but apart from making an embarrassing scene at the party…And Lord knows we're past masters at enduring embarrassing scenes…There's nothing she can do to you now…"

"I wouldn't put anything past Charlotte…" Amy, cautiously… "She never gives up…And after enduring thirty-five operations for her fibromas, hanging on to make another attempt here is child's play…"

"Then lets cut to the chase and go haul her ass to the next plane back to gay Parie…" Penny suggests…Rising carefully…

"Make the wish…" she grins at Amy, waving her wand… "And the Blue Fairy will vaporize the Wicked Witch of the East…"

"She had a house dropped on her in the film and the stage play, 'Wicked'…" I note… "And the other sister was liquidated in the film and book, though she escapes death in the stage play…"

"I could bribe a stewardess to drop her off the plane without a parachute…" Penny grins…

"Hardly possible at 35000 feet…" Amy shakes head… "And I wouldn't want Charlotte flattened…Much…" grin…

"Lets get Bernadette and drag the bitch off…" Penny, urging…

"Guys…" Leonard, waving hands… "You're coming to assault her is probably just what she wants…She said she has tape of our breaking her door in…This would just give her more evidence against us…And I don't know about Sheldon…" he eyes me… "But I don't wanna be left alone with her while you guys go to the local jail…"

"Leonard's correct…" I nod… "One look of Charlotte's winsome glance while you bodily drag her down the hallway and out of the hotel and the police would surely be on her side…If half the force here isn't already sleeping with her…"

"Ok…What then…Do we exercise her?..." Penny, smiling…

"Exorcise is the word…" I frown… "And while it's not a bad idea I don't think it applies here…"

"Besides, it would affect me as well…" Amy, impish smile…Wave of witch's robes…

"I was right…" I eye her… "You are enjoying this…"

"Just providing a dose of levity to lighten the grim crisis situation…And maybe just a little…I've never done so well against Charlotte before…" she smiles… "All thanks to you, my truest one…And our friends…" nod to Stuart, Penny, and Leonard…

"And Howard…" Penny notes… Sighing… "Was he hurt, you think?..."

"He seemed fairly intact…" I consider the memory… "I think Charlotte employed psychology primarily…She seems to have told him about Raj, judging from the swordplay they engaged in…"

"Wish I'd seen that…" Leonard, grin… "Bet they were more spastic than me doing 'Dancing with the Stars' to the video…"

"Howard was very brave, Leonard…" Amy frowns… "He could have accepted whatever Charlotte offered…Please don't make fun of him…"

"Yeah, sack boy…" Penny, glaring… "I can't believe I have to rate you below Howard in how fast you tumble into bed with that psycho…"

"Excuse me?...No one told me I was with a pretty version of Lizzie Borden…Amy thought I'd be good for her…And I wasn't getting any other offers, if you recall…"

"You should have known better…Howard Wolowitz did…" she turns head regally…Slight sniffing…

"And God, that's embarrassing…To have the guy I love underperform Howard…" she eyes Leonard…Slightest of smiles…He returning, after a moment's frown…

Stuart eyeing us…Guys?...

"Are we supposed to leave now?..." I hiss to Amy Farrah Fowler…She nodding… "Your social skills continue to escalate, my beloved…"

"All due to you, my lil' social minx…"

In the corridor as we cautiously scanned for any sign of our nemesis, a sheepish Raj joined us to explain that Charlotte had temporarily vamoosed to retrieve her and Amy's maternal parent at the local airport…

"Well, that should restrain her, right?..." Stuart notes…

"I don't know…Charlotte's never been particularly close to Mother…And Mother hasn't particularly been involved in our lives since Father ran out…Except to warn us of the perils of sexual bonding…While still demanding we find suitably acceptable mates…Which has been rather confusing…" Amy sighs… "I don't she'll be too concerned with offending her…Though it may make her a bit more cautious, Mother's presence might even stimulate her to escalation…It was Mother who did nothing to prevent Father from sending her away…And kept her in France even after the divorce/widowhood…No, she might even enjoy the idea of Mother witnessing a triumph…"

Stuart chuckling suddenly… "Sorry, just the idea of a supervillain with a mom…"

"Not all that strange…" I point out… "It being generally the superhero whose parents' loss triggers his/her arc to superhero hood, either through setting her/him on the path of revenge, followed by a redemptive move to seeking justice for all…Or by temporarily causing him/her to seek an outlet in hedonism, like Tony Stark…The supervillain's parentage is rarely reflected on…Excepting Lex Luthor of course…Whose deceased mother at least was apparently very nice…"

"Could your mother help us?..." Stuart eyes Amy… "Even if Charlotte's angry at her, she might listen to her…"

"I don't know…Mother tends to prefer to pretend alls well with us and we are the happiest and most perfect of families…Anything else she filters out…And what with Charlotte's 'career' in seduction there's been a lot to filter out…" Hmmn…

"What?..." I ask…

"Well, there is one other option…" Amy begins…

An alarm sounds…Fire by the pitch and frequency, I note…

"Hey…Fire alarm, I think…" Leonard emerges from the room…Penny in careful tow, nursing her foot still…Both clearly having been engaged in pre-coital activity…

As I've noted, Hofstadter and his tendency to restate the obvious…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXII…

Ten minutes previous…

"So?..." Howard eyed Bernadette as they sat in her room…Her Glinda costume a bit bedraggled by the fast pace of events this afternoon/early evening…

"Howard, I'm so ashamed…I don't really know how it happened…"

"There's only one way, Bernie…And it's not an accident like spilling a glass of milk…" wry smile…Rub of forehead under hat band…

"I was just so…We couldn't seem to get anywhere on settling things…"

"I renewed my offer to marry you…You'd said yes, again…Then got concerned about Mother and me…Even though you both do seem to get along, ok…And I'd said I'd never have a problem with your mom or anyone…I like having family around…"

"I know…But…"

"I was even ready to give up kids, since you don't like them…"

"It's just I've been part of such a big family, always having to tend them…It takes so much out of you, there's no time for work or anything…Howard, I didn't want to be my mother…Let alone have her or yours running my life…Telling me I wasn't doing enough for you…It hasn't been easy for me to make a career in Science, you know…"

"Fine…" he sighed… "And Raj?...Is he better with this?..."

"I don't know…Why would I care?...Howard…?"

"You chose to go off with him, Bernie…I have to assume that means you find his situation easier…And his parents are pretty far away…"

"What's that supposed to mean?...Howard, are you saying you want to break up?..." anxious tone… "I don't want that, Howard…I'm sorry…"

"Bernie, I'm no great loss…And Raj is a fine guy…Probably the one you wanted all along…" he rose…

"Howard?...Wait!..." she rose…Grunting a bit at a dot of pain… "Can't you forgive me?...God knows, you've done…"

"Bernie?...What have I done, apart from being childish and obnoxious at times, since we hooked up?…"

"Howard…"

"I'm sorry, Bernie…No…Charlotte may be crazy but she had the right advice…I need to start demanding a little respect…The fact is I'd never do to you what you did to me, so casually…You don't love Raj but why not hop into bed with him while deciding about me?...I don't deserve that kind of treatment, Bernadette…Not even a little silly fool runt like me…In my silly little costume…" he patted his sword… "I forgive you, no problem…But we can't be together…I deserve someone, anyone who treats me better…"

"Howard…You're right…But you know I'm sorry…I'll do better…"

"Bernie…I'm not trying to manipulate you here…I mean this…" he sighed… "Goodbye, Bernie…"

"NO!...Howard, don't you leave!..." she stepped forward…

"Raj is a fine guy…You'll be fine whether you take him or not…See ya…" he went out the door…She staring after him…

"Howard!..."

He passed a nervous Raj, who was just folding up his powered down laptop, having made desperate excuse… "Just a bit of fun American horseplay, no one hurt…And no romantic triangles involved…If you were wondering…And why would you?...Goodbye, Mummy, Daddy…" to his parents…

"She's waiting for you…" he eyed the rather puzzled Raj… "You don't have to say anything, it's no one's fault…Just take care of her, ok?..." He continued down the hall, Raj staring after him…

Bernadette reaching him a moment later as Howard turned the corner, she hobbling a bit…

"Where'd he go?...Howard!..."

"I think to his room…"

"You…" she glared at him… "This is all your fault…"

"Bernadette?..."

"All right, fine…It's my fault too…" she waved a hand… "Oh, he'll never forgive me…" she teared up…

"Howard Wolowitz?...Never forgive you?..." Raj stared… "If he held out ten minutes, I'd be amazed…"

He backed away at her glare…And her raised arm…

"Bernadette?..."

"He was absolutely right…He deserves better…You little sneak…You worthless…"

Raj failing to see she was addressing herself in the hallway mirror…

"Bernadette?...That is so…"

"Shut up…" she fumed… "Raj, you go with me and you tell Howard…It meant nothing…You owe me…And him…That much…"

"Nothing?..." he stared…

Geesh…

"Move it!..." she prodded him with her wand….Both halting and looking round as the alarm sounded…

Milling hotel guests…Blaring alarm…My colleagues uncertain…This is a job for…

Do I even need to elucidate?...

"First rule of an evacuation…" I note…

"Sheldon…I don't see a flicker but we will be burned to death before you get through that rules list, come on…" Leonard sighs… "Lets go everybody…Stuart?...Can you go check on Raj and the other guys?..."

"Wait…I don't know about this…" Amy, shaking head… "This is a bit too coincidental…"

"You think Charlotte pulled the alarm to prevent the party?..." Penny asks…leaning on Leonard's shoulder, still hobbling a bit …Hobblin' with my Hobbit, she thinks…Repressing grin, sure to be misunderstood… "Maybe she didn't go to the airport?..."

"I'm hobblin' with my Hobbit…" she whispers to Leonard… "And I looove it…"

"Did we give you too many pain pills…?" Leonard, hissing back…

"Perhaps…" Amy, thoughtful… "If so, she's really going to be in for it…Mother hates to be kept waiting…"

"Guys…Regardless, we gotta get…" Leonard, insistent…Clearly concerned about his mate, which equally clearly pleases his mate no end… "And don't worry, Amy, I'll get your mother and if we have to we'll find a banquet hall or a big restaurant…This party is coming off…"

"Indeed…If we have to, there's always McDonalds…" Amy nods…

"Now, now…Amy, there's no need to descend into caveperson savagery…We can go to that nice Cyndy's Starbuck den if necessary, but there are limits…" Hmmn…I note the increasing milling about… "Oh, look, there are rules, people…" I urge the crowd clustering in the hallway about the stairway…Hoping to impose order out of chaos as I wade to clear a path…Probably Charlotte-imposed chaos… "Now lets just get in single-file and…" Leonard, with a content Penny apparently attached to shoulder, following slowly…We are separated by the crowd as Amy follows in turn…

"Sheldon!..." Amy cries as I am grabbed from behind by a large, husky male of well-developed musculature and aptly limited vocabulary…

"Get in dere…" he hisses…Tossing me toward the stairs…An even larger fellow seizing me there…

Apparently my Bondian outfit lacks much intimidation status…

"What the fuck?..." Penny, staring… The whole crowd turning on our group…Forcing all but me back…

"Hello, mon amour…" Charlotte in stairway, smiling at me through the open door… "Amy, I had Mother picked up by my driver, hope you don't mind…" she calls… "Sheldon and I have business…Well, pleasure, really…In France…"

I thought she might have henchthugs…But I never suspected she had a hotel floor full…

Hmmn…The large but not unattractive blonde female henchthug on the left seems to be rather interested in Leonard, apart from blocking his and Penny's way with menacing expression…

The large, bald man at her side, however, is clearly not interested, though more menacing…

Lord, he's bigger than Penny's old boyfriend Kurt...Charlotte certainly knows her henchthug business...

Meanwhile at glance from Charlotte I am dragged back into the stairwell, struggling…

My ju-jitsu skills useless as my arms are pinioned…

"Sheldon!...Charlotte, I'm going to do you serious bodily harm!..." Amy cries…

The elevator opens…Charlotte halting in mid-cackle…A puzzled-looking manager whom the others had met on their arrival to be shown the party ballroom steps out…

"Was there an alarm pulled?..."

"False alarm…Foolish prank by…That gentleman…" Charlotte points out one of her people who puts on a sheepish expression… "He's turned himself in and we have the situation under…"

Uhhmmmnph…I try to scream…Or shout…Through the vise-like ham-sized hand over my mouth….

"The situation is not under control!..." Leonard shouts… "Call the police, these people are not hotel guests!...They've kidnapped our friend!..." struggling to push forward….The male henchthug grabbing an arm…Hissing coldly...

"Most of these are extras but not me and my friends, pal…One more word and we'll have to hurt the ladies…" he eyes Penny…

Amy surrounded as well…

"Nonsense…" the manager frowns… Leonard, hesitating as the female henchthug now takes Penny's arm…She jerking away…

"Indeed…" Charlotte agrees…"I paid for them, the whole cast…Sorry if our little film is getting out of hand…"

"Well…I just wanted to let Dr. Fowler know…Your helicopter is here, Dr. Fowler…"

"Merci…" Charlotte beamed to him…Turning back to face the girls and Leonard…

Helicopter?...They stare...

"No!..." Penny hollering… "Help!..."

The manager stares, uncertain, but is shoved back into the elevator…Sent down…

Amy now freed as her confronters pull back to the stairwell…As are Penny and Leonard…

The others in the crowd staring at each other…

This is just a film, right…?

"Time we departed…" Charlotte, beaming at my friends…Her people, of the true henchthug variety joining her… "So sorry we have to part this way, Amy…But I'm on call for surgery in France tomorrow and clearly you don't want me here…So…Au revoir, ma soeur…" wave…

Whoa…Penny, pleased glance to the troubled Amy…Guess the bitch got our message and is crawlin' back to where…

Uh-oh…Wait a mo…She's got Sheldon…Not so good…

"Leonard, Penny, come on!..." Amy, racing for the stairwell… "She was ready for this, all the time…Her people were in place on the floor, all the rest was deception…She's taking Sheldon…Hurry!…"

"Are we still supposed to hang round?..." one extra calls…"

"Cut!...Now, get out of my way!..." Amy screams…


	15. Chapter 15

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXIII…

I am bodily carried up the hotel stairs…No doubt we are enroute to the helipad on the roof, first stop the airport and a drect flight to Paris…

"Sheldon…" Charlotte, keeping pace with me and my "carrier"… "I wanted to do this the right way, I tried to make you see…But I'm not leaving without you…In time, you'll see it's the right place for you, with me…"

Unable to respond, I merely offer a withering gaze and seek some means of escape…

"We belong together, my love…I'll make you see…" she pats me… "Hurry, mes amis…" urging the henchthugs…

Amy and Leonard for the sake of time had left Penny to inform the just entering Howard, Stuart, Raj, and Bernadette…

"A helicopter?...She has a helicopter?..." Howard stares at the still milling but at least for now on break, thanks to Amy's "Cut"…Extras…

"And a floor full of extra guys and some pretty beefy hunks…We gotta get up there!..." Penny moves for door…

"Stuart?...You have your car…?" Howard turns to him… "Get to the airport, as fast as you can…Find out at the desk here which planes are leaving for France or Europe within the hour…"

"Right…" Stuart heads for the elevator…

"What is going on here?..." the manager steps out… "I need to speak with Dr. Fowler, something is not right here…"

"You betcha it's not…" Bernadette calls, heading to join Penny at the stairs…

"Stop that helicopter!..." Howard yells at the manager… "The good doctor is off her rocker and kidnapping our friend…C'mon, Raj…"

"Lets go!..." Stuart urges the manager… "I need you to call the police and get me flight schedules…"

Helicopter pad…Dusk…The last light of this eventful, vanished day fading fast…

A medtiransport, no less…Charlotte having thought of everything…An easy clearance to the airport…

But IQ of 189, one must expect this sort of thing…

"Nearly ready…Afraid you'll have to play patient, Sheldon…" she tells me as I am set down before her… "But the drug I'll use isn't too strong and won't last long…Attendez!..." she calls to her people… "See if the pilot is ready!…"

Normally on being released, though still held…I would seek to verbally challenge my opponent and break them down with carefully honed sarcasm…

However…I saw one of those apes wrinkle my Amy's costume…

"You hurt Amy!...Listen you insane freak of a sister-in-law!…Back in East Texas where I hail from…" I begin…

Hmmn…Out of what repressed gene from my father did that come?...

"Was Amy harmed?..." she looks round… "I told you not to hurt her…"

Several of the half-dozen henchthugs at hand eye each other… One speaks up…

"No, doc…She was fine…"

"Bien… I want her to have a long and miserable life…Alone…"

"…Love you?...I'm going to see you dead!" I holler…

Keep channeling, Daddy…

"So be it…" she eyes me, a tad surprised at my loss of cool… "But I will have you, she won't…Admit it, Sheldon…At every step, I have been…" grin… "Two points ahead of you…"

"The pilot says he's ready, ma'am…" one of the female henchthugs, a tall brunette, had come over…

"Excellent…Fetch my bag, Thomas…Time for your medication, Sheldon…" she grins at me… "Don't worry…" pat…

"You'll like Paris…They have wonderful train stations…"

Leonard and Amy, Penny gamely racing along with him, had reached the roof access door to find it blocked…Howard, arriving a moment later with Raj and Bernadette, immediately employed his skills to removing said door…While Amy, remembering my own escape from my apartment, seized upon another plan…

Racing for the fire escape at the end of the top floor corridor…

"Amy, I don't think that goes up to…" Leonard called…

"I need something to wedge in here…" Howard noted… "Raj, get my toolbox from the room…"

"You have a toolbox here?..." Penny, staring…

"Be prepared…The first thing they teach you at MIT as well as the Boy Scouts…"

"Amy…?" Leonard had gone down the corridor, into the fire escape well… "Amy!...Don't climb up there!..." he called…The rest looking down the hall to him…

Oh…He sighed…Fine…He started to climb up as well…

"Leonard?..." Penny called down…Hurrying down, nursing foot… "Leonard!..."

"Raj, toolkit?...Go!..." Howard fumed at him…

All right…I calm…Dad, thanks but rage being of little use right now, genius –level intellect must resume control…

I ponder…One huge arm holding mine back…One huge arm on my shoulder…One female henchthug eyeing me…Charlotte turned to see the helicopter readied and her bag brought…

I hate to have to resort to experimental Physics, the realm of my roommate but his hero, Archimedes was right…The right lever and I can move the world…

And I have the right lever…Yours truly…

Legs, inward, backroll, straighten…60 degree angle…Henchthug "Kurt2.0" as I have dubbed him, moves in bewilderment…What is the little geek doing?...Female henchthug frowns but cannot intervene because "Kurt2.0"'s massive form blocks her way now… "Kurt2.0" seizes my back to raise me up but is now at a dangerous angle…I lift with my legs…All my life depending on it…

Oooooooffffff…Slo-mo, for your benefit, gentle reader… "Kurt2.0" is thrown off balance…Swerving slightly to avoid female henchthug…Other henchthugs turning to see…I drop, spinning under "Kurt2.0"'s chest…He keeps grip but is thrown completely off balance…Charlotte now turning to see…

"Morons!..." she screams…As I flip up…Free from the falling "Kurt2.0"'s grip…

"Sheldon!..." Amy's scream…I immediately recognize it as my mate's call…Somewhat distressed…I look to see her trying to climb over the roof's railing…

"Amy!...Be careful!..." I call…Hurrying with the female henchthug and several others quickly in pursuit…

"Amy?..." Charlotte cries… "No!...Get her!..." she waves to two remaining goons, of male and female variety, by her side… "Don't let her fall!..."

I am blocked from Amy by the female henchthug who anticipates a move that way…But I already had considered and rejected the obvious…

I head for the helicopter…Whose blades are already whirling…Diving a bit to encourage caution on the part of the pursuers, despite the blade clearly being high enough to avoid…Well all but "Kurt2.0" who, back on his feet, is wise to stop and duck…

More time gained as I'd calculated…

"Sheldon!..." Amy cries… "Amy, careful!..." Leonard, underneath her, struggling up…

"Don't let her fall!...I want her alive!..." Charlotte, dashing toward the roof railing…Assuming in the gathering darkness that I'd made the mistake of heading for mine own true…

IQ of 189, right…Bet the test was done in France…

Still I suppose she'd factored in my emotional attachment…But, judging us by her own insane devotion, she'd forgotten I might place our survival above immediate gratification…

"Where?..." she'd realized her error…Rats…

I slip by the copter's side…The henchthugs a bit disoriented by the darkness and their fear of becoming an unfortunate character in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" as they dodge the copter blades…

"Where is Dr. Cooper?...Sheldon!...If you don't come out, I'll…"

Uh-oh…I can calculate exactly what's coming…

"…have her thrown off the roof!..."

I race at full height from the copter…To the protection of some ventilator shaft housings…Crouching…

"Charlotte!..."Amy, holding on to the roof railing now…Trying to clamber up… "Leonard, can you help me up…?"

"Li'' busy hangin' on here…" he calls back from just below…

"Pull her up!..." Charlotte, moving her way… "Amy, let them help you…"

"Charlotte…If I let go…Sheldon will blame you…" Amy calls back… "You let him go, now!..."

"I don't care…Let him hate me!...Besides…You'd never let go…" Charlotte, hollering back… "Get her up here!..." she calls to her two henchthugs…Who peer over, seeking…

"You dared me once at Gran Mag's and I did it…Even though I broke my arm…You sobbed all summer, blaming yourself…You want me to do it again…?" Amy…

Leonard, below…Amy?... "Amy, you'll be killed…It's too high!..."

"Listen to Leonard, you little fool!...Sheldon!...You come out here or Amy has a serious accident!..." Charlotte rises, shouting…

Hmmn…The henchthugs on the railing eye each other…

"Listen, I'm watching this and my friends can hear…You jerks are going to jail for murder if that girl gets hurt!..." Leonard shouts…

"Just pull her up!...We're trying to help you both, Leonard…" Charlotte turning back to the railing… "Tell her to let them pull her up here…"

The other henchthugs still seeking me are closing…No way out from here…Except to follow my beloved's course of action…I rise up and run for the roof railing on my side…

And if I don't exactly have a weapon…I may have the semblance of one…Courtesy my friend the engineer…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXIV…

A terrified Penny on the fire escape landing of the top floor of the hotel where the engagement party of myself and Amy Farrah Fowler seem increasingly unlikely to be held this evening…Bernadette with her now…Both calling up to a Leonard hanging for dear life just below my Amy, likewise struggling…But for her dear me…While trying to avoid the "help" offered by her sister Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, MD and two of her henchthugs…Trying to find and lift her over the roof railing…

MD…Uh-huh…

Interesting version of the Hippocratic Oath they must use in France…

Though, to be fair…Amy is having some difficulty, the roof railing not being designed to accommodate climbers of any sort, let alone rather inexperienced ones…

And Charlotte is sincere in wanting to save her sister from a deadly fall…Much preferring, it seems, to see her suffer in lonely torment for years after she spirits me away to France…

While on the other side of the roof, I once again make use of both my astounding intellect and the tools at hand…

In this case, my friend Howard's fiber optic surveillance device…Still attached to my person…Which I whip out as I race for the roof railing section nearest me…Several henchthugs seeking me, who race after in pursuit…

Though, as with the helicopter blades before and as I had calculated with a maximum of 20 percent error…You must allow for the fast-paced situation and my inability to factor in all covariables…In the dark, they hesitated to race too quickly toward the roof railing…

Giving me just enough time…

"Back there, minions of Evil…This little cable packs 100,000 volts of electric death at full power and I assure you, I've put it up to full power…" I smirk…Waving cable pulled from my person…They halt, retreating just a bit…

"Do you have him?..." Charlotte's ethereal cry, somewhat harshened by anger and the need to project from the other side of the roof…

"Amy?...Can you get up?..." Leonard calls…Trying to reach for her…To assist... 

"Leonard, now is not the time to grab for my admittedly fine ass!…" Amy calls back…

"Say what?..." Penny, to Bernadette…

"She said he shouldn't grab for her ass just right now…" Bernadette sighs…

"Yeah, I got that…"

"Then why did you ask me?..."

"I mean…Nevermind…Leonard!...I'm coming up…Hang on!...And I don't mean to Amy's bottom…!"

Oh, lovely…Leonard sighs…My injured ex- or whatever she is –girlfriend is climbing to my hapless rescue…

"I'm fine Penny, stay there!...I"m just trying to help Amy…"

"And he's doing a fine job…When not grabbing for my ass…Really…" Amy calls down…

"Thanks…" Leonard sighs…

"No problem…Whoops!..."

"Hold on…!" he calls…

Forever with the obvious is Hofstadter…

"Back you!..." I holler at the nearest hulking henchthug… "Or I make like Indie, with a whip of Electric Death!..." I crack the cable at him…

Oops…The one time in my life I can make a whip work has to be the one time when I should in no way hit my target…

"Hey!...That stings!..." My good buddy "Kurt2.0" groans, grabbing arm…

Stung yes…Paralyzed or killed, no…

"Hey…There's no charge on that thing!..." he calls…

Lovely…Leonard's twin in hulk form…

"Amy?...Are you ok?...Amy!..." the original crying out… "Amy!...Hang on!...Charlotte, she's going to fall!..."

"Amy?...Leonard?..." Charlotte, peering over the railing… "Georgiana, get a flashlight!..."

"Oh, my God!..." Leonard… "Amy!..."

"OW!...Jesus!..." " Kurt2.O" hollers as I wield my Wolowhip in frenzied manner… Charging now…The henchthugs looking back at Leonard's terrified cry, a bit nervous…

Clearly Charlotte hadn't included murder or manslaughter on their list of duties tonight…

"Amy!..." halting at the anguish in Leonard's cry, my voice projecting in a way I'd never supposed possible for me… "Leonard, for God's sake what's happened…!"

"You crazy maniac!..." Leonard's cry…

A horrified scream from further below…Penny, followed by Bernadette…

"Amy?..." Charlotte's scream….

The henchthugs now paralyzed…Even "Kurt2.0" clearly disturbed…

A prison sentence for accessory to murder now seeming quite likely…

Crashing sound as the roof door falls aside…Howard, followed by Raj, emerging onto the roof…

"Leonard!..." my vocal projection stunning Howard and Raj, who stare…

A howl now from below…Penny…Bernadette joining in…

"Charlotte, get down to her!..." Leonard, screaming…

A flashlight playing over the side…

"No!..." howl…Charlotte's voice… "Any!..."

Strange…I never thought my heart stopping would be so peaceful…Almost serene…I feel carried away, floating…

"Sheldon!... " Howard's voice brings me back…I seem to be on the edge of something…

Ah, yes…The railing…I've turned back to the railing as if by instinct, drawn...

The roof railing from the other side of which my life has just ended…

"Oh, Leonard…Come down!...Come down!...Oh, she's dead…She's dead!..." Penny's howl…

A scream from Bernadette...

"Hey, what are you doing?..." "Kurt2.0" now rather eager to avoid further tragedies… "Get back from there, Cooper…!"

"Sheldon, no!..." Howard's voice reaches me…I move as if in a dream, I believe I'm over the railing…Yes…

"Sheldon!..." Raj cries out…

Just a moment, my love…Here I come…

And over I go…

Funny… "Kurt2.0" screams like a girl when he fears he's sure to go to jail…

Bazinga…


	16. Chapter 16

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXV…

Now I realize that was cruel to leave you in such a state, gentle reader…And I trust children were sent away as soon as things got violent…But it was as events occurred and I must remain true to my literary muse…

However, it should be quite clear that I could not be dead and have written this, unless of course you believe it written by one of my associates acting from notes left by me or perhaps even some other person…

And while truly, the exploits related here might seem of the realm of fictional adventure, worthy of an Indiana Jones or a James Bond…I can assure you…As my friend and ally Stuart's favorite actor, Mr. Orson Welles, once used as a title of a film…"It's All True"…

Now, as to the tragic events just witnessed…Namely the fall to her tragic death of Amy Farrah Fowler as she struggled to climb to the roof of the hotel from which her sister Charlotte planned to spirit me away by helicopter, then jet, to France…

And my own suicide in numbed and shattered state on hearing of her fall…

Penny is really to blam/praise here…For it was she, or rather her comment earlier…That we should play into Charlotte's belief, strengthened undeniably by past successes and her remarkable intellect, that she held all cards and could not be beaten by her little sister and friends…Which gave the struggling Amy her brilliant idea…

Since reaching the roof would only result in her immediate capture and my taking, the only option was to let Charlotte (seemingly) have the game…

"Hold on…!" Leonard, you may recall, had called…

"Leonard…" she hissed, hanging on for dear life…My dear life, though…As Charlotte urged her two henchthugs at hand to find and help her sister up to the roof…

"Amy?...Get down…You'll fall…Or let them pull you up!..." he replied, likewise lowering voice…

"Listen…I'm going to go to the other side…Where Sheldon is…I have enough grip…"

"No…Amy…"

"I've done climbing on the university rock wall, Leonard…I'm fine…But yell out when I give the word and make then think I've fallen…Can you drop that cape of yours?...I don't have anything to drop unless I strip…"

"Sure…Don't…"

"Sure, you can yell and drop the cape and don't worry?...Or sure you could, but please don't as you're uncertain if I'll make it?..."

"The former but correct it to don't strip!..." he hissed back… "Though really, Amy…I'm leaning toward the latter…Don't try it…"

"I'll be fine…I think Sheldon's made a break for it, they're yelling…Yell, Leonard…And try to tell Penny to do so…Here I go…Don't forget…Whoops!...To drop the cape!..." harsh whisper…

"And please stop looking at my ass…Fine, admittedly as it is…"

Truly, as I can testify…

Now…As to my own tragic demise…

It is true that I was not party to Amy's little scheme to distract her brilliant sister and sister's less than brilliant but amply endowed physically, henchthugs…

And believe me, my agony on hearing Leonard's very well acted cries was perfectly sincere…As was my instinctual turning back to make for the roof railing for to join my one and only true love in death…Rather like Isoide…In "Tristan and Isoide" by Wagner…

Though no love potion was ever required for us…The magic of our intertwined intellects and the soulful yearning eyes of my beloved being more than sufficient for me…

Children have not returned, I trust?...Very well…

And that admittedly fine ass…Quite an inducement once I was finally ensnared voluntarily in her sexual charms…

I, perched at the brink of death…About to disprove a number of rather strange notions about my inability to enjoy a true and deep regard for another which my roommate, Leonard Hofstadter, has developed…

But it then occurred to me…I had not heard Leonard cry for other help…Nor had Penny or Bernadette raced inside to seek help…Surely, if Amy had fallen, even their shock would not have prevented one of them from seeking additional aid from a source other than Charlotte…

Who would be hard-pressed to reach the ground floor in any time to offer effective help in any case…No, it might be the emotional shock…But even in my shattered state, it didn't add up…

And I remembered how much delight Amy Farrah Fowler had taken in showing me up in the field of rock climbing…The little minx…Though only when I had rather nastily, I admit it, suggested that if I was unable to perform the feat without risk of passing out from fear of heights…Surely she could only do worse…

What can I say?...I was rightly shown up and then some…But out of that slight humiliation came a newfound pride and sense of wonder in my beloved's abilities…And a profoundly well-burned memory of Amy gleefully peering down at me from the top of the university rock face…Though as always, eager to accept my apology and shyly bask in my sincere praise…

Hmmn…

A woman like that doesn't just incompetently fall off a building…And the actions of the others seeming just a bit odd, though not unreasonable to one not intimately acquainted with them…

I gambled…Anyway, if the worst had occurred, I could always jump from the small ledge on the other side of the railing…

So, over I went…And down to the ledge about four feet below, concealed by the darkness as I crouched…

A nervous "Kurt2.0" already, like his compatriots, worried by the sudden outbreak of tragic outcomes, panicked and after a brief look over, ran back…

"Cooper went over!...Doc, for God's sake, we gotta get outta here!..."

"Sheldon!...No!..." Charlotte looked up from where she'd been peering for Amy's body…Something definitely on the ground, barely visible from the ground floor hotel lights…Dark, perhaps black, like Amy's costume…

"What'll we do?..." henchthug Georgiana…Likewise panicking… "I didn't put in for this, doctor!..."

"Be quiet!...Give me my bag, I'm going down…Keep the helicopter ready!..." Charlotte grabbed at her bag… "Leonard, go down to her…I'm coming…"

"Penny, Bernadette, call an ambulance…And the police!..." he called…

"I've had enough…!" Georgiana cried, racing for the roof door…Several other henchthugs following…

Raj and Howard now at the railing where I'd gone over…Peering…

"Psst!..." I hiss…

"Sheldon?...Oh, my God…" Raj called…

"Scream…Don't let Charlotte and her henchpeople know I'm all right…"

"Just a sec, let me help…" Howard, grabbing and pinching a part of Raj's arm…

A most satisfying, if somewhat girlish scream…

"Thank you…" I hiss… "One of you better head down to 'find me'…"

"That hurt dude…" Raj, reprovingly…Rubbing arm…

"Your arm, my heart…And no, we're not even…" Howard, glaring… "Go down like Sheldon says…Make as much lamentation and hand-wringing as you can…A rent garment wouldn't hurt…"

"So like I'm Jewish now?..." Raj, archly…

"Hey, you stereotype me all the time, turnabout, fair play…" he notes to Howard's glare…

"I'll gladly circumcise you right now…Go!..." he points to the roof access door…

Raj heading off…

"What about Amy?..." Howard, hissing… "Oh, dear God!...Sheldon!... " he loudly bellows…

"Good, but don't overdo it…" I reply… "I think she's all right…She has to be…Can you go and…"

Arghhh…

"Sheldon!..." Amy, having startled me with her touch in the dark…Holding me back from a fall to my death…

My God, she's good…

"Go and see about Dr. Cooper!..." Charlotte commands the wavering "Kurt2.0" and two other remaining henchthugs… "Go!...I'll see to my…"

Hmmn…She peers over again…A bit of light shining on the cape revealing a bit more of the shape on the ground…

Interesting….The dispersal pattern of that, whatever it is…Unless Amy was taking off her costume before or as she fell…It's simply impossible for that thing to be in such a pattern, even from what I can see in the dark…

And that yell of Howard's…

Not bad, but somehow lacking quite the pitch of true anguish I'm so well familiar with both as a doctor and a tormentor/seductress…

And Amy is a good climber…Perhaps too good…

Hmmn…Definitely something wrong here…And where is the alarm?...Penny and Bernadette would surely have pulled an alarm to attract attention…

"We've been had!..." she screams… "Go back and see if Cooper is still on the building!..."

"Amy!...Leonard!..." she leans over… "Nice try!..."

Uh-oh…On the fire escape landing, Penny eyes Bernadette…

Kudos for a great performance, regardless, ladies…

Howard now menaced by the remaining three henchthugs…Who shove him aside and lean over… "There!" "Kurt2.0" calls… "Hey, doc!...They're here!..." Amy and I pulling back on the ledge…

"Come on, you two!...Don't make me come and get you…!"

"Bien!...Bring them over here!..." Charlotte, looking up…

"Can you slip round the corner, Sheldon?..." Amy, peering past me to view the corner of the building behind me…

"Actually I'm amazed I could manage to stand on this ledge…No, there's no more ledge…"

"We can't go my way…" she eyes "Kurt2.0" who stands ready to grab us if we move any closer…

"Get a rope!..." he sends off one of his fellow henchthugs…

"We'll have to climb down!..." Amy notes…

"Down?..." I gasp…

"It's not that hard, Sheldon…Just let me start…" she insists…

Whoops…In her anxiety, Amy has miscalculated…

No fire escape here…Meaning it is not an easy climb down…

"Whoa!...Wait!..." she cries… "I can't get footing…"

"Don't be idiots, you two!..." "Kurt2.0" calls… "Just wait for me to get a rope and no one gets hurt!..."

"The heck you say, you overgrown hunk of…!" Amy ponders… "Hunk…!"

"Where are they?..." Charlotte has run up…

"Leave them alone, Charlotte!..." Howard, advancing from where he'd fallen…

"Or what, monsieur…You'll do what?..." Charlotte, sneering…Waving arms sheathed in witch costume sleeves… "Go on back to your friends before I have you thrown over the side!..."

"You're not going anywhere, bitch!...The police are on their way and the airport's been alerted!...It's over!..." he calls back…

"We'll see as to that, little man!..." she hollers, then turns to lean over the railing… "Amy?...I'm glad you're alive, dear…Now be sensible and let us pull you and Sheldon up…"

"Like heck!..." Amy…

"Ditto!..." me…

"Fine…Bring the fire hose over!…Lets try the weapon we Fowlers should most fear, eh, sister…?"

Uh-oh…We eye each other…

Water…Right…Amy regards her witch's robe…

"You grab the rope when we toss it over and come up or I'll have you liquidated the hard way!...Both of you!..."

"That's murder, Charlotte!..." Howard cries…

"Let them try and extradite me!..." she sneers… "If Sheldon won't come with me, he'll go with no one…!"

"I'll go with no one but Amy Farrah Fowler!..." I call back… "Kurt2.0" now tossing rope over…

"Come on, don't be stupid…" he calls… "She's crazy enough to do it…" lowered voice…

"And you'll go to jail for it…" Amy calls…

"Just let me get you up…" he replies… "I'm not a murderer…Come on…I won't let her hurt you…"

Sound of sirens…

"Time's up!..." Charlotte howls, hose now visible over the railing… "Come up or so help me, we'll blast you off this building…"

"Sheldon, we're no choice…" Amy turns to me… "I think she will do it…"

"You take the rope, Amy Farrah Fowler…" I point… "I'll stay here…She won't blast me off…Though she certainly has pissed me off tonight…"

Smile from my beloved… "Fowler girls do have that effect on you…" grin… "But that's Fowler-Cooper from now on…" she reaches for rope…

"You too, Sheldon…Or we fire on Amy…" Charlotte insists…

"Sheldon!...Amy!..." Leonard's voice…

"Here!..." Howard calls…

"Merde!..." Charlotte, stamping foot… "NOW! Vite…!"

Amy kicking away from the building, leaving me, hanging onto rope…

"Damn you, sister!..." Charlotte, fuming… "Kurt2.0" pulling hard…

"Fire!..." she cries… "Kurt2.0", heaving to lift Amy up…

"Let her go!..."

"Doc, are you crazy?..." "Kurt2.0", again demonstrating a genetic link to my roommate, turning, holding and pulling rope…The henchthug holding the hose uncertain…

"Give me that!...Morons!..." Charlotte grabs for the hose…Amy now grabbing the railing as I watch on the ledge…

"Doc…You saved my kid but I can't kill for you…Come on, kid…" "Kurt2.0" pulls up Amy as Charlotte struggles for the hose with the nervous female henchthug, a final male likewise nervously watching…Then with Leonard, Penny, Bernadette, Raj, joined by Howard, advancing, gives up and runs for the copter…

"I'm not done with you yet, Sheldon Cooper!..." Charlotte screams, leaping over the railing…To join me…

"Sheldon!...Watch out!..." Amy cries, leaning over…

"Hello, sweetheart…" Charlotte, advancing on me… "What a romantic evening, eh?..."

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXVI…

Henchthugs in retreat, our friends, holding the roof…Amy safe with them…

Glinda and the Blue Fairy, aka Bernadette and Penny, now nervously peering for me…

"Sheldon?..."

"He's right here…And going nowhere, ladies!..." Charlotte calls…

"So…Holmes?...Our final confrontation?..." she beams at me… "Certainly the perfect place, eh?..." glance over the edge…

Rain now starting to fall lightly, she brushes her hair back… "What a perfect night…I love the rain at night…"

"Charlotte…As your future brother-in-law, I must tell you…Your actions are a bit worrisome…"

Frown… "The future is not yet written, Sheldon…"

Ah, ha…Weakness…Keep hitting at the sore spot, Cooper…

"Sister-in-law…Big…Well, fine…Younger…Brother Sheldon wants you to behave…"

"I can't hear you…La, la, la, LA!..." she blocks ears…

"Charlotte?...There's only a four inch ledge here…!"

"Oh, can't you just enjoy the moment with me, dearest?..." she reaches for my arm… "Oh, Sheldon…I've dreamed of this for so long…"

"You just almost killed my fiancée, your sister…!"

"Pish-pash…I wasn't going to use the hose…I don't want Amy dead, I told you…All I want is you…It's time I got mine…She's had everything, all these years…"

"For the Lord's sake Charlotte, what do you mean?…You're a brilliant, successful doctor…Men throw themselves at your feet…And you can afford to live in Paris…"

"Right on the Champs-Elysses…True… But, I don't have you!..." she cries…

Well, that is true…I can see her point…

"I hardly think you'll get me this way…" I note…

"Then like Clifton Webb in 'Laura' I'll settle for them finding us together, ten stories down, if I must.."

Hmmn…I peer over…

Not good…

On the other hand…Given her taste in films…Perhaps I could pair her off with my dear friend Stuart…

Amy would like that…Not her first choice, namely Leonard…But given Penny is her best friend…

"Careful, remember your vertigo, Sheldon!…" Charlotte urges as the giddiness rises in me…"Amy?...Tell Sheldon to be careful!..."

"Sheldon?...Don't move, I'll be right down!..." Amy's cry…

"NO!..." Charlotte hollers… "You come down and we go down…!"

"Charlotte, give it up…" Leonard, exasperated…Sighing at Penny's…You had sex with this nut job? stare… "The police are here and your guys are…"

Hmmn…

Where are her guys?...He looks…The others as well…

Despite more than half having fled the roof…Several still with the copter which is now lifting gently off…

"Hey, bitch!..." Howard calls over the railing… "Your ride just left…"

"Howard, I forgive the rudeness but not the stupidity…" Charlotte, chuckling…

Amy eyeing Penny…Uh-oh…

Not all the minions are of the practical sort…

"Sheldon!...Careful…I'm coming…" Amy starts to clamber over…Penny and Leonard hurrying to grab her back…

And Howard…Glare at his perturbed face…

That was rude…She is my sister, regardless…Frown…

"Singin' in the rain…I'm singin' in the rain…" Charlotte, before me, glides slightly about the ledge…

"Charlotte, you'll fall!..." I cry…

"Not tonight, dear heart…" she chuckles… 

"…what a glorious feelin'…I'm happy again…Vite, vite, mes amis!…" she speakes into cell phone…

Hmmn?...

Oh, Lord…The copter…Of course…

"Two points ahead, Sheldon…" she grins, catching my stunned expression…

"Sheldon!..." Amy's legs dangle…I grab…

"Always interrupting my tender moments!…" Charlotte glares…

"I'm going to knock you off this ledge, Charlotte!...I've had enough of you!…" Amy fumes, standing in front of me…

"And you all say I'm the crazy one?..." Charlotte notes… "Ah, my 'ride' as Howard put it so well…" she looks to the helicopter…Now hovering slowly down toward us…Our friends on the roof above, forced to back away…A rope ladder tossed which she deftly grabs…

"By the way, I'm still armed…" she grins…Pulling taser… "Sheldon?...Do I have to shock my sister off this building?...Or will you come quietly?..."

"She can't get away now…The police will block the flights…" I note…Moving to step forward…

"She's not going to take a plane…" Amy eyes Charlotte…

"Indeed not…Though I did have tickets ready if that way worked out…I'm thinking a sea cruise to my private island would be much more romantic…Near Fiji…You'll love it Sheldon, very quiet for your work…Lets go, Sheldon…"

"Not till Amy is safe on the roof…" I insist… 

Howard and Raj, having slid down to a safer side, listening…

"She has a private island?...And wants Sheldon?…Alone with her there?..."

"Dude…" Raj sighs… "I bow to your courage…How did you ever survive an encounter with this maniac?..."

"You do mean Charlotte, right?..." Howard…

"I didn't ask her to climb down here…" Charlotte fumes… "Oh, very well…Amy?...Don't make me ask twice, sister…It's checkmate on all 3 dimensions…And you lose …The ruby slippers…"

"Leonard?...Howard?...Help Amy up!..." I call… "You can use the hose…"

"Hurry, gentlemen…I've no more time…" Charlotte, serene but insistent…

"This isn't over, Charlotte…" Amy coldly takes the tossed-over hose…Climbing…Glance to me…

Get it, got it…Good…

"We'll see, sis…Come, Sheldon, time we were off…" Charlotte takes the rope ladder in both hands… "You first…Don't look down, sweetheart…"

I start up…Hoping Amy got the point…And the ladder has enough length…

Halfway, I halt…Partly sincerely, dizzy… Charlotte nervously urging me on… "Sheldon…I'm coming up now…You don't want to be so far down the ladder when it sways…"

Amy now on roof, with hose…

Actually I very much do…Despite the likelihood of gastric distress…

I climb a few more rungs…Calculating…

Angle of trajectory…Confirmed…

Charlotte grabs and climbs, the rope swinging free…

"Careful!...Help him up!..." she calls…

One, two…I press down as if on a swing…The rope lurching and starting a pendulum motion…Charlotte gasping and hanging on…

"Amy!...At seventy degrees, give or take!…" I call…

"What?..." Charlotte, staring…

"No!...Amy, you'll hit him!..." she spies the hose in Amy's capable hands… "Go!..." she calls up to the henchthugs in copter, trying to pull the ladder up and reach for me as the ladder swings…

"Amy?..." Leonard, Penny, Howard, Raj, Bernadette as she eyes the ladder and fires…

The high pressure stream hitting the ladder at just the right point as the pendulum pulls to seventy degrees… I am suddenly jerked upward by the force, as is Charlotte as the ladder bends sharply…I release and am slingshot…

Hopefully if my calculations are correct, with just enough velocity…

I know if I'm killed I'll never hear the end of it from Amy… "'Give or take'?…"How is that theoretical physics?..."

Charlotte, clinging tightly to the ladder, screaming after me as I release the ladder and soar… "NO!..."

Unfortunately, like Icarus, my flight can not be of long duration…And I have no wings, save those provided by love…


	17. Chapter 17

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXVII…

When I was but a boy, gentle reader, just starting college at 11, I pondered the works of the great artist/inventor…Though his lack of ability in Physics perhaps hobbling his claim to truly superior genius…DaVinci, in particular his one-man flying machine…

Which, of course, though divinely elegant in its bird-inspired design, was fatally handicapped by its creator's failure to appreciate the basics of power to mass…Had Leonardo spent less time studying birds and anatomy and more on either the application of the ratio of power to mass or, with the practicality of an Edison searching out the best incandescent filament for his light bulb, the superiority of lighterweight materials, his machine might well have been a practical success…A point which I went to considerable lengths to illustrate in a paper that year where I offered theoretical suggestions toward the redesign of his device which you can read in…But I digress, this being a literary effort…

My point being that I was quite familiar with the problems inherent in one man flight and the ineffectuality of attempting to flap one's way into the sky without additional motive or aerodynamic support…So that in my water-hose-powered catapult launch from Charlotte's escape ladder, I viewed the problem not as an attempt at flight…Flailing arms and legs in a vain attempt to keep aloft as some…Including an experimental physicist of my acquaintance…Might do…But as a projectile equation…The projectile, namely me, requiring in fact the least amount of aerodynamic interference if it was to reach its target, namely the hotel roof…And neither miss said roof by falling short nor strike the blades of Charlotte's hovering escape helicopter, in either case with likely fatal result…

I had of course in estimating that the correct point of the pendulum swing of the helicopter ladder bearing myself and Charlotte would be about seventy degrees, allowed for a slight margin of error…Though very slight…All now depending on my Amy Farrah Fowler's first interpreting my reference to the hose used to pull her up to the roof from the ledge where we'd confronted my nemesis Charlotte…And then striking the ladder with said hose at the right angle at a point above where I clung for dear life as the ladder swung out in arc, its movement increased deliberately by my swinging pump…

Charlotte of course had realized, though too late, what I was attempting, but could not interfere, given she was below me on the ladder and in imminent peril herself…Forced to cling tight for her own life…

Rather like the man on that flying trapeze, a favorite song of my beloved Meemaw, I sailed through the air…Having released at what I determined was the most precise moment to do so for reaching my target…

A bit annoying, really…Having to concede the value once again of experimental Physics…Indeed, staking my life on it…Still…I maintain it was Theory that was my guide here…And will discuss it thoroughly in my upcoming paper soon to come to a Journal of Applied Theoretical Physics near you…

Unless you should happen to live in some academically forsaken place like East Texas…In which case, order it on-line or through interlibrary loan…Though I recommend on-line to avoid people asking such questions as "Applied Theeoretical Physics?...What the hell's that?" and quite possibly threatening to give you nuggies…

Anyway, where was I?…Yes…Sailing through the air, with the greatest of ease…Or perhaps in this case, unease…

Not doubting my computational ability or the solidity of my theoretical grounding…But a bit concerned as to exactly where on the roof I might land…And how hard…

Amy, desperately anxious herself, being the chief instrument of my contrived catapulting…Charlotte, horrified at my potential permanent loss to the world and fuming at my likely loss to herself…

My friends, bewildered and simply horrified on the parts of Penny and Bernadette…While Raj and Leonard were torn between uncertain doubt and a degree of admiration for my quick thinking…Gotta hand it to the crazy little…Howard, as an engineer, nodding in approval even as he contemplates my splattering on the roof or the ground below…A fine try, regardless of outcome…

But, as I noted, my flight must needs be suborbital and short…Down I go in a perfect arcing movement…

Prepare for landing…Legs pulled in, arms retracted, head down…Penny casting horrified look as she realizes the endpoint of my flight is likely to be her…OW!...OW!...OW!...OWW!...

Well, thank goodness the Blue Fairy was at hand…Of our band, the best possible impact choice…

"Sheldon!..." Amy races to me…Leonard likewise to the battered, groaning Penny…Bernadette following…

Whooo…Howard traces the flight arc with finger for Raj… "Perfect…" he nods…

Charlotte, still being pulled up to her modern-day broomstick, shouting something incoherent…No doubt some threat of eternal menace and damnation…But it's too late now and her people and she must flee to escape the police now emerging onto the roof…The copter moves off as Charlotte is pulled up and inside…

"Anything broken, sweetheart?..." Amy gasping, clinging to me…

"I'm afraid so…" sigh… I pull out my favorite pocket computer/calculator…Smashed beyond repair…

"Took one for the Cooper, eh?..." Leonard eyes me from where he kneels by Penny, grinning…Penny apparently knocked breathless but does not seem seriously hurt…Bernadette helping her up with Leonard, gingerly…

"Well done, Sheldon!..." Howard, beaming…Raj following… "Or should I say, Mr. Bond?..."

"Blofeld, female, is in retreat…" Raj points at the copter… "I'd say we've won…"

"Lets get a doctor up here…And not a relative, no offense, Amy…" Leonard urges…

"None taken…I think we'll follow the preferred medical practice of not consulting a relative for the rest of our lives…Together…" Amy smiles…

"I'm ok…" Penny informs him and Bernadette… "Oh…" groans on trying to rise to standing with them… "Not ok…Get the doc…" They set her down…

"Penny?..." Amy, anxious…

"I don't think anything's broken…" Bernadette notes… "Just bumps and bruises…"

"Bad bruises…" Penny, groaning…

"Lets have a medical doctor decide this…" Leonard insists…

"Sorry, Penny…" I call… "But thank you for providing a fine impact cushion…"

"Yeah, that's my purpose in life, I think…" she calls back… "Is Amy ok?..."

"Fine, bestie…And thank you, so much…" Amy, beaming…

"What?..." Howard eyes Raj, carefully scanning the skies…

"Just in case the bitch comes back to bomb us or use heat-seeking missiles or something…"

Hmmn…All look at each other…

"Kinda wish you hadn't said that…" Leonard, sighing… "Why don't we see if the nice police officers will help us all downstairs…Quick…?"

"Yeah…We have a party to go to, right?..." Penny, trying again, gamely, to rise… "OH…!"

"After you see a doctor…" Leonard, grabbing her arm and gently setting her back down… "Hey!...Lil' help over here!..." he waves at one of the advancing policemen…

Oh, Geesh…Martin in his officer's outfit and mask sighs as he approaches…What have you kids been up to tonight?...

"Oh, Lord…It's my mother…" Amy, staring at the latest group of people now emerging onto the roof…The manager, Stuart, more police, a bewildered-looking woman, in glasses…

"How do I tell her Charlotte's out of the wedding party?..."

One and a half hours later…The grand ballroom of our hotel…

Surprisingly, right on schedule…Guests just arriving, our group in relatively good shape through our Blue Fairy is temporarily in wheelchair, yet determined to attend…

And despite my own rebruised elbow, and bottom, I too am quite bent on cutting the rug with my intended to celebrate the announcement of our forthcoming nuptuals and celebrate our defeat of the Dark Side of my future bride's family…

Amy having assured me in the interim between my fall to the hotel roof and the party that there be no other Fowlers of quite Charlotte's insanity…Only her drug-addicted cousin coming at all close…

As for my family, fortunately the most dangerous members have already managed to fatally injure themselves in various gun-related "accidents" and incidents…The incidents being those too well-witnessed to manage to label "accidents"…

Just a few final touches to be made before our entrance, both our costumes requiring minor repairs…Also Amy's very perturbed mother needing considerable attention from her daughter to allow her to deal with the news that Charlotte had been "called back" to France by an emergency…

Bit ironic the woman whose lack of attention had played no small part in our woes of the last few days…Still…Her lack of attention, followed by a later, desperate clinging, had played a part in the formation of Amy Farrah Fowler's noble spirit…And I suppose I must be grateful for that and bear the Darker Side…

And since I am not currently enroute to Paris under medication or bound and gagged on a boat to the Fijian islands, fair enough…

My colleague, roommate, and best friend… Leonard Hofstadter, a rather pleased man himself given the unexpected outcome for him of a reunion with his beloved Penny, once again in full Viennese gentleman's costume, having recovered the cape that had done us valid service…Complete with cane…Descending the rather majestic hotel ballroom balcony stairs, Raj by his side…Penny being prepared by Bernadette…Both gentlemen in their masks…Raj, raising champagne glass…

"Leonard, what a splendid party…I trust, the prologue to a bright new year…"

"What?...Raj, why are you singing?..."

"The music, dude…Get in the spirit…" he notes…

Hmmn…The masquerade scene from "Phantom of the Opera"?...Leonard, listening…

That's their choice of music?...

Well, hell…Why not?...It is a masquerade party…Shrug and grin, raising cane debonairly…

"Quite a night, I'm impressed…"

"Well, we did our best…" Raj , offering glass which Leonard grinning, takes…Clink…

"Here's to us…"

"I will say all the same I'm not sad that that psycho isn't here…" Leonard…

"Masquerade…" the music is turned up as the ballroom doors open for our arriving guests… "Paper faces on parade…Masquerade…Hide your face so the world will never find you…"

Rather to Leonard and Raj's amazement, in addition to my mother and sister, Stuart's family, and various family friends, a pretty fair crowd from the University…Led by Dr. Gabelhauser, our chairman, himself…In a hilariously comic outfit…

Albert Einstein…Wig and sweater…

Bhawa…. The man is too much…It's as if Howard came as me…

"For Amy, right?..." Leonard hisses…

"That and free food…Excellent booze…And a chance to wear costumes and not be labeled one of us…" Raj notes…

"Masquerade…Paper faces on parade…Masquerade…You can fool anyone who ever knew you…"

"Gentlemen…Cute, Hofstadter…" supposed physicist and fraudulent peddler of incoherent nonsense masquerading as theories, Leslie Winkle in Cleopatra outfit…Moves up the stairs to them… "Remind me to keep my nine-year old niece away from you tonight, Sigmund…"

"Nice asp…" Leonard notes…

"Naturally…" she nods… "If you're a good Viennese pervert maybe I'll let you feel it later…"

"Sorry, he's back with the Blue Fairy…" Raj, shrug…

"I thought the Fairy and the weird neurobiologist who looks like Margaret Hamilton hitching up were the reason we were here…"

"Ha, ha…" Raj chuckling…

"I thought you couldn't squeak to girls…Zorro…" Lesley eyes Raj…

"Douglas Fairbanks Sr. Zorro…" he corrects…

"He's had champagne…Alcohol's his liberation of choice…" Leonard, sighing… "Lesley, could you try and be nice to Sheldon, for one evening?…He's been through a lot today…And Amy is a sweet kid…"

"Sure…I'm here to bury the hachet…" grin…

"Not another one…" Raj, sighing… "Lady, we'll have to kill you…Amy and Sheldon have had enough suffering…"

"He's kidding…" Leonard notes…

"No, let him go on…I'm curious…" she grins… "What suffering and how does involve a necessity to kill me?..."

"Well, dangerous women in general…Who want to torment our romantic duo, two such lovers as Shakespeare described on his less nasty toward wife Anne and romance in general days…" Raj sighs…

"Excuse me?..."

"It's the champagne talking…" Leonard, hastily…

"It talks pretty weird…But nice…Come on, Zorro…Lets pretend you're Mark Antony in costume at one of my orgies…" Lesley pulls him… "What can I say?..." she eyes the staring Leonard… "I'm not really all that kinky, I'm just costumed that way..."

"Actually…I am that kinky…" she whispers to Raj, leading him downstairs…

"Leonard?...Didn't we just defeat kinky?..." he calls…

"Kinky and Evil…Lesley's not Evil…Have a nice time…"

Mmmn…Maybe not Evil…Leonard makes a metza-metza gesture with hands...Watching the two go down to the ballroom…

"Leonard?...Your Fairy is lonely!..." the newly emerged from dressing room Penny calls from the floor…Her statement belied by the swirl of people around her, including he notes, a number of good-looking guys from Pharmacology and…

Crap… Kurt 1.0…How'd he get an invite?...

"We're coming Sheldon!..." Lesley calls back…

"Masquerade…Every face a different shade…Masquerade!...Look around -there's another mask behind you!..."


	18. Chapter 18

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXVIII…

"Look at us…At our engagement…Look, your future bride…" Amy spins round in her restored robes…

"Fine…But why are we hiding…Not to mention singing…Why should we…Hide?..." I note…

"Humor me, darling just humor me…"

"It's our engagement, not a crime…"

"And it's the music, plus exhaustion's got me a little high…"

"Charlotte's finished…"

"Lets not argue…"

"Lets not argue…I can only hope you will understand in time…" "You can only….What?...What are these lyrics?..."

"'Masquerade' from "Phantom of the Opera'?...We chose it…"

"Oh, right…I can only hope…That I will understand in time…?"

"Now you're getting the hang of it…" she beams…

"Not wanting to kill the romance, Amy?...But, back to essentials, why are you keeping us back here?...Are you still afraid?..."

"Sheldon…" sigh… "My sister hired a hotel floor of extras, pressured and hired a slew of hefty henchpeople to do her dirtier work, had a medevac helicopter to carry you off, and was ready to taser or blast me with a fire hose off this building…Not to mention she has a private island waiting for you…I just want the floor swept by our team…"

Hmmn?...

"Penny and Bernadette on the ground, Leonard and Raj checking from the balcony…Howard watching at the door…Just until everyone's in…"

"Sensible I suppose…"

"Besides…The door locks and I'm horny…" she eyes me… "If your elbow and bottom aren't hurting too much…"

"I've been taught to make sacrifices for love by the best, Amy Farrah Fowler…" I smile…

"Well?..." Leonard, by a beaming Penny in wheelchair, eyes the approaching Howard who gives two thumbs up… "The packages are delivered, no sign of Elphaba…"

"Hofstadter…" Dr. Gabelhauser in Einstein outfit… "Quite a party…But where's our guests of honor?..."

"Oh, dear Lord…" my howl a bit louder than I intended…Several guests turning to look at our small converted changing room…

"Oh, they'll be along soon…" Leonard, nonchalantly…Turning to Howard and Penny… Bernadette, by Penny, eyeing Howard nervously…He avoiding her gaze…

"You think?..." Leonard, nervously…

"Hmmn…No…That's sexual, not the anguish or terror of a Charlotte confrontation…" Howard, quietly… "I'd said our boy is getting it on…"

"Eehew…" Penny sighs… "Though it's kinda neat in a way…" Eyeing Leonard… "I gotta get you a top hat to keep, you look good in that…"

"Thanks…"

"Leonard?..." Mary Cooper had reached them, Mrs. Fowler, Sheldon's sister, in rather attractive Catwoman costume, and a tall, somewhat awkward-looking blonde girl in a outfit similar to Mary's in tow… "Where's Shelly got to with that girl of his…You know Mrs. Fowler?...Missy?...And this is Sheldon's second cousin, Maxine…"

"Hi ya'll…" the blonde smiles… "Aren't you all just the dearest things?…"

"There's about ten more cousins and second cousins about here somewhere…" Mary notes… "But nothing'll get them away from the buffet table…So, where's my baby?..."

"Hey, Howie…" Missy, smiling…Howard, nervously waving back…I've had enough humiliation for one evening, thanks…

"I'm Howard's fiancée, Bernadette…Nice to meet ya…" Bernadette, hurrying forward, hand outstretched…

"Well, aren't you the cutest thing?..." Missy, beaming… "And here I was hoping Howie'd be available…"

Yes, God…Torment me…Have fun…Howard, sighing…

"He is the cutest thing…" Maxime nods…

"I can't understand why Charlotte wouldn't stay…" Mrs. Fowler, nervously… "She and Amy are so close…"

"Right…" Leonard nods… "Well, she is a very busy person, famous doc and all…I'm sure Amy understands that she had to go…I know it wasn't voluntarily on Charlotte's part…"

"Penny?...Did you have an accident?...Lord, you didn't catch the MS or something?...Jesus, heal this poor girl…" Mary, concerned tone…

"Oh, I'm fine…A little sprain…" Penny smiles…

"Mary Cooper…" Dr. Gabelhauser had returned… "How nice to see you again…Say, has anyone fetched you some punch?..."

"Excuse me…Let me know when Shelly shows…" Mary turns away to take Gabelhauser's arm…

"Momma taught me everything I know about boys…" Missy, grinning to Penny and Leonard…"Penny, this is my second cousin, Maxine…She's come in all the way from Arkansas to see Shelly hitched properly…And over at the buffet table there…" she points… "Are my cousins Earl, Sally, and Virgil…Don't know where the others are now, probably at the bar…"

"Just made it in time, too…" Maxine, nodding to Penny… "My flight was delayed…"

"Well, it's great so many of you could come…" Penny, smiling… "Mrs. Fowler, I'm so glad to meet you…"

"Yes, thank you…" she nods… "Sheldon is a good boy, isn't he?..." Nervously clenching hands… "When I spoke to him once by computer, he seemed a bit…"

"Shelly's one of God's 'special people', sweetheart…" Missy pats her… "But I know he'll treat your Amy right…"

"He said he and Amy were…Involved, physically…" Mrs. Fowler…Anxious…

"Well, Lord…I should hope so…Hard as it is to believe…Leonard?..." Missy smiles at him… "You look so cute in that outfit…What do ya think?..." she spins…

"Very pretty, Missy…As always…" he grins…

"Yeah…" Penny taking his hand firmly… "Just great…Say, Leonard, sweetie…Where's Raj?…He's gonna need a dance partner…"

"Oooh…The little cutie who can't speak much?..." Missy beams… "He's the sweetest thing…Lead me to him…"

"Gladly…" Penny, pushing quickly away… Maxine following…

Ummn… "I think Raj has a…Oh, never mind…" Leonard sighs…Watching the three women make their way…

"Just let Penny handle this, Leonard…" Bernadette notes… "Believe me, it'll make her very happy…"

"Yeah…" Howard, a bit distracted… Moving off in pursuit of the three…

"Howard?..." Bernadette, anxious… "Wait up…" She follows…

"So…Hofstadter…Nice parwty…Where's the guwest of whonor?..." Kripke in Robin the Bwoy..Bazinga…Wonder…Costume…

"I hope you know this was utter love, not some sort of 'in your face, sis' revenge sex…" Amy notes to me…

"I do, Amy Farrah Fowler…As I shortly, will…But, if I may…?" careful look…

"Go nuts, moonpie…"

"In your face, sis!..." I cry… "Now…" I offer arm… "I believe we've a party to host…"

"Indeed…Hmmn…" she winces… "Kinda wish I'd included the broomstick in this getup, I could use the support…But I'll be fine…" she nods to my look… "And I'm ready for anything, now…"

"It's the endorphins…"

"Of course…Nature is wonderful, isn't she?..."

"You know I never thought so…Till I met Amy Farrah Fowler…" I beam…Opening door…

"Paper faces on parade…Masquerade…"

"Howard!..." Bernadette calls…He, heedless, pressing on…

"Ladies and gentlemen…" the band leader calls for attention… "Presenting the future Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler-Cooper…"

Applause…Leonard, the heartiest of all…Beaming at us…

"Shelly!..." Momma, waving…Tears in eyes, I'm sure…

Missy, halting with Penny and another girl…One of my relations judging by her suit…Waving as well…

Amy tapping… Please?...She takes mike… "If I may ask my bestie, Penny, and my dearest friend, Bernie to join me?..."

Bernadette, sighing…With shrug…Penny eyeing her…We're on…Comes over to us…

"Ladies…Maestro…" Amy…Grin to me… Music plays, rock beat of "Little Bow-Wow…"

"Fools rush in…Where angels fear to tread…" she begins… "And so I come to you, my love…Heart above my head…Though I see…The danger…Oh…"

Howard, pressing on…Shaking head…

"If there's a chance for me…Then I don't care…" Penny and Bernadette backing up…Bernadette, seeking Howard in the crowd…

"Howard!..." Leonard had gone to seek him… "It's our turn in a minute…"

"Huh?...Oh, yeah…"

"Guys…" Stuart came to them in his Harry Lime suit… "You ready?..."

"We need Raj…" Leonard looks round… "He went off with Cleopatra Winkle…"

"There he is…" Stuart points at a somewhat stunned-looking Raj…Just entering the crowd about the band stage where Amy, Penny, Bernadette have joined the orchestra…

"But wise men never fall in love…So how are they to know…" Amy, beaming at me…

"I'd say Leslie has added another notch to her belt…" Leonard grins at Raj… "Howard?...Anything wrong?..."

"Hmmn?...No…I just…" he begins…Peering toward Missy…

"Howard, that is a little hard on Bernadette…" Leonard notes…

"When we met…I felt my life begin…So open up your heart and let…" Amy…

Penny sobbing, beaming…Bernadette sobbing…

"…This fool rush in…"

Barking sounds of 'Lil' Bow-Bow…'

I should note that Sunday is now Music night for Amy and me…

Applause…

"Gentlemen!..." I call… The group of Leonard, Howard, Stuart moves to stage…Howard casting look back…Hmmn…Well, perhaps not…

Raj, a bit wobbily making his way over…

Leslie, in Cleo outfit, fixing her crown at the edge of the crowd near the band stage, greets the ladies as they step, or in Penny's case, wheel, back…

"Nice…So what's Devo 2.0 gonna do?..."

The others had taken positions, picking up instruments…

"Woooh…" Kripke had joined the ladies… "Wrock Band of Disastwer 2.0…Uh…" he catches Amy's hard glare…

"Wondewrful pawrty, Amy…"

"Help…I need somebody…Help!...Not just anybody…" I begin…The boys backing me on instruments…

"When I was younger…So much younger than today…eh…I never needed anybody's help in any way…"

"Oh, my God…" Penny, weeping… "Yeah!..Sheldon!...Wooo!...Go, guys!..."

"Yay!..." Bernadette…

"Oh…" Amy, involuntarily…Weeping as well…

"But now those days are gone…And I'm not so self-assured…And now I find I've changed my mind…And opened up my doors…"

"Never knew Shelly liked the Beatles…" Missy notes to the rejoining Mary and Maxine…As well as Earl and Virgil who have joined them…

"Help me if you can, I'm feeling down…And I do appreciate you're being round…"

"'cuse me, cousin Mary…Gotta find the ladies room…" Maxine…

Howard, on stage, glancing again…Catching her look my way…

"Jesus Christ!..." he gasps…Leonard eyeing him…

"Help me get my feet back on the ground…"

Well, Sheldon is surprisingly good…Leonard notes to himself, shrugging at Howard…

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XXXIX…

"Oh, won't you please, please help me…Help me, help me…" I move to my conclusion…

Though indeed under the influence of Amy Farrah Fowler, musician extraordinare, and our Sunday night music sessions, I have developed some taste for the works of the Liverpudians with the strange haircuts, in fact it's the appropriateness of the ballad rather than a particular attachment…

Or, as my mother would say… "I was lost and now am found…" courtesy the amazing grace of Amy Farrah Fowler…

"…oooh…"

Applause…

"I'd say we've raised us a good boy, among us little girl…" Mary smiling to the beaming Penny…Pat…

"Yeah…" grin… "Yay, Shelly!..."

"Help!..." Howard, the crowd assuming he is supporting me… As he scans the crowd near the band stage…

"Howard?..." Leonard, setting his guitar down…Digital of course, lets not be ridiculous as to our abilities…

"Lights!...Turn up the lights!..." Howard cries…I staring now… "The bitch is in the building…!"

Too late, lost in the throng…

"These modern lyrics…" Mary sighs to Missy… "Why couldn't Shelly have just chosen a nice hymn?..."

Penny, wheeling forward to the stage, concerned but not able to hear clearly over the applause…Amy, already on stage, running to me…

"What?..." Leonard, to Howard…Howard, peering into the crowd…

"That was no cousin of Sheldon's…" he shakes head…

"What?...Howard, come on…She's gotta be two dress sizes larger, she looked like a Cooper…And it was a second cous…"

"For God's sakes, Hofstadter, for once in your life concede I might know what I'm talking about…At least defer to my fascination with the female form…It's Charlotte…I suspected as soon as I saw her swishing away…" an exasperated Howard waves at me… "Danger, danger, Sheldon Cooper…!"

"But…" Leonard persists…

"It's Charlotte, I tell ya…!"

Amy, turning in her tight embrace of me…

Ow, by the way…

But the labor we delight in physicks Pain…As Shakespeare would say…Spelling oddly…

"What?..." she releases me…Acutely attentive to any word of danger…

"That Maxine…" Howard, still seeking her in the crowd… Lights finally coming up…

"She was good at doing the Cooperian hayseed, but nothing could conceal that slinky Parisian shimmy of hers…" he notes to Leonard…

"And you learned this version of comparative anatomy where…?" Leonard, staring out at the crowd, but still uncertain…

"Hello…We Wolowitz hail from France, in part…Even if my chances of scoring or even affording a Parisian babe were nil I could still go over and look on my spring breaks…And I spent an hour getting a close up view of her moves in her private torture chamber...Charlotte's slink does have a certain Yankee accent but was unmistakably acquired in Paris…"

Nothing…No sign of Maxine…Or Charlotte…In the crowd applauding our efforts…Amy and I joining Howard and Leonard in their scan…Amy increasingly anxious…

Raj, setting down tambourine…Instrument of culture choice, my ass, dude…This was pure stereotyping…Comes over…

"Sheldon?..." Leonard moves to me… "How well do you know this cousin Maxine?..."

"I haven't seen her in years…She moved to Arkansas…" I ponder…Hmmn…

"Howard's right!...Lets go…!" Amy pulls at me… "We have to find a secure location…"

"Amy?..." Penny calls…Bernadette looking round where we are looking, not yet hearing our worried exchange, but sensing…

"But how could she…?" Leonard muses…

God, is she bumping off Coopers now?...He thinks…

"AH, HA,HA, HA, HAH!..." over the loudspeakers…Lights flickering…The crowd and our group staring…

"Thirty-five operations for fibromas…" Amy notes… "Treatments every three months…After that, nothing seems impossible…"

"Really have to admire that crazy girl's persistence…" Raj, nodding head…

"Shelly?...Amy?..." Mary calls, moving toward the stage…

"Stay back, Mary!..." Amy cries… "Sheldon, tell your family to keep back!...Who knows what she's planning…"

"Now I tole you to call me Momma, sweetheart…" Mary calls… "Now what's goin' on?..."

"Yes, Momma!...Please keep back…!" Amy, waving arms…

"Now lets properly congratulate my sister and her fiancée!..." the loudspeakers blare…

"Charlotte?..." Mrs. Fowler, by Penny and Bernadette…

Music…The song of the liberated Munchkins from "Wizard of Oz…"

"Tra…La…La…La…LA…."

Smoke bomb explosion in the air above us…Green smoke…

"Oh, my God!..." Penny, looking up…

To see Charlotte, in witch's robes, soaring across the ballroom…

"Holy crap!..." Bernadette, staring…

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HAH!..."

"My goodness…Is that girl on a broom?..." Mary, looking up…

"Just a prop…" Amy notes… "She's on a harness, I think…"

"Or a jet pack…" Howard suggests…

Charlotte whirling round again…Swinging over to the upper balcony, standing triumphantly…Holding broom…Costume billowing…Unhooking…

"Nope…Good call, Dr. F…" Howard…

"Lucky guess, Sir Howard…" she smiles…

Hmmn… I frown…

"The man deserves it, Sheldon…" she notes…

True enough…

I suppose…

"Charlotte?..." Mrs. Fowler, staring… "What is she doing up there?..."

"Surrender, Amy!..." she cries…

The crowd, unsure…A gag?...

"Like Hell!..." Amy shrieks back…

"Ditto!..." I shriek…

"Amy…" Mary frowns… "Language, young lady…"

"Sorry, Momma…"

Howard, Raj, Leonard all racing for the empty balcony stairs… Charlotte to our surprise, descending their way…

"Nice to see you, dear monsieurs..." she grins as they approach… "Did you think that I would leave you…?" Pulling what looks very much like another smoke bomb…Or something more potent?... In one hand…And in her other, the same taser she'd threatened Amy with…The guys halt…

"Have you missed me, good monsieurs?...Time to finish our little opera…"

"It may not be a smoke bomb…" Howard notes…

"For me to know…Good monsieurs…" she teases, waving bomb… "Your corpses to find out…"

"Charlotte, stop!..." Leonard shakes head at her… "This insanity has got to stop…Your mother is here, the police will be here…"

"Hey, Shelly…" she puts on the nasal twang she'd used as Maxine…Calling to me…I now, with Amy at the foot of the balcony stairs…

Hmmn…

"Where's my second cousin, you…" must defer to Momma's presence… "Witch!..."

Shrug…"God knows…Drunk in her trailer in Arkansas where I left her three months ago, I imagine…When I paid her to stay away and took her measurements and got background…" she calls back… "I told you I plan these things well, Sheldon…I thought I might need another option to infiltrate…"

"Maxine did have a little problem…" Mary sighs to Missy… "I was hopin' her looking so well tonight was a good sign…"

"How did you get back here?..." Amy, playing for time…Bernadette off at Penny's hissed urging to call police…

"I had my people set me down at the edge of town where I had 'Maxine's' car parked for just such an emergency, of course…" Charlotte replies, raising voice at end… "Sheldon…Would you come up?...I want to give you and Amy your present…I have something special…Hello, Mother…" wave…

"What is going on here?..." Dr. Gabel hauser now with Penny, Mrs. Fowler, Mary, Missy, … "Is that Charlotte Fowler?..."

"Don't make me answer Howard's question the hard way…" Charlotte hisses to the boys… "Lets keep the crowd amused and quiet, shall we?..."

"Charlotte, you're not getting Sheldon…He's not coming up and you can't get away up there…" Leonard shakes his head…

"Up?...Oh,no, Leonard… I wasn't foolish enough to plan the helicopter route, again…We're going right out the front door…Sheldon?...Howard, be a dear little fellow and go tell Sheldon that his family's life may depend on his coming up here?...Howard, don't make me start a panic…" jiggling the bomb or whatever in hand…

"I don't think you have a bomb, Charlotte…" Leonard, eyeing her sternly as Howard, frowning moves off… "You're crazy, but not suicidal…"

"What a thing to say to your sex partner…" she frowns… "And here everyone keeps telling me what a sweet fellow you are…"

"You don't have a bomb…" he repeats…Moving forward…

"Fine…" she tasers him… "Don't this the wrong way, sweetheart…I really did enjoy the sex…"

Whoa…Forgot about that…He groans, going down…

Penny, seeing, howling… "RAJ!..." Raj deftly catching Leonard…She wheels to stairs, struggling out of chair…

"Back, Rajesh…He'll be fine…" Charlotte waves taser… "Rajesh, get out of my way…" she cautions… "It might be quirkily unfair but I don't like philanderers by nature…I might choose to use a much heavier charge with you…"

"Sheldon…She may have a bomb…I doubt it but…" Howard, to me…

"We'll go…" Amy firmly… "It's time to go nuclear…Right, Sheldon?…"

Hmmn?…

Nuclear?...But we have no fissionable…

I catch her eye…Oh…My intended has a plan…

"Right, Amy…"

One learns this sort of give and take when one is in a successful and meaningful relationship…

"Come on…Lets have a talk with Sister Dearest…" Amy leads me toward stairs…

"Shelly?..." Mary, by the stage…

"Excuse me?..." Howard, staring…

Nuclear?...Now, you go nuclear?...

"It's fine, Momma…We just need to speak to Amy's sister a moment…" I nod…

Penny, listening…

Nuclear?...

"They don't mean…Nuclear…Nuclear?..." she hisses to Howard…

Who shrugs…

With Sheldon, lord knows…

Raj by Leonard's side…He now struggling back on his feet…Charlotte coolly eyeing them…

We approach, carefully, arm in arm…

Penny watching from below, hauling herself to her feet…Demanding info on Leonard's condition…He calling back to tell her he's not hurt…Howard restraining her from trying to climb up to him as Bernadette returns…

Police on the way…She informs them…

"Well?..." Amy…As we halt a few stairs below Charlotte's leering gaze…

"You know what I want…Sheldon?..."

"Certainly not…" I reply… "Not a chance…"

"Really?...Oh…" pout… "That really puts me out…I guess that leaves me no option…" winsome sigh…Eye to bomb…

Bernadette now heading up to us…Howard as well…

"Charlotte, you're overacting…Now go away…The police are coming and…" Amy, coldly…

"Ooops…" Charlotte tosses "bomb"… Which proves to be nothing but a bag of flour, bursting on stairs…

"Very good guess, Leonard!..." grin… "Don't, Amy!..." she waves taser…As Amy tenses for a charge…

"Now…Enough of this nonsense!..." Charlotte, flared nostrils, slinky witch's costume showing her lithe figure to excellently calculated effect even in her incandescent rage…Brown eyes pools of deadly hate…

Yes, the Wicked Witch is definitely hot…Even tasered Leonard can't help a slight…Whoa…

But my Wicked Witch be even hotter…Amy now countering with her own raging glare… "Hold these, sweetheart…" she hands me her glasses…Throwing back shoulders to ungulating effect with her robes…

Whoa…My heart is definitely skipping several beats…Unless I've developed an arrhythmia…

Charlotte, her senses finely honed to such things, ever more enraged…

Amy?...Outsensualizing me?...

Oh, yeah…I eye her coolly…Little sister has you beat in this seduction dance…

"I agree…" Amy, grimly… "So shall we settle this…"

Howard, holding breath as he watches…Whoa…Ultracatfight!...

"…Soeur a soeur?..."

"What?..."

"Sister to sister…I'm proposing a knockdown, dragout, claws bared…" Amy, explaining…

Oh, be still my racing heart…Howard, sighing…

Really…I'm approaching imminent risk of a heart attack…

Gee, that would be…Terrible…Leonard, hissing to Raj…

"Just awful…Should I clear some space on the landing there?..." Raj, hissing back…

"Oh, please…Amy…Lets be civilized and not send little Howard into cardiac arrest…I have a bargain to propose…That is if you would all care to save your careers…Which I hold in the palm of my hand…" Charlotte opens said palm to reveal cell phone…

"What?..." Leonard stares… Raj stares…

"By tomorrow morning…If Amy and Sheldon do not comply with my demands…All of you will find yourselves permanently out of not only your positions and your fields…But unable to get jobs teaching Science…" sneer… "In Texas…Ah, ha, ha, hah!..."

"That's ridiculous…" Leonard, frowning…As Penny slowly climbs to us…

True…I note to Amy…

Science can't be taught in Texas…It's just not physically possible these days…

"Penny?...Go back…" Leonard urges…

"I'm…Ow, ow…Fine…"

"'Oh, Eric…'" Charlotte, sweetly passionate tone…Hardening… "'If you don't immediately fire Cooper, Hofstadter, and Koothrappali, and that pathetic little engineer…A video of our little rendezvous four months ago in Geneva will be on its way to the local police…Me, handcuffed…Calling for help?...Remember…Wasn't it so amusing?... 'Help, oh, help'…" anxious, ethereal tone… "I don't remember, did I cry 'Rape'?...I think I did, just for fun…However I doubt the police will find it so…"

Our group staring…Several members of the hotel staff now climbing stairs, including the manager…

The crowd below, not able to hear, puzzled…

"I lay my plans well in advance, people…!" she sneers…Pulling phone to show "Dr. Eric Gablehauser…" on her call list… "And I have plenty more university Physics department heads on speed dial right after him…"

Hmmn…I think I must speak to Momma regarding our Chairman and her possible dating choice…

"'Pathetic little engineer!...'" Bernadette screams in rage… "Oh, you are going down, bitch!..."

"Fine…Make that President Siebert, head of the University…" Charlotte, glaring… "Lets not forget dear little Catholic girl and my dear sister…Not that I intended to…"

"Are the police here yet?..." Leonard turns to the manager…

Ummn…

"I don't think the police found a prank call tonight from here too pleasant after the earlier disturbance, did they, Frederick?..." Charlotte grins at the nervous manager…

We all stare…

"She said she'd tell my wife unless I called the police back…" 'Frederick' begins… "Dr. Fowler, you promised this would end quietly…"

My God…Penny staring to Bernadette…When did she have the time?...

"And so it will…Dear…" Charlotte beams…

"Whoa, Bernadette…" Howard holding her… "Lemme go, Howard!...I'm gonna put my nails in that witch's face…!"

"You slept with President Siebert?..." Leonard, blinking at the maliciously gleaming face… "I don't believe that…C'mon…"

"Dear man…Very fond of strolls on the Champs Elysses…And he has the cutest way of gurgling in sexual encounters…Rather like your habit, Leonard…" Charlotte, sweetest of smiles… "I think he's you, twenty years from now…"

"Really?...Me, head of Cal Tech in twenty years…?" Leonard beams… "Oh, now…C'mon…"

I agree…C'mon…

"Could she have?..." I eye Amy…

"She could have…" Amy nods… "And even if she didn't yet…"

"Well, guess my miserable career's safe…" Penny sighs…Apparently downhearted at the lack of inclusion…

"When we had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory you may remember between the time I let Sheldon know of my 'interest' and my return to our table, I had ten minutes free…" Charlotte, vicious smile… "Your current manager's name is Toby, I believe?..."

"Holy crap…You are good…In the worst way…" Penny, shaking head…

"…Not to mention I of course already number most of America's and Europe's film and theatrical producers as my 'friends'…" shrewd grin… "I don't foresee my seeing you on stage or the screen in my lifetime…"

"Which is gonna be less than fifteen minutes when I get my hands on you, bitch!..." Bernadette, hollering…Howard and Raj holding her…

"Frederick…Henry…Carlos…" cooing glance to the manager and the waiters… "This friend of mine is a bit under the weather from celebrating the festivities a bit too intensely… Could you see that she gets an escort home, now?..."

"Or do you want me to send those pictures over my phone right now?..." she eyes the hapless manager…Then Carlos, burly waiter…Looking anxious… "Carlos, that little girl of yours…Seeing Daddy like that?...tsk, tsk…" finger wag…

We stare…Whoa…

I mean you have to respect her amazing industry…And foresight…

"Sorry…But I cannot fight this demon from Hell…" Carlos, crossing himself…

"Uh…Miss…I think I have to ask you to let us get you a cab…" the manager, nervously to Bernadette…

Charlotte…Triumphant…"Well?...Sheldon?...Leonard…Care to enjoy life as a busboy…If you manage that with me in pursuit…"

"I've done some of my best work on fractals as a Cheesecake Factory busboy…And Albert Einstein was quite content in his patent office while writing up Relatively Theory…" …I look the face of Pure Evil in the eye…And saw a flicker of fear in those dead to love, if lovely, brown eyes…

"Wait, Sheldon…I can't let our friends suffer…" Amy put up a hand… "What's the deal you offer, Charlotte?...And it must include leaving my friends alone…For good…"

Pouty smile… "Amy…Dear sister…Would I break a compact?...Like you…"

"I never agreed to your foul pledge…"

Pure rage…

"You were my sister!...My only confidant, my only friend…Even after you betrayed me and left me to rot in France, I gave you a chance…You were supposed to join with me, in my war on Humanity!..." Charlotte in fiery rage…Stalking on the stairway a bit, then calming… "Adult humanity…I really do love children, their innocent souls not yet contaminated by the foulness…" warm smile…

"What deal, Charlotte?..." Amy…

Hmmn?... Oh…

"Sheldon, of course…I marry Sheldon…"

"What?..." Leonard, choking…As I dash for protection beside my beloved…

Marriage would be the prize Satan's daughter sought…

"I don't believe you love Sheldon…You can't love anyone…" Amy, sighing… "What would be the point?..."

"Another of your lies…I dispute that…" sternly raging look… "But even if I don't…You do…" Charlotte grins… "What better way to have my vengeance?…But don't think I'd be cruel or unfaithful to you, Shelly…" winsome cock of head…Sweet gaze… "You'd never regret it…And I'll be a wonderful mother to our many children…"

"Wait…" Penny stares… "For the hate of your sister, you'd not only marry Sheldon…You'd be a good wife to him?..."

"If ever I should not…Or be unfaithful to him…He could leave and return to Amy, no danger from me…I swear…" beam… "But after a short time, I can assure you…He won't want to …"

"I'd never consent…Never!...Never!..." I shout… "Avant, foul demon!…Meemaw, help!..."

"Perhaps you're right or perhaps I do love Sheldon and see him as my way to salvation…" Charlotte, grimly…Then suddenly, to Sheldon…Kneeling as we all stare… "Oh, be my salvation, Sheldon…Put to rest at last the bitterness in my poor heart…Beautiful boy, you beautiful, beautiful boy…Be sweet to me again…Like you were that day…" pleading tone, winsome look… Reaching for me…

"You know you do find me attractive, admit it…And how long can your feeling for poor, dull Amy last?...Really?..." seductive tone…Elegant brush of hair, ruffle of witchy costume…

"You'd foreswear all others?...Only Sheldon, all your life together?..." Amy…

Oh, beloved…What are you thinking?...

"I would, of course I would, and in time…Oh, Amy…Sister, my loving sister…If you do love and pity me…Give me this one chance to save myself…" she rises…Pleading tone…Earnest look…

"No, Amy…Don't look in those hideous eyes…!" I grab at her…

"I want Sheldon for the same reasons you do, sister…And he could teach me to love again…Oh, dear Amy…" gentle plea…Fond look… "I know you'll do this for me…"

"Up yours, bitch…" Amy, shaking head… "I've had enough of you, Charlotte…It won't work this time…Sheldon is not a puppy…And I'm not sorry for you this time…You've reached the bottom of my sympathy bin, sister…"

Charlotte…Rising in rage to full height…

"Then…Feel my wrath, sister!..." Charlotte, raising arms and phone…Set to dial…

"This could only end one way…Dear Amy…You knew that…And you know you can't let your friends suffer for you…" sweet triumphant smile…

"True enough…" Amy…Raising her own phone…

"Hello, Mother…Did you put that call through to Maine?..." she tells the phone…Charlotte staggering…What?...

We eye them…

"What's in Maine?..." Leonard hisses to me…

"Oh, yes, Mother…." Amy, calmly.."…It is Charlotte up here with me…" Waves to Mrs. Fowler on floor… "Charlotte…Mother wants to talk to you…As does someone else…On the conference line…" smile…

"Maman?..." Charlotte, blinking…Phone still upraised…

"She's waiting…" Amy held up phone…

"You..Bitch…!" Charlotte, lowering phone…Carefully descending to where Amy stood…Taking phone…

"Hello, Maman…" nervous tone… "No…Maman…I'm sorry I didn't have time to pick you up myself…Maman?...No…Ma, please…It's just a joke…Amy takes these things too seriously…Ma?...Yes, Maman….But, Mother, you mustn't disturb…Oh, Maman don't…No, please…" she blanches… "Amy…?...You're lying…You can't…You wouldn't…You know how it upsets her?...She's ill…"

"You forced me to it, Charlotte…I had Mother call…And she is upset…Very upset…" stern look…

Horrified look…No…

"Hello?…Oh, hello, Gran...Yes, I got here ok…Oh, no…We're not fighting again…Amy?..." she looks up, genuine look of pleading…Holding phone up…An elderly woman's face on the screen…

Very elderly…Exhausted looking…But quite resolute…The true Fowler in every line…

Gran Mag's worried face on the screen…Such a lovely Fowler face…In worn, faded nightgown…Sitting on edge of bed…

"Charlotte…" worried but firm New England tone… "What's going on here?...Amy tells me…"

"It's ok, Gran Mag…" Amy calls… "Charlotte was just teasing me a bit…She isn't doing bad things again…" eyes Charlotte…

"No, Gran Mag…" Charlotte, agreeing…Putting phone to ear… "You heard Amy…I'm not doing anything bad…Just teasing a bit…It's going to be a beautiful wedding, Amy's boyfriend Sheldon is wonderful, we wish you could come…We're wearing the costume, Gran Mag…Amy looks great too…We'll send you our photo right now, together…Yes?…" phone to ear… "Amy?..." she calls… "Gran Mag wants to see us both in costume close up…"

"I hated to do it…Upsetting her like this…But I had to go gran-nuclear…" Amy sighs to me…

I pat… "I understand…We all do…You made the right decision, beloved…"

Yes…Victory won by the power of pure grandparental love…The only love poor Charlotte couldn't risk parting with…

"Sheldon, would you hold my phone for the picture…?" Charlotte, beckoning… "Then Gran wants to see you with us…"

I move slowly over, savoring my beloved's triumph…Yes, I agree…Her triumph and hers alone…

Proving of course my superior intellect in choosing her…

A nod to Raj and Howard…The two who brought us together…My friends…Yes, Howard has definitely earned his elevation…

Charlotte and Amy posing, smiling…Charlotte putting arm about her sister…

"Don't push it, Charlotte…" Amy, hissing…


	19. Chapter 19

"Gran Mag…"

Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…

Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…

Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…

Part XL…

I like to feel Meemaw played a role here…Urging Gran Mag Fowler to hang on in this world a bit longer to protect us…One grandmotherly spirit uniting with another to bring peace and light to a suffering Humanity…

"Girls…" Gran Mag frowned on screen, pushing spectacles back … "This isn't fooling me…Charlotte, I don't need a picture painted for me to know you're in trouble again…And with your own sister…Oh, child…I have tried and tried to decide what to do about you…"

"Gran?...No…I'm fine…Amy just said…"

"Charlotte Magdalena Fowler…Do we lie in the Fowler family?..." stern look…

Charlotte blinking… "No, Gran Mag…I've had a few little problems again, recently…But…"

"Charlotte…"

"She'll do better, Gran…" Amy cut in…

"Amy…It's good hearted of you to cover for your sister…But…Enough…Charlotte…I'm well aware…" pause…Cough…

"Gran!..." both girls…Frightened…

"I'm fine…Just needed to clear my throat…Keep getting this sinus infection…Now, Charlotte…Lord knows I know it's my fault you've had troubles…" sigh…

"Oh, no, Gran…"

"Let me finish, girl…I should never have let that worthless father of yours send you off like that…But your Great Aunt Maggie and I were both ill that year…We didn't see how we could care for you girls properly or handle a fight with your parents…And in any case I felt it wrong to interfere between parents and their children…That was wrong, Charlotte…And as a psychologist on my part…" cough…

"Gran…?"

"Fine, I tole you…For a 98 year old woman, anyway…As a psychologist I should have known better… And kept you both with us…But I lost dear Leonard that year and I just wasn't up for a fight, you know…Afraid I failed you both that time…"

Dear Leonard, eh?...Leonard, rather pleased…

"Amy got to stay…" Charlotte, bitterness breaking through… "Just as she wanted…You all to herself…"

"Only in summers….Lord, the rest of the year she was trapped with that daughter of mine…"

"Mother?..." Mrs. Fowler's faint protest on suddenly divided screen…

"Be quiet, Hannah…I'll get to you later…" frown…Mrs. Fowler's stricken face disappearing…

"She always makes me impatient, that's a fault…Don't be impatient with your mother, girls…She can't help what God and my poor efforts made of her…Charlotte…Amy tried to help you, girl…Let me see…" Gran Mag's face disappeared from screen…

"I never wanted you to go, Charlotte…I've told you that countless times…" Amy sighs… "You said you believed me…And Gran had you as often as she could afford to fly you in…"

"Two weeks in three years…" glare… "Then nothing…Till I graduated from college…Then a week every other summer…"

"Charlotte, you were recovering from your worst surgeries…And Gran wasn't able to care for you in your condition….And they wouldn't let me, I was too young…"

"You promised to come to France and help me get home!...You swore you'd come, the day I had to go, you promised, you swore!…And then…Nothing…Not a word, for months…"

"I wrote you…I told you that…The school must have kept my letters back…And when I got to see you…I told you…"

"Oh, yeah…Your money jar…Our plan…" Charlotte, sneering… "You lied to me, Amy…Like mother and father, you didn't want me and you knew I couldn't get away then by myself…"

"Lord, this was heavy…" Gran Mag, back on screen, old glass jelly jar in hand…Full of coins…

"My jar…My rescue jar…"Amy gasps… "Gran?...You said…"

"Amy, my girl…There's no way to go round this easy…I lied to you…" Gran Mag shaking head on screen… "I knew you were saving all you could but child, I couldn't just let you go running off to Boston to take a plane or boat to Charlotte…So I took the jar and put it away…And tole you it'd been stolen…That poor Dorothy…But I did make it right with her parents later…"

"Gran?..." Charlotte gasps… "You kept Amy from coming to rescue me?..."

"Charlotte, your sister was eleven years old…You couldn't travel a quarter mile on foot as you were then…Traveling any distance even with Amy could've killed you and she could've been hurt as well…I couldn't let her go gallivanting off to parts unknown in search of you…As I say, girls…" wheezing sigh… "It was my fault…And not Amy's…And even your great aunt Maggie thought we'd made a mistake in not bucking that fool of a father…"

"Oh, my…" Charlotte blinking… "Amy…?"

"But my fault here doesn't let you off, girl…Sowin' a few oats is one thing…" smile… "I and your great aunt did a bit of that ourselves…"

"Every actor in Hollywood wanted to do the Wicked Witch after the film came out…" Amy noted to me, grinning… "Even if they only called on her in private after making cracks about Grandaunt Maggie's looks in public…"

"Remember how she told us about Mr. Grant coming by…?" Charlotte, faint grin…

"I think you can go tell everyone, things are fine…" Raj noted to Frederick the manager… "And lay off that skirt-chasing, Carlos…Take this as a message from whatever God you choose to worship…" he nods to Carlos the waiter… "Nothing good can come of it…" he eyes Howard…Solemn nod…

"Course your great aunt was more of a lady than me…And had a boy to look after in Hollywood…Though I'd say I did have a bit more fun in my day…" Gran Mag noted with weary smile…Then frowning… "But Charlotte…It's one thing to lead a few boys on and do a little of what comes natural…And another to hurt your sister and other folks…Is that how a Fowler girl behaves?..." Cough…

"No, Gran…" sigh…"But you always said I should follow my heart…And that a Fowler might have to try harder…Like you with Grandpa Leonard…" Charlotte, anxiously…

"He was a bit shy…" shrug… "But I knew I was the one for him midway through his therapy…And then all it took was a week in Maine with me here…"

"Fortunately Grandpa didn't press the kidnapping charges…" Amy nods… "I can see your point, Charlotte…It was so romantic, really…"

"Suppose I was a bit of a fool for love…" Gran Mag, sighing…

Sigh…Amy, Charlotte…

"And Sheldon was so wonderful…I couldn't just let him go…Especially to Amy since I thought she'd betrayed me to keep him…" Charlotte…

You win, again…Bestie…Penny grinning to Amy…Who grins back…

"But whatever slight excess I went to with your Grandpa Leonard…It didn't involve threatening anyone…And I didn't say…" wheeze…

"She shouldn't stay up like this at night…" Charlotte notes to Amy, nervously…

"Charlotte, I'll die when I'm good and ready…Not tonight, I promise you…" peering look… "Where was I…?"

"…'You didn't say'…" I offer…

"I know that…I was being rhetorical, boy…Don't assume an older person is senile…" she frowns on screen…

"Yes, Gran Mag…" I nod…

"…Even if she is fairly broken-down…" smile… "You're Sheldon, eh?..."

"Yes, ma'am…"

"Not too bad…Lord, I love that I lived to see these things, you children don't appreciate what a science fiction dream video phones were in my day…I dated Buster Crabbe when I visited Maggie in Hollywood…'The original Buck Rogers'…" she explained, peering… "Well…Skinny as I thought…You need a few days in the sun, boy…I note a nerve tic and Amy's told me a deal about you…OCD and borderline Aspergers from the sound of it…Plus a good bale of arrogance thrown in, I understand, eh?..." shrewd look…

"Well, ma'am…It's only arrogance…"

"If you can't hold your own…Hmm-hmmn…Well, your bride there isn't shy herself when it comes to her field judging by her letters to me…Amy?..."

"Perhaps a little, Gran…But I am proud of my chosen field…As is Sheldon…"

"Nothing wrong with it to a point…Self-esteemwise…But don't lord it over people, boy…Nor you, girl…There's always something they've got a perfect right to lord over you, you know…Or you should…Well, Sheldon…You do seem to have a few ruffles…Psychology being my field, boy…And even if retired, I keep up…Ummn, Lord… " she stretches… "I hope that work on android bodies Amy keeps saying you're following like a hawk pans out soon, boy….Though I'd settle for a better artificial hip…Still, from what Amy's told me, you've made good compensation…Any says your mother and your friends have done wonders…"

"They have, Gran…" Amy… "Sheldon's come very far…"

"Have they?..." I blink… "From where?..."

"Bazinga…" grin to Amy's frown…

"Well, we'll have a look at you when you come up…Anyway, Charlotte…I didn't say hurt anyone, especially your sister…"

"Sorry, Gran…" Charlotte sighs… "But I didn't know Amy really was trying to come…When she didn't come, after months…Or call…Except from the house with Mother…"

"Charlotte, is that an excuse, I hear?..." stern regard…

"No, Gran…"

"Then…?" careful eyeing…

Sigh…

We gaze in wonder…Charlotte, apologetic look…

"I'm sorry, Amy…I didn't know…It was so awful…Everyone was so cold to me in France…So many of the adults dislike children there…Especially imperfect ones…It was worse than home…At least folks here acknowledged me, even when they called me 'elephant girl'…" renewed sigh… "I kept waiting for you…I was sure you'd come and It hurt so much when you didn't and I had to stay at that school…All I had left was Sheldon, to dream about…Gran, he was the angel boy I told you about…We met him on the train to your place that last year….I dreamt of him every night…All through my surgeries…I kept thinking, I'm doing this for him…"

Oh…Penny sighs…Catching Amy's firm look…

Right…No, now…I'm not gonna do this…

"Charlotte…" I sigh… "I'd no way of knowing…Specifically, anyway…That I'd had that effect on you…And I can't help that it was Amy who won my heart…"

"That's a lot of responsibility to put on a young boy without his knowledge, Charlotte…" Gran Mag shook her head on screen… "But, I know, God love you, you've suffered more than your portion in this life, child…Well, as my Lennie used to say, there are times when we need to keep clear and let our loves go their way and hope for the best…And times we need to put our oar in…Especially when the boat's about to head out to sea…I should have put my oar in that year, and I am sorry, sweetheart…But, things are as they are…Sheldon is with Amy…"

"I know…" Charlotte sighs… "I get it, now…I just hoped, if I tried hard enough…Really gave it my all, as you say, Gran…Sheldon might…" Tearing a bit…

Lennie…Leonard thinks, beaming to Penny… Gran Mag had a 'Lennie'…

Maybe someday…I'll be Penny's Lennie…Penny and 'Lennie'…

No, you won't…Leonard…Penny's stern look back, she interpreting…But…

I love you…Leonard…Mouths…Grin…

"Charlotte…" Amy touches her gently… "I'm not sorry things happened this way…I won't lie to you, I want Sheldon more than anything I've ever wanted in this world and it should be clear I'm not letting him go….And more to the point, he wants me…And when the equation balances that well…"

"You just have to do the math and then go with it…" I note…She beaming…

"But I am sorry for you…And I do love you…And Sheldon will be a good brother to you…Sort of…If you 'll let him be…Right?..." she eyes me…

"If you want me to be, Amy…I'm sure George Jr. and Missy can provide…Oh, who am I kidding?..." sigh… "Can't we just say, I'll be a brother…No adjective…?"

"Nonsense…Leonard will teach you…"

"Really?...Thank you, Amy…" Leonard beams…

"I'd stick with plain brother...If I were you…" Penny hisses…Leonard frowning…Hey…

"It's not my fault my siblings are jerks…"

"I could settle for brother…" Charlotte, wistfully… "Actually it would be nice to be in a relationship with a male where seduction isn't imperative…Though Amy?...Umnn…"

"Yes…If I die, of natural causes…You can make another play for Sheldon…But no crazy violence and if he says no, it's no…"

"And it had better be natural causes, Charlotte…Even if I'm dead…" Gran Mag, sternly… "I'll be watching…"

"Amy?..." Penny, nervous… "Sheldon…Uh…" Wave of hands… "No offense to your Gran's ability to monitor you after death but she nearly blasted you off a building, Amy…"

"If she promises Gran, it's ok…" Amy, glance at Charlotte…

"Charlotte?..."

"I promise…" meek nod…

"Besides, Sheldon and I will either die within hours of each other or live forever together in android bodies…" Amy notes callmly…

"Hmmn?..." Leonard blinks…Raj, Howard staring…

"Quite right…" I nod…

"You're bazingaing us, right?...About the dying together thing?..." Penny, cautiously…

Tell them yes…We're freakin' them out…Amy hisses…

"Uh, yeah…" I nod… "Bazinga regards marital suicide pact…"

"Yes, that would be a bit insane…" Amy, glance to me…

Insane like a Fowler-Cooper…Her sly look saying…My smile returning same….

(Heck, they might remember we nearly went off said building together to escape separation…)

"Anyway…If you behave, you have a sister and a brother, Charlotte…" Amy eyes her… "How good is up to you…"

"Thank you…" Charlotte, tearing…Amy glance to me…She waves to indicate I should pat…

Pat…Cautiously…To Charlotte's shoulder…

Hmmn…Bit of a hump there…

"Mr. Fuggles needs a steroid treatment…" she notes…Catching my concerned look to Amy… "But it's benign…I'm fine…"

"Ok…They're settled…" Bernadette hisses to Howard… "Lets go and you can accept my apology…In my room…"

"Good enough…We have an extended family for you…" Gran Mag nods… "Now, Charlotte…We have to find someone for you…It's obvious you need your own someone to focus that heart of yours on…"

"Gran?..." sigh… "It's just there so few really nice guys…And it's not like I haven't tried…"

I'll say…Penny, staring…

"Well, you've been a classic case of self-fulfilling prophecy, Charlotte…" Gran Mag reperched her spectacles… "Going after men who were sure to be losers even if they were more or less successful in their careers…And users who had only one thing on their minds…"

Penny eyeing Leonard…

"I had other things on my mind…That evening…" Leonard, lamely… Yeah….Penny rolls eyes…

"Sorry…" he catches Gran Mag's hard stare….

"…which is fine once in a while for some fun, but not what you want in a long-term hook-up…"

"Leonard was very nice…" Charlotte notes… "And the Associate Dean at the Institute Pasteur was very charming…And Carlos at the hotel here was really sweet…Though both of them were married…"

Thanks for the comparison to two married philanderers…Leonard sighs…

"Just wanna remind you…Don't think I'm lettin' you off easy for doin' Charlotte?...Just cause we weren't going together?..." Penny hisses…

"Kinda hoped you might…" Leonard notes… "I mean you have dated, too…"

"I let Priya pass…That covers everybody I ever dated since we broke up…Charlotte?...Come on…"

"She is very pretty…And maybe I had my own plan for…" he eyes Penny's stern look… "O…K…She was very pretty…But Amy did want me to be nice to her…"

"My bad, bestie…" Amy, apologetically…

"Well, just a question of filtering the pool…" Gran Mag notes to Charlotte… "Now Amy's told me Sheldon's friends are all good boys, fairly steady…Not that well-endowed physically…But, Lord, we Fowler girls know better than to settle for just the physical…"

Hmmn?...Leonard stares…

"Is she…?"

"Arranging a match much as would my own people?…I'd say so…" Howard nods…

"Well…As I say, Leonard's very nice, but he's taken, Gran…" Charlotte sighs…

"That is too bad…" Gran Mag nods, thoughtfully… "The 'Leonard' was a good omen…Well, there's the Indian boy …Ours or theirs?..."

"Theirs…" Charlotte… "But, Gran…He was taught not to believe love lasts…His father…"

"What?..." Raj stares… "How the dickens...?"

Leonard, staring…

"Holdover from British domination, besides I like Dickens…Sue me…" Raj notes… "How did you…?" to Charlotte…

"I was monitoring you all for years…Since Amy joined your group and told me she'd seen Sheldon again…Your parents' calls were an easy tap…And covered my surveillance tracks very well…Sorry about the privacy invasion…" sheepish tone…

"That stops now…" Amy notes… "You can call me anytime but no more secret tapping…"

"Ok…Anyway, Rajesh is very nice and you and I could probably get him over his selective mutism but he's betrayed his best friend with his other friend…And I think it's partly from his father's teaching…I can't have a future with someone who doesn't believe love can last and who does things like that…Loads of fun, perhaps…But…"

"I never said that…" Raj… "And I've loved Bernadette since…Ummn…"

Eyes Howard who gives calm stare back…

Yeah?...Go on, pray tell?...

Bernadette sighing…

"My father shoots his mouth off too much…It's just reaction to Mother nagging him…" Raj, hastily concluding…

"I see…I'd tell your father to make up his mind and get some marital counseling for both of them…" Gran Mag, frowning… "No, you're right Charlotte…And the boy seems set on someone else, too…"

"And Howard is very brave and sweet, in his way…" Charlotte, sighing… Glance at the startled Howard…

"But…He has Bernadette…"

"Yeah, taken…" Bernadette, grimly… "Though nobody 'has' me…"

"If I could get in a word…" Howard… "I'm not 'taken'…Nor am I looking to be 'took', right now…I'd prefer to be left out of the horse trading…"

"No one is forcing anyone, boy…" Gran Mag peered at him… "You're the Jewish one, who used to be very desperate, right?..."

"Yeah…That's me…The desperate Jew…" sigh…

"Now…My Lennie was Jewish…Best of my three…He used to be a bit anxious too…But I found his desperation charming…" grin… "As he did me, soon enough…A very wise man, my Lennie…"

"Howard, stop being silly and tell them we're fine…" Bernadette, hissing to him, nervous…

"We're not 'fine' Bernadette…And I'm not being 'silly'…"

"Fine…Just lets settle this later…"

"Bernadette…This is not 'silly'…You don't respect me…You won't have children with me…"

"You said you were ok on no children…."

"I was…But…"

"I love children…" Charlotte, innocently…

"Shut up!..." Bernadette, growling…

"I was ok with that…But now with you wanting some kind of free ticket as to fooling around…"

"Howard, I was a little nervous…I don't see the big deal…."

"If I did that to you…With Penny for example…?"

"Bwha…ha…ha…ha…." Penny, gasping…

"Don't be ridiculous, Howard…" Bernadette frowning… "It would never happen unless you hired someone…"

Stares…

Ummn… "What I mean is…" Bernadette tries a recover…

"I would have slept with him…" Charlotte… "If I'd had more time…And thought he'd betray you…"

"Shut up, you insane freak!…" Bernadette…"No offense, ma'am but she is nuts…" nod to Gran Mag on screen…

"Emotionally troubled, not psychotic…We had her tested…" Gran Mag frowns… "But given she's given you all a bad time, I understand…"

"Thank you…Anyway, Howard is…"

"Not interested just right now in anyone, no offense, ma'am…Excuse me…" Howard turning, heads downstairs…

"Oh, stop being a child, Howard!..." Bernadette calls…

"Bernie, he has a point…" Penny…

"Shut up!...Howard, will you wait?..." Bernadette hurrying after…

"Charlotte…" I interject… "There is another friend in our circle who has sterling qualities…"

Eyeing Stuart standing by Raj…

"Ummn…" Stuart..Blinking as he catches on…

"And was my dating choice after Sheldon…" Amy chimes in… "Sheldon is right about the sterling qualities…And very lucky he didn't lose me to him…"

"I was quite threatened…" I note… "With good reason…"

Hmmn….Gran Mag peering carefully…

"Uh…Guys…" Stuart, waving hands…

"And he is a huge fan of old films…" she adds… "His collection is even bigger than Gran's…"

"And this is?..." Gran Mag, eyeing Stuart carefully…

"Stuart Bloom, comic book magnate and heroic friend…Whose efforts in assisting me made this night possible…" I note…

"Oh…" Charlotte, eyeing Stuart… "I remember when Amy dated you…You were very sweet about Sheldon and her…"

"And he's very dedicated to his craft…" Penny, supporting a fellow artist…

"Bring him with you to Maine…" Gran Mag notes…Eyeing him…"If he'd like to come, of course…"

"You don't have to…I'm better now…" Charlotte sighs…Half-whisper…

"But if you'd like to…" winsome smile… "It's a very pretty farm…"

"Ummn…Welll…" Stuart, pulling at collar…

She won't kill anyone I ever dated or kidnap me if things don't work out?...Stuart hisses to me…

Good point… I note… "Amy?..." I whisper…

Right…Amy nods…

"And Charlotte will promise not to get all…Charlotte…If things don't pan out…Right, Charlotte?..." Amy, sternly…

"Oh…" sigh at an increasingly nervous Stuart… Hmmn?... "Oh, yes…I promise…"

"Well, good…Settled then…I've got to get to bed…Have a good time, girls…" Gran Mag nods… "Sheldon?...Don't forget what I said, boy…"

"No, ma'am…"

Sheldon has a gran-in-law…Leonard grins to Penny…

"Hofstadter, right?...I can hear just fine, boy…" Gran Mag, sternly…

Sorry…Leonard, sheepish… "But I meant it as a good thing…"

Sorry…He eyes her "what do take me for, kd?" stare…

"Still, you have a point…I don't mind a little intimidation to keep my girls happy…And, given that mother of yours…Is she still peddling the same crap she did when she was my grad student?..."

Leonard staring… Oh, my God…

"Are you that Margaret Fowler-Horowitz?...Mother's advisor?...The one who tried to bring her up on charges?..."

"Unlawful experimentation on human subjects, namely her own children?...You betcha…" Gran Mag, shaking head… "That young woman was an utter nutcase…Would've made a fine Nazi…I can't believe she was allowed to keep you…"

"My God…" Leonard, gasping… "You were my heroine…I had a shrine to you in our house…Even though I had to keep it hidden since my mother wouldn't let your name be spoken after you denounced her methods in that speech before the APA…"

"Poor boy…" she sighs… "I did try to have you and your siblings removed to protective custody…"

"Gran…Bed?..." Amy…Charlotte, urgently… "Leonard, you can speak to her when we all go to Maine…" Amy notes…

"Oh, please…" Leonard… "Can I bring my copy of your speech to sign?..."

"Certainly…But, seeing as you survived, don't be too hard on your insane mother, Leonard…Just don't ever let her near your children…" Gran Mag nods…

"Not within a mile…" Penny cuts in…

"Wise policy…Well, goodnight, all…Girls…Kisses and hugs and try to get along…"

"Yes, Gran…" unison… "Nite…" "Sheldon, say nite to Gran…." Amy held phone over…

"Nite…Gran…"

"Nite…Angel boy…" grin… "And you'd better live up to it…"


End file.
